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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: How to limit communication with ex regarding children
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 5:21 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Over the last week I've had a lot more text and email communication with ex regarding DS starting school and his grandmother being ill.

It's made me start triggering a lot more and I wish I didn't have to see him at all.

I went to a parents evening at my sons kindergarten last night. Ex didn't attend as he is far too busy as usual living in his little pathetic bubble.

I'm glad he didn't go and he hasn't even asked how it went so I'm not even going to bother telling him.

If he was really interested he would be contributing like all of the other parents there. He's always harping on about how much he loves his kids, yet, he knows that parental contribution to his sons kindergarten is one of the reasons it keeps afloat.

I just don't think his actions match up to his words and it's not my place to tell him so.

How can I reduce communication with a piece of shit like him?


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 5:30 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unless there is a question there is no need for a reply. *Crickets* will be your new best friend.

If you feel you must reply, reply with ok or noted (which basically mean F***U.

The less communication the better, it helps you heal quicker.



"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1331 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
LadyQ
♀ Member
Member # 32847
Default  Posted: 6:29 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What Bluebird said. It gets better. In the beginning, x would want to engage in chit-chat or tell me funny things the kids did. I just ignored it. Unless there was a question involving finances or the care and keeping of the kids, he got crickets. Eventually, even the dumb ones get the picture...


Tune out the noise of what others tell you about who you are and work it out for yourself...

Posts: 1650 | Registered: Jul 2011
Merlin
♂ Member
Member # 30221
Default  Posted: 8:06 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Use texts instead of email. That 160 character limit can do wonders for your psyche.


"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself. A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." D. H. Lawrence

Her: WW/57 Me: BS/63 24yrs M
3 great kids, now 22, 20, 17 b,b,g
D-Day 8/14/08, D 1/13/11


Posts: 1164 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: East Coast
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only tell him stuff he needs to know and that only I know.

If he can get it himself (eg. phone call or meeting with the teacher, on the internet, etc.) then I leave him to sort out.

It was incredibly hard at first because I wanted him to be informed about everything. I was so worried that he wouldn't get it right that I continued in my caretaker role well after I was sacked from that job. It is not my job to ensure he is a decent father. It is not my job to monitor what he knows or doesn't know. It is not my job to do his job for him.

It was hard to take a step back. But I was super strict with myself about it because contact was then still crazy-making.

After a time it became easier and now it is as easy as breathing. It took practice though.

I've asked the school /daycare to send 2 copies of everything when they send stuff home - that hasn't really happened which irks me but the teacher does call me when the sad clown hasn't passed on information that only he has received. She understands the situation and she has seen ample evidence of him pulling this shit. She is not impressed.

I don't ask him about it. I don't berate him. Nothing. I go to the source. I seek out information. I work it out myself.

I have noticed the contact seems to ramp up in bursts. It starts with something legitimate then all of a sudden I'm getting ridiculous ones. Y'know - those ones on the line, yes it is good to know but I can find it myself.

Or the ones where he feigns ignorance to force me to contact him. It took to the 3rd term of a 4 term year for him to work out homework was due on a Friday. The teacher told him. It was clearly marked on the info sheet we both received. All to no avail. I sent him a text.

Crickets if he asks about the parent evening unless there is some piece of critical information he needs to know. He doesn't get to ring it in. It would be a different story if he missed them every now and then but you don't want to find yourself being his parenting secretary.

Get involved or fuck off is my motto.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies.

I was feeling quite depressed as I came in yesterday and my sadness from having so much contact with him was magnified ten fold.

I'm now just feeling really angry after triggering so much. I hate him so much for what he has done to me and my children and for turning me into an emotional wreck.

I'm going crickets from now on and I might even try and get a friend to come around on Sunday so that I'm not home when he drops the kids off.

StrongButBroken you're motto made me laugh out very loud! Very true indeed!! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
dindy
♀ Member
Member # 38424
Default  Posted: 11:01 AM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for your replies.

I was feeling quite depressed as I came in yesterday and my sadness from having so much contact with him was magnified ten fold.

I'm now just feeling really angry after triggering so much. I hate him so much for what he has done to me and my children and for turning me into an emotional wreck.

I'm going crickets from now on and I might even try and get a friend to come around on Sunday so that I'm not home when he drops the kids off.

StrongButBroken you're motto made me laugh out very loud! Very true indeed!! :)


Posts: 459 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: uk
hoya96
♀ Member
Member # 28851
Default  Posted: 7:49 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Only respond to what REALLY needs to be responded to, don't respond before 12-24 hours unless it's an emergency (I call this "putting ex in a timeout"), and if your ex, like mine, sends multiple e-mails within a 1-2 day period, reply with NECESSARY information in ONE e-mail (even if he sent the requests in multiple e-mails).

If you can't tell, I have a lot of experience with this. Ex and OW contact me a LOT under the guise of it "being about the children". I am constantly walking the line of responding to what I feel I am legally responsible to communicate (they're litigious) and putting up very strong boundaries.


Me: 40 and fabulous!
3 children ages 10, 12 and 14
Ex said he wanted separation 2/14/10
DDay #1: 5/23/10 18 month affair with his 22 yr old paralegal
DDay #2 9/22/10 my best friend, now his wife
Divorced: 12/10/10
Re-married a wonderful man.

Posts: 325 | Registered: Jun 2010
ChoosingHope
♀ Member
Member # 33606
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm working on a shared google calendar. Everything I can think of will go on this calendar, including athletic equipment, reminders, addresses of bday parties and sports events, etc.

It was incredibly hard at first because I wanted him to be informed about everything. I was so worried that he wouldn't get it right that I continued in my caretaker role well after I was sacked from that job. It is not my job to ensure he is a decent father. It is not my job to monitor what he knows or doesn't know. It is not my job to do his job for him.

I don't do this, even though I know I should. In the last week, I've bought several children's birthday gifts (for parties during his time w our children), reminded him about snacks for the entire baseball team, and even answered his stupid email about how many snacks to buy (even though he goes to many games and should be able to figure out how many children are on the team).

I just worry that he will screw up, and our children will suffer. I really struggle with this. My children are still pretty young.


Posts: 1696 | Registered: Oct 2011
tesla
♀ Member
Member # 34697
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also use a google calendar and put appts with all pertinent info on it. He wants to know, he can look at the calendar.

I have, unfortunately, had to text him a lot more than normal lately...and it sucks. I hate dealing with the idiot because then suddenly he thinks he's pulling his weight.

Just text the facts. No explanations. Put his incoming text on silent...because any response he has probably isn't worth the interruption it makes in your life.


"Thou art the son and heir of a mongrel bitch." --King Lear

Posts: 4620 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: Indiana
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 2:01 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just worry that he will screw up, and our children will suffer. I really struggle with this. My children are still pretty young.

My girls are 5.5 and 3 so I do understand this.

I think some of this is about control too. I have relinquished this control during his time with them. It wasn't easy but I needed to do it because it was keeping me in a caretaker role for him which I resolutely refuse to perform ever again.

I might feel differently if he only had them EOW but with 50/50 I'd have to contact him every day. No way.

Even if it was EOW me reminding him and running around making sure he didn't fuck up would be exhausting and crazy-making. At the end of the day I don't know how much it benefits the kids.

I spent way too many years killing myself to make him look like he wasn't a shit father - I told myself it was for them and some of it was but a lot of it was for me too. I won't be going back to that place anytime soon.


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5557 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 4:37 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One thing that helps me is to wait a period of time before replying. Also, I don't ever reply if I'm emotional...it always bites me. I swear the man has a vault somewhere of things I write and then pulls them out to use against me...this helps me to limit what I let him know.

And yes, he has the school's contact info for DD so he can just find things out himself.

I wonder if passing the phone number for your kid's school might be an idea? X really liked this because he didn't have to "bother" going through me to learn something. And he's on the doctor's records for the kids so he can just call there, too.

FWIW, it was really hard for me to adjust to this new way of non-interaction, too. I used to find myself telling him every little thing and often getting ignored, so now it's much better if DS tells him her stuff or he asks something. It makes me feel more independent and a little bit of pride as well.

Not easy.

And the terms they use, like "co parent" boggle me... Co, meaning "with" or "together"? Seriously?


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2229 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:21 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I only tell him stuff he needs to know and that only I know.
If he can get it himself (eg. phone call or meeting with the teacher, on the internet, etc.) then I leave him to sort out.


I don't ask him about it. I don't berate him. Nothing. I go to the source. I seek out information. I work it out myself.

^^This^^

It took me a LONG time to really go NC. Longer than I would have liked. But now I never, hardly ever, initiate contact with him. If I need help with the kids in any way, including financially, I don't ask him. I pretend, as much as it is possible, that he doesn't exist. When he contacts me I don't answer unless it really, really warrants an answer. Like, "Will you be home at five when I drop off the kids?" Or something like that. When I do answer him I use as little words as possible. Any pictures he sends, Happy birthday/mothers day, or anything like that gets no response.

Fuck him.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1575 | Registered: Aug 2010
Topic Posts: 13

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