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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Why I think not knowing "why" is crap
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Member # 30164
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Edited: Duplicate post

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 11:40 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

"I'm not much into health food, I am into champagne."

Posts: 450 | Registered: Nov 2010
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Member # 31529
Default  Posted: 11:41 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the why is less important to me than the how. How did he let his whys (not enough attention) become another A. I'm much more interested in hearing what his inner dialogue was/is that it allows him to make all those decisions and choices.

I also think that for a long time I was very hung up on why. But I realized that the reason I was never satisfied with the answer is because it never put me in full control of it. There was never a why that allowed me to feel fully confident that I could keep him from doing it again.

Me-BW (45)
Him-WS (42)
DS 19 (prior relationship)
DDay #1- 10/22/2010 EA/PA with MOW coworker
Dday#2:11/17/2010 beginning secret emails with potential OW#2
DDay #3 11/22/2010 still seeing OW#1
Too many DD's to count: Now up to OW #6.

Posts: 696 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: the south
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Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Honestly, to me there really was no WHY as to h's a with our neighbor. There was just an "I CAN, JUST DON'T GET CAUGHT" ...........he simply did it because he could and had someone there who gave him that option. No why's were needed.

Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 37154
Default  Posted: 1:12 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So, personally for us I think the whys were very important. My H never for an instant tried to blame me or the M, and we actually had what both of us considered a good and happy M. So it was especially confusing for me.

My H wrote me a pages long narrative at 5 months out about all the things that led to his faulty boundaries, attachment, etc. Believe me there was plenty of FOO, CSA, etc, but he also included boundaries, self-esteem, selfishness, ego-boosting, depression, opportunity, work stress, etc. For him he believes it was a "perfect storm".

And yes, it did help me. A lot. I actually read that narrative regularly. He owned it all, apologized profusely, discussed how much shame, revulsion, etc he now feels and how grateful he is that I have given him another chance.

And he has continued to grow since then. And changed so much. I actually feel safer with him now then I did prior to either Dday. I feel like he is "mine" in a way that I never did before; that he feels connected to me and puts my needs and interests equal to his own. That we are a team and have each other's backs.

I don't think either of us would be where we are without the hard work he put in to discover his "whys".

Dday -9/24/2012

Posts: 1765 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: northeast
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