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Newest Member: Sunnyhopeful82 (45341)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Betrayed and Confused
♂ New Member
Member # 40866
Default  Posted: 11:16 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

h0peless - Sounds about right. She has definitely expressed remorse over the first couple of weeks since d-day, but most of the time its because of a new revelation that I bring to light. It seems every time I bring up the betrayal and hurt I feel because of the A, she says she is sooo sorry, but it always seems to end up with her not wanting to take away from what she had been enduring for 2 years. Its kind of like saying "screw the affair", look at what you were doing to me", and that is a load of crap. I'm getting more angry the more I talk about it. Maybe this is bringing me to my senses. 180 anyone?

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The 180 is great. It should help you to gain some clarity and get your feel under you. It's tough at first but you'll get better with practice.

I think you need to make finding a new MC who is experienced with infidelity a non-negotiable. Is there a waiting period between filing and finalization of divorce where you live? You might also consider that. Nothing like a legal deadline to see whether she is going to shit or get off the pot.

Posts: 1734 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Baja Arizona
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Member # 21183
Default  Posted: 12:50 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I agree - you need to find a new MC that knows something about infidelity.

You stated:

Gmail account on her phone that she says she cant access since she doesn't remember the password along with that damn Incognito browsing that makes it impossible to see what she is doing

Since your WW doesn't seem to be able to properly work her own phone...Or remember her password.
THEN, she shouldn't have any problem with you bashing her little phone into pieces, and purchasing her a new one...that you have total ACCESS to, RIGHT?

BASH THAT PHONE to bits...and get WW a new; really simple phone that doesn't have a bunch of "features" that confuse her! OK?

You have every RIGHT to talk about your WW's deceitful affair and how she's hurt you. As for what she's endured in the marriage...I'd suspect a lot of it probably has to do with her guilt from hiding her deceitful affair and her LIES.
Can I ask:
Has your WW been on any trips alone that didn't include you? Does she have a habit of being "absent" from home nights, or weekends? From her current behaviors (Lies about No Contact...and contacting OM during your vacation to Hawaii) - I'd be highly suspicious that she and OM have hooked up together during this 9 month affair.

Welcome to SI,and I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

Me BS 59
WH 58
Married 19 years
D-Day Nov 3, 2005
Child: Adopted Daughter 21 College Student now

I can understand being alone; but I hate being with someone and feeling lonely.

Posts: 6133 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Texas
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Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:18 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The MC saying let go of the past and focus on your goals is correct per se but still so very very wrong.

Imagine you are in a boat that leaks. Your MC is basically telling you to keep on pumping water out of the boat instead of stopping the leak. Granted Ė IF you were on a leaking boat Ė chances are you would have to do both. You would need to pump and once the water gets down below a certain level you go try and fix the leak. If you only pump then at best the journey on the boat will be slow, sluggish and hard with the distinct possibility of eventually sinking.

If the affair is ongoing then thatís not only akin to the boat still leaking. Itís your wife pouring one bucket of water inn for each bucket either of you might pump out.

Itís also true that if you only focus on fixing the leak (focusing on the past) the boat fills with water and sinks. You need to pump a bit (focus on the present Ė the marriage) to make room to find and fix the leak.

I would use that metaphor with your MC. Ask him/her how you should be able to work on a marriage if the other partner MIGHT be putting as much effort into killing it as rebuilding it.

Have you looked at gmail? There are password recovery tools redux for forgot passwords, usernames and so on. Your wife can find the password and access that email account if she wants to (and she probably isÖ).

I am a firm believer in truth and reality. I would suggest the following:

Make it clear to your wife that nobody is forcing her to remain in the marriage. You realize it isnít perfect and that you have your part in the marriage being like it is. You are willing to work on things but ONLY if both of you are committed to make it work. If she doesnít believe it is possible or if she is doing things that have no place within the marriage then itís better to be honest about it and start the work of terminating the marriage in the fairest and most amicable way possible. So if she states she wants to work on the marriage then she better commit to it.
Her decision to have an affair was wrong no matter what. You could be the husband from hell but that would never in any way or form justify her actions.
Then make it clear that as long as you suspect the affair of being ongoing there really isnít much hope. Whatever effort either of you put in is wasted by your suspicion (if she is being honest about NC) or her ongoing contact with OM (if she is still in contact with him).

Tell her what you think is required so you are calmer about NC. Ask her what she suggests. Her ďpromiseĒ isnít good enough. Ask her what assurances she can offer and be realistic on what assurances are valid. At the end of the day then IF she wants to break NC she can and she will and you wonít know about it.
Really hammer the point that you arenít forcing her to remain in the marriage. If she really is so unhappy and really wants to remain in the affair she is welcome to it. But not as your wife.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
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Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:35 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A few years ago i had a work friend who was happily married with 2 kids. Her husband had a few faults, tight with money and a little controlling, but all in all a very good spouse and an excellent father. As far as my friend was concerned those faults were irrelevant, almost endearing; part of his wonderful personality.

Anyway her boss began pursuing her; lots of flattery, validation, praise and grade promotion. eventually she succumbed and an affair started and she got emotionally involved.

Much to BH's astonishment he suddenly got the same tale of her misery, desperate unhappiness for years, intolerance of his controlling behavior and a statement that she was considering leaving as she couldn't take any more of the abuse.

I personally know she was very happy prior to the affair; she used to boast about being married to her soulmate and how he deeply cared for her. Oh, and how very, very lucky and grateful she was to have him in her life.

Just the same as you ShattrdDreams68. Don't beat up on yourself; most of this anger and resentment is manufactured to justify her affair. She has totally convinced herself that her artificial resentment has a firm basis and she won't let go of this belief because that would allow guilt and shame to flood in, and she doesn't want to deal with that; it would destroy her self-image of a good wife and mother.

True remorse can only come when your wife realizes the con-job she has done on herself and how the resentment was a lie to justify the affair. You have to fight to get to this stage, or else put up with her conceited belief that you deserved everything you got.

Posts: 1748 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
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Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 12:14 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Jeez, Shattrd, your situation came about just like mine!

"We need to see MC..." "Been unhappy for years" "Couldn't talk to you about it"

Just. Wow.

I literally was shaking reading your description of your situation... and I could feel every word.

She's trying to protect herself at this point - she thinks that the less she tells you, the less damage that is done. What she doesn't realize is that she's killing any remaining trust, and turning it into resentment for the lying (by omission AND by commission!)

AND! You need to find a different MC! The one you have is shit!

Getting a timeline from your FWW would help you understand what was going on in your life behind your back. In the healing library, there's something in there called "Joseph's Letter". Find that and give that to her to read, and make sure she reads it and digests it. It's difficult for us BS's to convey to our FWW's how this makes us feel - NO ONE understands how it feels to be a BS but a BS. Joseph's letter is a first step to let WS's see what our world looks like.

Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married

Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
♂ New Member
Member # 40866
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well it seems like every article or story that I find online and present to her gets misconstrued and turned around. Example, I e-mailed her a bunch of letters and stories that I had been copying into a word document for my own sanity a couple of days after d-day. Asked her to please read through them and help me. A lot of good letters but one that also happened to reference spying and treating her like a 17 year old daughter. Not my intention, but unfortunately that was all she took from my e-mail. That didn't go as planned.
I'm really concerned that she has already checked out of the marriage. She seems to want to go to therapy but I'm starting to wonder if it is her way of validating her A by saying, "I did everything I could but there was no hope like I thought".
Sorry, kind of negative as I am having a bad day focusing on all of the hurtful comments rather than the positive ones.
I'm so confused, she is still talking about couch shopping and what we are doing for Halloween and the like all while still with the OM via e-mail(or so I think).
Also met with the MC by myself today to express my concerns about how the counciling was going. We did talk about my anxiety at length and about proceeding with the marital analysis before coming to terms with the A and my feeling that it was still continuing. (Thanks Bigger for the sinking boat metaphor, I think the MC got it) He understood my concerns and said his thinking was that he didn't want to disturb the healing process with the WW with issues that we might be making assumptions about since she is saying there is NC. (I'm paraphrasing, but that's how I took it). Anyways, I had a good discussion with him but I'm not sure how its going to translate to our next joint MC. Needless to say, I've scheduled another IC with a different therapist a day before our MC so I can see his take on the issue. In briefly talking to this new IC, he explained to me that it would be very difficult to address the issues in our marriage until I have resolution and closure regarding her A. I was encouraged by that so we will see. Thanks for listening!

Posts: 8 | Registered: Oct 2013
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Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 6:57 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What are you presenting her from online?
She wonít read it because she isnít willing to admit she has a problem.
Let me rephrase that: She thinks the problem is the marriage and the problem in the marriage is you.
So sending her papers and stories to readÖ Itís like sending medicine to someone that knows somebody that might be sick.

Please go back to my last post and follow the advice there.
Until she can commit to the marriage then tell her that issues like couch shopping and next yearís holidays should be put on hold until or unless she commits to the marriage Ė INCLUDING assuring you contact with OM is over.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5565 | Registered: Sep 2005
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