We had a MC session on Monday and were talking about my reaction on finding out about the A. I told WH that I adored him, that he was a precondition for my happiness, that I loved him. All things I felt were profoundly true. I begged him to stay with me. Later, when talking about how he decided to stay with me, he said that that was pivotal to him -- the AP was furious when she found out that he had confessed to me about the A - - angry and, he felt, vindictive. At that point he started to realize who she was.
Well, that's all very nice. But isn't that just saying that he saw that I was a doormat, who would love him despite his reprehensible behavior? That I would put up with crap? That I was weak because I loved him so much, even after his confession?
The MC and WH were trying to convince me that what I said was incredibly brave. The MC was saying that it was amazing strong of me to open up myself to being hurt, despite what he had done. I was strong enough to expose my vulnerability.
Eh. I dunno about that. I'm still plagued by this lingering feeling that if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him. Intellectually, I know this is silly -- we have built a good life together and even with the A he's been a pretty good H, by any standard. And he's certainly been working hard on R.
I think maybe some of these feelings are due to the fact that this whole thing is something I was throw into -- we're all eating a shit sandwich not of our own making. Trouncing off and divorcing would at least be a show of agency, of freedom, of exerting choice. Instead, here I am dealing with all of these CRAP feelings while at the same time trying to re-build the relationship. Which means I have to control myself and be nice and constructive. (We have kids, so this means letting some of my feelings out has to be carefully timed.)
Bit of a ramble...
I'm learning that one of the biggest struggles a BS has is with themsrlves..
Hugs to you! I understand....
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
I don't think R or D make anyone more brave or more weak then any other person. Ultimately you have to do what is right for you and your family. Neither is a walk in the park, both having their own roller coaster associated with it.
But isn't that just saying that he saw that I was a doormat, who would love him despite his reprehensible behavior? That I would put up with crap? That I was weak because I loved him so much, even after his confession?
I think it speaks to the WS sense of entitlement. The WS has to know on some level that their is a real possibility that BS may just leave. But they're gambling on the fact that WS won't. That was the sense I got from my XH.
I'm still plagued by this lingering feeling that if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him.
Maybe, maybe not. I left my XH, but I don't feel terribly strong. Still think about it/him far, far too much. I think either route is going to be incredibly difficult, rendering the strength issue moot. BS is going to need it regardless of what they pick.
After Dday WW told me she thought I was weak for taking her back because she would not do the same for me had I cheated.
I stayed because I was listening when I made my vows. I admit hoping for more of the better and less of the worse tho.
In the end it doesnt matter what other people think. We do what we do because we feel it is the right thing. We act with integrity and having integrity takes allot of strength.
At points since his affair discovery you have been both shattered by your pain AND found strength you never knew you possessed.
if I were a stronger person, I'd move on without him.
Do we need to first forgive ourselves for staying in our marriages?
Yeah, I think R is impossible unless we do.
IDK ... Blobette, what's important is what you think. Were you brave or weak?
Hint - if you told your H these things with an undertone that you were willing to let him continue cheating, that sounds weak. If you said what you aid in a context of demanding NC and commitment from your H, 'weak' is pretty far from what you were.
IMO, saying 'this is what I desperately want' when you knew you might not get it sounds very brave to me.
But beyond that, I urge you to forgive yourself for anything you thought, felt, or said during the early days. That was completely uncharted territory for you (and for all of us); it's absolutely natural to make mistakes and to say things that turn out not to be accurate reflections of your long term thoughts and feelings.
Besides, if you were splitting, you might be telling yourself if you were stronger, you'd be in R.
You wanted to R. You worked (and continue to work) for R. That's requires strength and bravery.
I suppose I knd of hate the "you're so strong" thing at this point. I don't WANNA be strong. I am so fucking TIRED of holding it together, being constructive and civilized. I do probably still love my DH, but it's so buried now under hurt that it's really hard to feel, and certainly not in that pure, uncomplicated way I did before DD.
There is a lot of fear of the unknown and I would be devastated to lose this marriage. Honestly, I don't think I would be able to be happy if I left. I do think my WH loves me and it seems stupid to give that up... I don't know does that mean I haven't really done the work?
Obviously I'm a bit down. Some very stressful stuff is gong on at work... I'm up for tenure, and my department is in the midst of considering my case, so lots of daily reminders of my tenuous position. **sigh**