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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Were you the first?
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not XWH's first betrayed partner. I knew that, to a certain degree, while we were together. But since D-day etc a lot more info has come to light.

He cheated on his very first girlfriend with the woman who became his first wife and the mother of his five children. I sort of knew about this, but he spun it differently (of course) and I believed him.

He then cheated on said first wife and mother of the kids. I suspected this a few years ago, but now the XW is holding nothing back. She's told all the kids recently, "Now you're seeing first hand what an asshole your dad is, and I'm not hiding anything for him anymore."

After they divorced he was briefly alone and then met a woman online. He dated her/lived with her for four years. Guess who he used to cheat on her? Me. Though I didn't know it at the time.

And now he's cheated on me and left me for OW. I can only imagine that the same thing will happen with that relationship, because up to this point in life he's cheated in EVERY relationship he's had. His pathetic life is on some sort of f*cked repeat cycle, over and over. Only the players change. Never him. He never, NEVER changes and I'm convinced he never will.

I'm just curious how many of you, like me, found themselves victim to a serial cheater. And does it make you feel better (since clearly this is HIS issue and had little to do with me personally), or worse... (because how did I not see this guy for what he really was??)

I go back and forth, feeling validated one day, and like the worlds biggest sucker the next. It depends on my state of mind, I guess. And lately my state of mind hasn't been great.

Thanks for reading...

((HUGE HUGS)) to you all. I would be really lost without this board lately.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 658 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
Tripletrouble
♀ Member
Member # 39169
Default  Posted: 4:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were young when we started dating (early-mid. 20's) but I recognized he had had poor boundaries, even if I didn't know the term or the implications. I almost didn't marry him because of it. Now I'm surprised and sad at how intuitive I was for being so young, and that I didn't trust my own judgement.

ETA hugs to you too

[This message edited by Tripletrouble at 4:39 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


40 somethings - me BW after 20 years
D Day April 2013
Divorced November 2013

Be happy with what you have while you work for what you want - Hellen Keller


Posts: 613 | Registered: May 2013
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 4:59 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The sad clown cheated on every single girlfriend he's ever had except the one who beat him to it.

Of course I didn't find that out until years later. It always bothered me that he smirked when talking about it.

I asked him why and he gave a different reason for each one. It was what I now know to be the usual bullshit crap. Mainly problems in the relationship and he 'fell in love' with someone else. I asked him if he thought there was something wrong with him - the women were all so different as were the relationship problems. Nope - just fell in love. You can't stop love now, can you?

Stupid me didn't even see the dots let alone connect them.

I knew he was capable of it I just didn't think he would do it. To.Me. Wife. Mother of his children. No way.

I was special, dontcha know.
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

Now OWUmpteen gets to be special! I suspect she has already beaten him to it though.


Buzz- The word you are searching for is 'Space-Ranger.'
Woody- The word I'm searching for, I can't say, because there are Pre-school toys here.

Posts: 5383 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 5:00 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No, I'm not the first.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9231 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
h0peless
♂ Member
Member # 36697
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We were each others' first serious relationship so yeah, I was the first. I'm not the last. When I was still snooping on her, I saw that she was having an ongoing online EA with some dude who she thought was from Australia (really Ohio, though. Thanks, Spokeo!) while she was with her New Dad.

Posts: 1550 | Registered: Sep 2012 | From: Arizona
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 5:11 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not the first either. I knew about only one, and he was young, admitted to poor boundaries and corrected the error of his ways. His second wife, later found out after M that she was the OW during his first M, cheated on him. He was crushed and broken. Along comes StillLivin to the scene. Watched him carefully to see if he truly got the boundaries for the first 2 years.
Yep, married him. M was good for the first couple of years. He adored me and constantly craved my attention.
Fast forward, here I am. I KNOW WSs that have changed, mine just wasn't one of them.
Uhgggg, I've never even cheated on a boyfriend when I was single and never looked at another man after I got married.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB

Posts: 2127 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Whalers11
♀ Member
Member # 27544
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex told me before we started dating that he cheated on every single girlfriend he ever had. I should have run then, but I was 17, stupid, and thought it would be different with me. (Also, he made it sound like none of his prior relationships were very serious...)

He had a girlfriend when I met him. I was very clear that we would not "date" until that relationship was over. I now have reason to believe there was some overlap in our relationships and that I may have been the OW for a bit...


Me: BGF - 33
Together 11+ years - not married, no children.
D-Day: 2/9/2010
OC Born: 10/9/2010
Status: He chose OW/OC and left immediately.

Posts: 2171 | Registered: Feb 2010
newlysingle
♀ Member
Member # 38735
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really don't know. I'm pretty certain that he was single when I met him. He was new to the area where I met him. I've never heard anything not has ha ever admitted to cheating on anyone else.

I agree with others though, they he exhibited a lack of boundaries early on. I should have gotten a clue.


BW - Me (37)
XWH - (37) The Gnat
OW - Some dumb whore he picked up in another state and moved here here. Known as Hello Kitty.
M for 8 years, together for 10
1 DD (5), 1 DS (1 year)
Dday 3/13
Divorced 9/20/13

Posts: 803 | Registered: Mar 2013
Dreamboat
♀ Member
Member # 10506
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly, he was cheated on by his first girlfriend -- she slept with his best friend. So he understood the pain and still did it. Asshole!!!!


And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

Posts: 17605 | Registered: Apr 2006 | From: A better place :)
peridot
♀ Member
Member # 18334
Default  Posted: 5:55 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know if he had ever cheated on anyone else. He didn't talk about his past relationships. We were in our early 20s when we met. I do know that he and the OW have cheated on each other.


I think...therefore, I'm single.

It is what it is.


Posts: 4678 | Registered: Feb 2008
hurtbs
♀ Member
Member # 10866
Default  Posted: 6:22 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex has never left a relationship without a new one lined up. He was the OM to a MOW once.

In all scenarios he was the victim.


Me BW Him XSAWH
DDays - 1 was too many
Divorced 2012

"In life, unlike chess, the game continues after checkmate." - Asimov
"Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you." - Ovid


Posts: 15228 | Registered: Jun 2006
Take2
♀ Member
Member # 23890
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fiance before me, (I was told they cheated on each other, regretted it deeply and learned from it...) Maybe he just learned to cover his tracks better... He cheated on me, multiple times. He cheated on the OW he left the M for (before Dday) and a subsequent gf. He is living with somebody now... any one want to lay down bets...?


"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell...So, If fear was not a factor - what would you do?

Posts: 4112 | Registered: May 2009 | From: New England
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 6:54 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

xWH was never not cheating on whoever was the girlfriend or wife. OW#umpteen gets the pleasure of being wife number 4 (while xWH just turned 40). Hmm, wonder how that's going to work out?

He conned me because I'm a nice, honest person who doesn't suspect that people are liars and cheaters because I'm not. He conned me because I was loving and giving and supportive and tried to work with him and compromise. He conned me because of all of my good qualities. Qualities that I'm proud of. He didn't con me because I'm weak. So I've nothing to be embarrassed about. Most especially because once I found out what he really was? I divorced him immediately and for over a year have deflected every single avenue he's used to try and contact me. Fucker.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 2998 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not the first. Now that I've time to gain perspective on my STBXWW's relationships before me, there is a clear pattern: from a very young age she would be with someone, would meet someone else, immediately attach, detach from the other, and so on. Her relationships overlapped like this for years--she was NEVER alone--until she married me.

I guess with me it just took longer. Amazing that I never saw the bloody red flags that waved in my face.

Attachment issues for sure. Attach, detach, attach, detach.... And I assume it will continue with her current POS unless she realizes she has serious problems and goes into deep extended therapy. But in any case, not my problem any more.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1571 | Registered: Dec 2012
ruinedandbroken
♀ Member
Member # 29250
Default  Posted: 7:38 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes because I was his first girlfriend and he was my first boyfriend. We were really young.


“People who cheat feel that life is for the taking, and that everyone deserves happiness no matter what the cost. I must remember these tricks if I ever have my soul surgically removed."
Me: BS 42. Him: WH 41 2 Kids 6&9
Married 14 yrs Together 21

Posts: 1559 | Registered: Aug 2010
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 9:47 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for all the responses. This:

My ex has never left a relationship without a new one lined up

is my XWH exactly too. In all his adult life he's only been alone for a couple of months. That was right after his first wife kicked him out. He always described that as "the darkest time" in his life. I thought it was because his marriage was ending and he was losing his kids. Now I think it had nothing to do with that. It was horrible for him because he was alone, and he couldn't stand it. Other than that brief period, ALL of his relationships have overlapped.

It's really sad when you think about it. I don't like being alone but at least I know that I can do it if I have to. He can't, and so he makes sure that he's never in that situation.

It makes me realize how much stronger I am than him.


Me: Looking forward to the future
Him: Left behind in the past

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 658 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
NewMom0220
♀ Member
Member # 39036
Default  Posted: 10:07 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was not the first. After DDay his sister told me that his mean, awful, terrible, cold, callous, heartless ex-wife (he was married for like a year in his early 20's) probably found out he cheated on her and she left. She left immediately.

Now I'm the mean, awful, terrible, cold, callous, heartless ex-wife, or at least that is how he painted me once I found out about his A. And no doubt OW heard about just how awful I am.

[This message edited by NewMom0220 at 10:09 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday)]


Me: BS 36
Him: WS 37
14 month old DS
Married 5 years, together 8, DIVORCING!!! (taking forever)
DDay: 3/1/13 (4 Month PA while I was pregnant)
Sometimes all you have to do is forget what you feel and remember what you deserve.

Posts: 329 | Registered: Apr 2013
sunsetslost
♂ Member
Member # 39885
Default  Posted: 10:50 PM, October 2nd (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, the first. Infidelity was a deal breaker for me. This was discussed early in our courtship. She told me that even after what shed been through in a series of bad relationships she never dishonored her partner. I believed her. It just takes a nice guy to unleash the bad girl, I guess. Wish I'd have treated her like shit.


Divorced 7/11/14. New Beginning on the Gulf of Mexico. It's real nice.

Posts: 682 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: The beach.
Weatherly
♀ Member
Member # 18222
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My ex has never left a relationship without a new one lined up

Mine either.

He was my first real boyfriend, but, he had a girlfriend before me. We saw each other a few times before meeting, and he spent a lot of time staring, but that was it. He told me, he had a gf at that time, and someone else told her that he had a crush on me, and he claimed that was why she broke up with him, for liking me, even though we hadn't met. At 17, I thought "crazy, jealous chick." Eventually, I found out, while he and this girl dated all through high school, every time they had an argument, he went out with other girls. He had about 15 "one week"girlfriends throughout the 4 years they were together. Now, I wonder if she was completely reasonable in her reaction.

He replaced me several times before I kicked him out. And, since then, he's never been alone. He's had about 20 break up in the last 5 years, but, he's never been single.


Me-29,Two boys, 10 and 8

It will all be ok in the end. If it's not ok, it's not the end

Happily remarried to a wonderful man (Aussie). I think I found the right guy and the right finger this time.


Posts: 4471 | Registered: Feb 2008 | From: Indiana
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I was the first.
He was my first everything.
He was married before and she cheated on him.
I thought he would never do that to me. I was wrong.

His ex wife told me that he was an asshole to her. It's her justification for the affair but I tend to believe her having lived with the asshole myself.
Apparently once she had caught him with some girl at a party off alone with his hand down her shirt. He said he was drunk.
It puts a lot of questions into my mind. Has he done it before? Probably.

Not my problem anymore.

[This message edited by Lola2kids at 7:42 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
WS: Him 49 (Together 12 years)
D-Day April 18, 2011, Him:out Sept. 11, 2011..moved June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1302 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Topic Posts: 22
Pages: 1 · 2

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