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User Topic: My friend's left her H and I'm triggering badly!
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Helpless  Posted: 1:48 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my friends has decided she is at the ILYBINILWY stage and has left her H.

She is excited as she sees this as a whole new start for her but her H who didn't see it coming (hell- none of us did) is devastated. He's crying and begging her to come home and promising to change but she's gone!

She's told me it's over and she hopes to meet a nice man sometime in the future so I know she's going through with it but I think her H thinks she will reconsider.

I see me in her H- the last to know that something is awry in the M and I'm triggering badly.

Whilst there's no one else involved some things she says remind me of wayward speak "I'm bored. It's all his fault I'm a moody cow. When I'm not with him I feel alive so he must be the problem! I want someone else- someone who treats me the way your H treats you!" ( THAT comment floored me and almost made me feel guilty for having a -now- fantastic M as I felt my M gave her a mirror that reflected to her just how crap her own M actually was! )

She's told him exactly how their S and D will be handled and that, if he doesn't like that, tough!

Trust me- there's nobody else. If she were having an A there's no way I'd still be speaking to her. Her H hasn't been a saint all these years and she strongly suspects he's had A's all the years they were M although she has no solid proof and says she can't live like this any more. ( my gut tells me he has but it's not been up to me to tell her that as it's unfair to make her suspicious just because my gut screams if she has never voiced her own opinion before .... anyway it looks like she's come to that conclusion on her own so a mute point now I guess.)

I feel like the foundation of my world has shifted again and I'm triggering badly once more. I almost want to shake her and tell her she's being cruel by leaving him yet staying friends with him as it's giving him false hope that she will turn up one day with her bags packed ready to move back into the M home!

I think that if she's moved on she should stay away from him and allow him the freedom to mourn her and move on himself and not be stuck in limbo land whereby -when he calls his S wife and asks her out for a meal she goes- just because she knows he'll pay!! He was the breadwinner so she's got (in her eyes) the best of both worlds. No H but still gets to have him pay for stuff when she's short at the end of the month. I've told her I think she's using him and she said "He cheated on me. I'm just looking out for me now!"


I'm confused.
Why do I feel any ounce of sympathy for a man even I think has cheated? Why do her words trigger me?
Why has she turned into a person who toys with her H?

Is it because her actions remind me how my FWH treated me during our false R? Where he dangled a carrot for months?

All I know is I I'm trigger trigger triggering


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
wobbly127
♂ New Member
Member # 28200
Default  Posted: 2:25 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Mrs Doubtfire--
The "don't get involved" sentiment you talked about--
my gut tells me he has but it's not been up to me to tell her
works two ways... but I know sometimes there's things that just don't show. A good friend of mine (who just died) went through hell. She was abused in ways that don't show. Her guy would make her sleep on the laundry room floor. And withhold food. She arrived at her friends apartment hoarding food and unable to sleep from PTSD. I may have nightmares about this forever. But all the time she was with him, she was vocal about loving him and failing ?!? him. She finally got enough spunk to leave him in June... but died last week.

Perhaps not as bad as this, your friend may be feeling some of the same things. If your friend decided to leave because she didn't like H's haircut-- there was never a marriage to start with. I believe she did it right. She left him, and now she's entitled to play the field.
So feel bad for her, if you think she's making a mistake. But know that she's behaving in a responsible way. The ways of payback are inscrutable.


Posts: 8 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: Atlanta, GA
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:35 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for that. She is acting responsibly in that she left and hasn't had an A.

It's just really unsettling to have front row seats in a failing M as it triggers me. Guess I need to man up a bit more


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
overandone
Member
Member # 39162
Default  Posted: 3:04 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think wobbly is on the right track.

You say she suspects he's had A's but can't prove it - how many BSs here also suspect but can't prove it. You also suspect, and she can't live like this any more - it's not been a snap decision for her.

Also none of us know what goes on behind closed doors.

And for goodness sake,don't feel guilty that you now have a fantastic M, that's what we're all hoping for, and good on you for getting there. I think it's good to know people with good Ms so we have a goal to aspire to.

Her H may be hurting now and need support, but at least she's made an honest break and not being a WS, if they get divorced she will have to accept whatever financial settlement is made. That's for her and her H to decide.


Me - BW (54)
Him - fWS (61)
kiddies - daughters 22 and 27,son 22,
d-day - April 18 2012
R - but lots of bumps in the long road

Posts: 199 | Registered: May 2013 | From: uk
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
What?  Posted: 7:38 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry this has you triggering. I would be, too.

I feel you maybe triggering because your friend isn't being honest with her STBXH and is being manipulative.

Why has she turned into a person who toys with her H?
I don't care what he supposedly has done, this is just cruel. I would be upset with any friend of mine who could treat another human in such a way. So much so that I would have to reconsider a friendship with a person who feels it is okay to treat another person in such a way. (((MrsD)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9404 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Trust me- there's nobody else. If she were having an A there's no way I'd still be speaking to her. Her H hasn't been a saint all these years and she strongly suspects he's had A's all the years they were M although she has no solid proof and says she can't live like this any more. ( my gut tells me he has but it's not been up to me to tell her that as it's unfair to make her suspicious just because my gut screams if she has never voiced her own opinion before .... anyway it looks like she's come to that conclusion on her own so a mute point now I guess.)

My wife didn't tell her friends either. I wasn't a saint, she was sure I was cheating on her, etc.

Frankly I think she is lying to you and is waiting to introduce her OM as someone new after she separates. That was my wife's plan though, so maybe having been in the exact situation your friend and her H are in I am just projecting.

eta:

Also, telling him how the S/D is going to work and if he doesn't like it, tough?

That is grade-A selfish bitch behavior. Everything you wrote about her practically screams that she is or recently was involved with someone else. If some dude came here and posted all those red flags in JFO there would be a 30 page thread with people chiming in with their exact same experiences.

Your friend is being cruel, manipulative and destructive, just going on what she has said and done and not even venturing into what she is most likely really doing.

[This message edited by StillGoing at 7:47 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7351 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
trumanshow
♀ Member
Member # 25624
Default  Posted: 8:20 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can bet there is either an AP or she has a prospect

I had a friend married 32 years-last person you think would do this. She told me and other friends with tears in her eyes that there was nobody-she was so sincere!

I knew there had to be-sure enough!


Your ex wanting to be friends is like asking a kidnapper to stay in touch when they let you go.

The type of fierce loyalty that I possess made me incapable of comprehending the level of disloyalty that he possessed


Posts: 1742 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: Charlotte, NC
Thinkingtoomuch
♀ Member
Member # 31765
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


I INSTANTLY thought A A A. Still think it.

I agree with Stillgoing and truman and Sister. You'll probably find out the truth soon enough.

It sounds cruel. It screams it.

I think it's your gut telling you.

[This message edited by Thinkingtoomuch at 8:39 AM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


Posts: 747 | Registered: Apr 2011
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:34 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You guys were right!

Sorry I didn't reply but I was out of town this weekend visiting family but, before I left, she invited me round to her new pad for drinks and then told me she had something to tell me- she really left her H because she hooked up with an old boyfriend !!

She said she only let it go physical after she left the M home and that she doesn't see it as cheating because of this!

I told her she had just had a revenge and/or exit A and she said "Say it anyway you like but I don't see it as an affair as he (her H) had one first !"

Needless to say she then went on to play me voice messages her H had sent begging her for another chance and I said she was out of order and needed to tell him before I did.

She then showed me his text that said he had found HER messages online to her lover and the text she sent him back that confirmed what he had found was right but that, as she didn't have a physical relationship with her lover before she left, it wasn't an A!

I told her she was having an A but she refused to see it my way at all!

I was totally blindsided by her confession!

My FWH said he could see the writing on the wall in the way they interacted with each other and that I need to realise that liars liar and cheaters cheat UNTIL or UNLESS they do what he did and get IC!

I thank God for those spouses like my FWH who own their crap but am really pissed at my friend who clearly doesn't! Sorry-( I don't need to comeback and put edited to add to say...) that should say "Ex"Friend!


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
MrsDoubtfire
♀ Member
Member # 24786
Default  Posted: 2:41 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry. I needed to add that when she started playing her H's voice messages begging her to come back it took me right back to my own JFO/ 'pre full knowledge of any A' situation and I wondered "Did FWH play my begging messages to his 'friends' or the OW etc?" and that's when I lost it and said she had to tell her H or I would!

FWH has confirmed that her H does indeed know about her A and has lawyered up!

Two wrongs do not make a right! She knew my thoughts: divorce your H THEN find a man


BS(Me) FWH(Him) DDay 05.09
A went underground. True R 02.10
I won't let another woman reap the benefit of enjoying the man my H has now become†

Posts: 1563 | Registered: Jul 2009
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