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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Well its over after over 1 yr = he can't handle it anymore
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 3:02 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I've been so proud of myself for taking care of me for a f*** change and we've had a very good week, had progress for the first time in months. I went out and got a "real" job that I start tomorrow - waitressing, something I have never done before. So he waits until 1:30 - 2:00 am to tell me its over he's done. And he can't see me ever forgiving him. Its been 13 months after an 8 year lie, and he hasn't done much of anything to help the recovery process except tell me he loves me and show me PHYSICAL contact & affection.

So now, he can't handle it anymore. Either that or he sees me moving away from him and wants to be the first to break it off & tell people whant an unforgiving bitch i am. So I just took 3 clonapin instead of my usual one on rough nites. Hoping to God I can get up in the morning and actually function at a brand new first day on the job I have no idea how to do.

Wish me luck! and BTW - YES, I'M F*** PISSED!!!!!!!!


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
Smokehouse
♂ Member
Member # 40203
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry to hear that broken. The things he put you through and he can't handle it. He handled it when he was lying, cheating and fathering a child at the age of 57 with OW.

I feel so bad for you. My thoughts are an affair destroys everything in its path. So selfish is the WS to only think of themselves. It sounds like your WS is once again only thinking of himself.

It sounds like you chose to give your WS the gift of R, and now he is throwing that gift away.

Keep choosing yourself broken. It is the only way you can survive this. My WW chose to violate our vows. I chose to work on forgiveness and R. I hope your WS is only frustrated and comes to his senses. I can think of no greater gift than the gift of R, and your WS should not for one minute take it lightly.

It has only been 2 months since my DDay, but, the pain is still more than I can bear most of the time. When I first found this site, read that it takes 5 or so years to completely deal with the affair and the aftermath, I wasn't sure it was worth it. Still not sure. I posted in the divorce forum several days ago because we are on the brink of going that way.

It is so sad to read about your marriage, or anybody else's taking a turn for the worse after trying to achieve R. I want to send my best to you and let you know I care and feel for you. It drives me to tears to see a marriage break apart.

Take care of yourself and I wish you nothing but the best! Stay strong and forge ahead. You are on the right track.


Posts: 147 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Ohio
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 6:11 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((broken)))

I am so sorry. Wishing you strength.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
wh boots5050
attempted R, it was all a lie

Divorced 8/5/14


Posts: 1315 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 7:25 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry. What a DBL your WH is. To wait until the wee hours of the morning to dump this on you. He can't handle it anymore? He can't? I am in disbelief. Everything he has done and put you through, and he's done? He can't see you forgiving him? Yeah, you should be pissed.

Let that righteous anger get you through this, broken. You can do it.

Best of luck on your new job. (((broken)))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 9:41 AM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Best of luck on your new job.

Remember - and don't hesitate to say - your H is just too scared to face his pain. He cheated. He gave up on R.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9991 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So he was supposed to move out Fri, but decided he didn't want to, and wants to keep trying.

I'm really just tired. I have kept my distance and it has been very strained around here. I did explain to him that the back & forth and threats for divorce are keeping us from ever even STARTING R. I've been working so much, so we haven't had a lot of time to talk, but what time we have had, he has been silent, and I've decided to leave it to him to begin any conversations.

He also has his list that he agreed he would do to meet my emotional needs and help in the healing process & repair of marriage. I tallied last night and he's doing maybe half so far (hes had list for a week). I call that an F.

I guess, as they say, more will be revealed...


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 8:35 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand what you are saying but I want to give you something to think about. You say he has had this list for a week and he is doing half of them so you give him an F. R is so not a straight line. I think you two need some professional help. In the last 2+ yrs. I know I have wanted my FWH to get it and get it quick but really he is capable of one thing at a time. I think your husband deserves some credit but of course that doesn't mean he can stop doing anything


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 1:18 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No I don't think R is a straight line either, but they are so early on with their D-day if he is only giving broken half of what she needs to heal now. . . most WS get more complacent as time goes on. I am not sure I would call it quits at this point, but I would not be giving him points for only doing half the things on the list either.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Congrats on your new job.

Gently, I am sorry for the anger and pain you are in. You have not been served papers yet...so try and float if you can.

I read a lot. I actively participate on this site. In my opinion many fWS's are good at two things....they avoid conflict and they manipulate others.

It is possible that your husband is reacting out if fear. I know he says he is giving up because of an inability YOU have....but I suspect it is his own fear motivating him now.

When we are afraid we go back to basics....ala FOO coping mechanisms.

In this case your husband can't avoid a conflict because you are unwilling to stay the same. You have and are growing. So now he is desperate....he tries another immature tactic....he waits for the early morning on your first day of doing for yourself to spring this on you.

I am not suggesting that your husband is psychopathic....I am suggesting what his motive could be but that he may NOT be conscious of it. It took weekly counseling sessions and a strong commitment on my part to "see" what had motivated me since childhood (FOO issues).

It was only then that I could work on changing myself.

I will pray you find the peace you need and that your husband finds the courage he needs.

Keep the faith....let us know how your first day goes!


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 2:42 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

hope you're going okay. You've posted in reconciliation and I'm assuming that's a mistake (understandable of course)

yes fuck him. Read your story and if you are 80% sure a couple of days later. All the power to you and i'm sure S/D will be happy to support you in this new phase


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
broken0912
♀ Member
Member # 39780
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks everyone for you support and encouragement. My new job is helping a lot toward keeping my mind off of things at home and also, soon enough, I will be good enough that I will be able to be totally self-sufficient financially. It is also helping to regain my self-esteem and independence.

Lauren - However, I know from my last post to this topic, I was still rather noncommittal, but he seems to be making a turning point, and has been making more progress

The truth is that we both do love each other and want to stay together if we can create a stronger, better marriage with open lines of communications. We have also been in MC for a year, but after we were doing so well after the first 6 or so months we backed off to meeting just every 3 weeks, and that's when things started going to go downhill again. Not sure if that was coincidental or not. Anyway, the C is trying to get us in more often, but having a hard time because of my new schedule and not sure what hours I will be working regularly yet. In fact, he is more committed to continuing MC than I am. We have both been a couple of times on our own to talk to the C, but are not doing any serious IC. His insurance won't cover him.

Please keep us in your prayers. Just for today, I'm not yet willing to give up on my marriage, but am getting myself prepared for whatever happens.


BS 49
WS 61
OW 31 now - 23-24 when it began
dday-9/4/12
M 13+ together 16
HIS DC: D-33,S-25,S-22
MINE: 0 -he was too old to have C at 44, but had OC at 57
LTA: EA 1-2yr then 1.5 after pa end
LTA: PA 3.5-4 yrs

Posts: 98 | Registered: Jul 2013
Topic Posts: 11

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