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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: More lies
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Sad  Posted: 1:39 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's my birthday.

I found a lie on wBF's facebook Tuesday. Took a picture as proof. Had a talk with him about how important the truth is, and he should confess everything. He said that there's nothing left to confess.

It was eating me up. I wanted to wait until after my birthday to confront him. But it was eating me up today. So I told him I had proof of something. He starts spewing out all these lies.

--He saw OW#2 on Valentine's Day. He had refused to see me because he was sick. I offered to bring him soup, and he showed up at my house around 8PM instead. After Dday, he swore he didn't see her on Valentine's. He gave me a timeline, and put on the timeline that he didn't see her Valentine's. Well, today he admitted he had dinner with her before he came to my house.

--He told me after Dday that he was getting counseling with a pastor. He would email me a summary of what they discussed. Admitted today that was a lie. He talked to someone online that he found on a website. Can't remember who the person was.

--He went on depression/anxiety meds at my insistence after Dday. He's been "taking" them every day in front of me. We talk periodically about side effects. He admitted today that he stopped taking them a week after he started, which was several months ago.

--He admitted that he skyped with OW#1 after he got back from his trip where he met and slept with her. He had told me he never spoke with her after the trip.

--The lie I found proof of is that he said he deleted OW#1 as a friend on facebook immediately after the trip in April. Nope, he didn't delete her until November.

--I found a girl's name on facebook that he did a lot of searches on. I asked who she was this week. Just an old friend, hadn't seen her in years. Today he admits he had dinner with her AFTER Dday.

--There's another girl he searched for multiple times. He also searched for a phone number, and I connected the phone number with the girl's name. He says he doesn't remember who she is. The searches were a month ago.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 1:45 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OH Honey - That just plain sucks. He is going to TT you to death, unless you decide he can't.

I would seriously take a step back, and reexamine things if I were you. This could be the best birthday present ever. Really, if you take this information for what it is, him showing you who he is, and set his lying cheating ass free, you are giving yourself quite the gift. The gift of the opportunity to have a normal, strong, healhty relationship, where you don't have to worry about the lies, the cheating, and all the ugliness that accompanies this relationship.

((((and strength)))))


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 7797 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's now saying that the girls name he doesn't remember is a patient. His roommate was talking about how hot she was, so he looked her up. Don't know whether I even believe that.

I'm just so sick of all the lies. I'm not even sad right now. Just feeling so unbelievably angry.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 2:44 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Lonelygirl10))

I am so sorry. I have been following your progress and your pain and uncertainty regarding your future with your wBF is devastating to witness. Right now, you need to tap into your anger. The fact that you are angry is a good emotion because you are starting to realize that you do not deserve to be cheated on, treated poorly and manipulated. You have given him chance after chance to demonstrate his good faith and dedication to you and your relationship and he has wasted every single opportunity. For your own sanity and self-worth, you need to end this relationship. He is showing you who he truly is, what his values are and how little you mean to him.

Please take some time for yourself today. Today is your birthday~a miraculous special day. Take a walk and enjoy the sunshine, drink a good glass of wine, buy a special piece of jewelry, do something for yourself.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 350 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 2:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I deserve a birthday dinner. I deserve my present. He spent Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's with her, and I deserve something special on my birthday.

I have tried so hard to make this relationship work. I cannot believe that he's been pretending to take depression medication for months right in front of me. Who does that?

It's just so many lies. I'm sure there's probably more out there.

The lies in the past don't bother me as much, like him being with her on Valentine's. But the lies in the present kill me, like the medication thing.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As much as you think you want a great birthday present, from him, in time you will despise that gift.

Who fakes taking medicine and lies about where they were and who they were with? Lies in the past, and lies in the present are predicters of his future behavior as well. For that reason the lies in the past, and now the lies in the present, should bother you equally. There has been no change in behavior and very little hope of any change in the future.

And, yes, there probably are more lies out there then just the ones you know about. There may be fake profiles and email addresses used that you have no information on.

All the warning flags are there, ignore them at your own peril.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I feel like I'm in shock. We had a really good talk Monday about lying. Tuesday morning he was so sweet and great, and booked our first MC session for this Saturday. I was hopeful that things were finally turning around. He told me that he understood how damaging lying was, and that he wants to work on himself and change. He said that he had confessed everything he could think of.

And then all this today. If I hadn't found proof of one thing, who knows how long the lies would have continued.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A thought, based on your posts - you know your sitch better than I do, though...

Very gently, I think you'll be less lonely by yourself than with this guy. Maybe the way to turn this into a good birthday for yourself is to dump him. Take back your power for your birthday.

He may stop lying to you, but he may not, and if he does, it almost definitely won't be soon.


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9757 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 4:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found that when I clung so tenaciously to determining what my WH lied about and tried to determine the truth it was because I didn't want to focus on me and focus on what needed doing, for me.

Initially it was more rewarding to figure out all that was wrong with/about him than it was to get up and affect change in my own life.

Why is it so important that you figure out all his lies? You have all the evidence you need to assume he still lies. No matter that he says he knows lying is bad when he still lies. And, maybe he's lying about thinking lying is bad.

You won't be able to think clearly if you listen to him. You'll need to go NC for quite some time before you realize how crazy this all is.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:03 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just told him that I can't do it anymore. I've locked myself in my office, and I'm bawling my eyes out. I need to leave, but scared to run into someone in the hall.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:07 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy Birthday, LG10!

I feel like I deserve a birthday dinner. I deserve my present. He spent Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's with her, and I deserve something special on my birthday.

Don't shelve your self-respect for one dinner.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 5:23 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy birthday.

Buy yourself a new pair of killer platform stilletos, and walk. Away! You deserve so much better.

I'm sensing that you stay because you're afraid. Of what?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1044 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
Landoes
♂ Member
Member # 40222
Default  Posted: 5:45 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Happy bday!
Consider yourself lucky!
My Wgf sent the OM something for his bday, Xmas and valentines.
I got nothing for any of those dates and had to text my Wgf that it was my bday while I was at work, and I live with her!
I'm not celebrating anything this year.

Posts: 62 | Registered: Aug 2013
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lonleygirl, HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You are a sweet, kind, gracious, loving, intelligent young woman who deserves all the blessings that this life has to offer. You should be cherished by someone who deserves you, not ruined by someone who doesn't.

I disagree that this is TT, this is new lying that he's doing. He's been lying to you about new stuff since DDay. Highly manipulative things like not taking his antidepressants while he's "taking them in front of you and talking about their side effects" like he IS taking them; looking up other women on FB and lying; not deleting OW after DDay like he said he did; claiming to go to a pastor for counseling when he has actually only met someone online and talked a few times.

There is nothing that this man has done that indicates he is interested in anything other than lying, manipulating, and continuing to do whatever he wants. NOTHING! He has been manipulating you since day one, and we have been trying to warn you and tell you. Now you know for a fact that it is in deed what he has been up to. He is showing you, repeatedly, who he is.... it is time to start believing him!

For your birthday, you deserve a clean break.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know your heart is broken and your dreams are shattered.

I learned I can control my emotions. I can suck it up a minute at a time and I can bawl my eyes out, later, when I get a private moment.

You can too. Focus on not feeling. You don't have to feel the pain in this moment. You can get a grip on whatyou need to do for you. Focus on that. Focus on what you need to do in the next 10 minutes. Visualize whqt you have to do. Visualize walking to the door, visualize opening the door. Visualize leaving. Visualize everyhting you have to do to get to a safe place where you can let it out and where you can howl at the moon.

Run your mind over those steps a couple of times until you have it doen and then go. We'll be here when you're ready.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Lonelygirl10,

I am so sorry you are experiencing what you are.

It appears he is still in the lying stage...a very entry level, immature stage for sure....but (gently) it is NOT just a stage for WS....BS lie too.

My wife lied to me first about having the affair, then how deep it was, then took her A from EA to PA while we were in counseling. The thing is....I was lying to myself. I was ignoring many of my own instincts screaming at me to detach, to stand up for myself, to see what is plainly in front of me.....I choose not to.

Several reasons within me allowed me to do this (fear of abandonment issues, shock of what was going on, imagining how hurtful a split would be to our girls, etc.).

But by lying to myself I enabled my wife to lie to me. KWIM?

Now...after a year of counseling, soul searching, reading, and praying....I can honestly say I was so immature in many ways. I am not fully mature now....but am confident I would react so very different to my wifes infidelity NOW compared to 1 year ago.

This takes time. You are still very new into this. I have followed your posts closely....I see some of me in you...particularly with your desire to focus on the positives, and believing the best of your boyfriend. All admirable qualities...but they can and do blind us to reality sometimes.

I do wish you a happy birthday....and pray for you to have peace tonight. You deserve so much more then a nice dinner or a romantic weekend at a bed and breakfast... you deserve to grow through this experience...I see you have the desire to do this. It will pay huge dividends...long after the taste of a good steak or the memories of a romantic couple of days. Happiness is a by product of growth.

Try and float for a bit...give yourself a break.

Once the lying stops I hope your TT period is abbreviated...mine lasted for a few months after DD and 1 NC breach.

....and don't let the RAGE stage freak you out too much. It was very unnerving for me....but was a very needed stage to process through.

I will continue to follow your posts...please keep posting.

God be with you both.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 10:04 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 3rd (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has been the hardest night. I left work, and he came over to my house because he said he wanted to talk.

He just left. I'm sitting here physically shaking because I'm so upset.

I told him that I needed time alone. A month of no contact. It was the hardest thing that I've ever done, and the most strong that I've ever been. I've been in 4 serious relationships before him, and I have never been the person to ask for space or to initiate a break up. I always stay in the relationship until it's beaten dead and the guy walks away.

He tried to convince me to stay tonight, and I wanted to so badly. I wanted to let him get in the bed with me. I wanted to go to the MC session he set for Saturday. I wanted to spend the weekend with him. So badly. But I just kept thinking that if I did those things, I don't think I could look in the mirror and be happy with myself. So I told him no.

I'm already wondering if I made a bad decision. On Monday, I told him that I was setting a boundary on lying. He had more TT on Monday, after hours of me questioning him. I told him that I would walk away if I had to confront him again about a lie. I told him that if he realized he lied about something, thought about it, and confessed on his own, that I would forgive him. He said he understood. Then Tuesday I found proof of a lie from the past. So I asked the question again. He lied to me again. Then Wednesday I gave him another opportunity to confess, and asked him if there was anything he needed to confess. He said no. Today it was really bothering me, and I told him that he could confess and it was safe. When I said that, all these prior lies just came spewing out. But he still didn't confess about the thing I had proof on, so I finally had to show him the picture of the proof. He swears he doesn't remember not deleting OW#1 from facebook. He said that he thought he did. He said that he didn't know that he needed to confess that.

So tonight when we're talking, he said that he confessed everything today because I told him it was safe to confess. And by me saying I wanted to be alone now, he feels like he did the wrong thing by confessing. That he should have kept his mouth shut. That he did it voluntarily because he reached a turning point, and now I'm saying I don't want him anymore.

I feel so mixed up about that. I want to believe SO BADLY that he had a turning point and did confess all that voluntarily. But why not confess last night? Or Tuesday? Or Monday when he confessed the other stuff? Is it manipulation now again to try to get me to stay? Or is it the truth? I have no clue. So I just told him that I can't trust him and that I need to be alone.

And I'm still wondering "what if." What if he's telling the truth and really doesn't remember not deleting OW? What if he's telling the truth, and I'm "enforcing" my boundary about no lies without a good basis?

I told my IC yesterday about the boundary I set. And I told her about the lies I found. She told me that my boundary was great, the way I said it. But asked me if I was really ready to enforce it. I said yes. But now I'm wondering whether he's telling the truth, and just doesn't remember.

I have to do a month of no contact. I have to do this for me, even though every part of my body does not want to do it. I need to be alone, and I need to start finding myself again.

I'm sensing that you stay because you're afraid. Of what?

I'm afraid that I didn't try hard enough. I'm afraid that I wasn't understanding enough. I'm afraid that I didn't give him enough chances. I'm afraid that the relationship failing was my fault. I'm afraid that he really is this amazing man I fell in love with, and I'm not giving him enough time to get back to that person. I'm afraid that he really does love me, and that I'm losing something great by walking away.

Very bad birthday.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1032 | Registered: Jul 2013
confused615
♀ Member
Member # 30826
Default  Posted: 5:01 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He is lying.

He lied.

He is lying. right.now.

He is a liar.

STOP making excuses for him.

You MUST enforce this boundary. COMPLETE NC. For one month. Or 36.

That amazing man you fell in love with never existed. He lied to you from the start. And he cheated on you within..what? 3 months?

Im sorry your birthday was so lousy. One of these days you will look back and realize he actually gave you a gift..he showed you who he really is. With NC, you can begin to heal.


BS(me)41
FWH 45
4 kids..21,20,11,9
M: June 2001
D-Day: 8/10/10
Status: Happily Reconciled.

..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.


Posts: 7136 | Registered: Jan 2011 | From: Indiana
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That he did it voluntarily because he reached a turning point, and now I'm saying I don't want him anymore.

This is more of the same...a manipulative move on his part. He is getting you to doubt yourself through a guilt trip. He has not reach the turning point he claims to have had.

I'm afraid that I didn't try hard enough. I'm afraid that I wasn't understanding enough. I'm afraid that I didn't give him enough chances. I'm afraid that the relationship failing was my fault. I'm afraid that he really is this amazing man I fell in love with, and I'm not giving him enough time to get back to that person. I'm afraid that he really does love me, and that I'm losing something great by walking away.

I, too, felt this exact way upon my DD. I know it is hard to believe...but nothing you could have done would have prevented your BF from cheating on you. Nothing I could have done would have prevented my wife from inviting adultery into our marriage. Their choice is about them. Further, the choice both your BF and his AP made isn't about them making a choice together...it really is about two people making their own choices...they just happen to have found each other. I say this because you may be tempted at some point to compare yourself to the OW....as if she herself where a GREAT woman. I did this too, and my wife professed that he was something special early on. It is a mind altering experience.....but affairs are an excursion into a very selfish, destructive mode of operation. You are doing well to distance yourself from this arena. You are doing so much better then I did so much earlier than I did. It hurts like hell now...but you are processing very well.

When your BF decided to cheat, did he discuss it with you? No. You had no role in his thought process or decisions that came out of that. Furthermore, WS are master manipulators. I see your BF continuing to manipulate you. Manipulation is not something a great guy would do to someone.

One of the hardest things about adultery is to open your eyes to the full person who you are in relations with.

One of the best things about adultery is that it opens your eyes to the full person who you are in relations with....and opening your eyes to the full person YOU are. Not only who you are in the relationship but who you are as a whole.

There are probably sides of yourself you have hidden from your BF. I think you are seeing a new part of you right now...an independent person who has an identity outside of your relationship with your BF.

This opening of our eyes is a very good thing. All good things are not enjoyable...but the outcome is.

I really get the pain and anxiety you are experiencing. I have had a year of flat holidays, birthdays, etc.....so, gently, I believe the gift you gave yourself on your birthday is going to be one of the best presents you will ever receive in your life.

Keep the faith....post often.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:16 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:55 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


So tonight when we're talking, he said that he confessed everything today because I told him it was safe to confess. And by me saying I wanted to be alone now, he feels like he did the wrong thing by confessing. That he should have kept his mouth shut. That he did it voluntarily because he reached a turning point, and now I'm saying I don't want him anymore.

I know this has you doubting, but, in time, especially if you maintain NC you will realize that this is actually comical. I spewed soda-pop on my screen when I read that. Can you say blameshifting.

Be careful of continued disrespect of you and what you told him you need.
He was hoping you'd let him stay so that he had a chance of establishing a heart bond and then you'd back down from your boundary. If he contacts you during your month of NC that will be additional proof of his disrespect of your boundaries and disregard of what is best for you!

Be aware that if appealing to your soft side doesn't work he may lash out in the hope it will trigger you to back down. Like a child he may throw tantrums to provoke you to give him the attention he wants.

You will need to find your determination, even if you think you're not strong enough.

When you think you need, or want, contact with him come here and post.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 347 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Topic Posts: 47
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