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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: More lies
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:21 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Posting here is keeping me sane, but I have mixed feelings since I know that he's reading all my posts.

I woke up this morning wavering in my decision. I woke up missing him. I still felt that I needed a month alone, but I was doubting my decision. He told me last night that it was a turning point and I wanted to believe it, but my gut told me that there was more.

I was right. I opened my email, and there were several emails from him with more lies. He's watched porn lately, and told me he didn't. He admitted he smoked pot a lot while he was cheating on me, which he knows is a strict deal breaker for me. He's seen the boss who encouraged the affair recently, and told me he hadn't. He sent nude pictures to OW#2 before he slept with her, and had lied about that. He went out with some girl on New Year's Eve, and upset OW#2 because OW#2 knew he liked this girl--does that make her OW#3? After Dday when he was trying to win me back, he was on a dating website just in case he wasn't successful. And on and on.

Reading the email reminded me of myself two years ago. I did so much stuff that was outside of the person that I wanted to be because I was terrified of being alone. My IC has really helped me to be more authentic. The other day I told the truth to a friend about a movie being outside my comfort zone, and in the past I would have lied and saw it with her. It seems dumb, but I was really proud of myself recently when I was authentic about myself in that situation.

So I told him this morning that I am challenging him to be alone for a month. He portrays himself as this wonderful, sweet, church going person. And then he smokes pot, sends naked pictures, and sleeps with other women. So I told him that if he wants to smoke pot and sleep around, then do that. And if he wants to be the person with strict boundaries that I initially got to know, then be that. But I told him that he needs to be alone to figure out what or who he is. So I challenged him to do that, and to prove to me that he can be alone.

I do still love him very much. But I will always wonder what he's doing when he's not with me unless I know that he's okay being alone.

I'm feeling extremely sad. I already miss him a lot. He makes me happy when we are physically together, and I love spending time with him. But I'm also feeling really proud of myself. It took me a very long time to reach the point where I could say those things to him, because I'm terrified that he won't be able to be alone for a month and he'll meet someone new. My IC keeps telling me though that a month is so short, and that he really loves me the way that he says he does, he'll still be here in a month.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 7:42 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way to maintain NC, is to have no contact.

No more challenges, etc. No matter what he says, his actions, and lack of actions, are his truth.


It is no different for you, or me. NC is an action.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 345 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Blobette
♀ Member
Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 7:43 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lying liars lie. Even when they tell the truth, they're lying. Just remember that, and keep reminding yourself of that.

Do you know why he lies so compulsively? There two options that I can think of: he's a manipulative narcissist, and therefore irredeemable. OR he has deep-seated FOO issues that mean that he feels he has to lie to be acceptable. This kinda fits in with the church-going vs pot-smoking thing. The latter is pretty hard to overcome, and can only be done by doing a lot of therapy. So: is your WBF in therapy? Does he have a good answer for why he's such a relentless liar?

I guess the point is that even though he's swearing to you that he's going to stop lying... Lying liars lie. And his recent confessions are part of that lie, the "I'm going to be a better person" lie. (But he was taking meds! Oh, right...) Personally, I would only think he's sincere if he sees a therapist to get to the root of this shit.

But personally, I'd dump him. Who needs to live with this? It's a pretty basic and serious personality flaw that is highly unlikely to improve. You're young... Move on.

Oh, and...MAINTAIN NC!

[This message edited by Blobette at 7:43 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


BS (me): 49
WS: 50
Married: 25 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1051 | Registered: Aug 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:49 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When you think you need, or want, contact with him come here and post.

Really starting to notice you alphakite. This is great advice. Detaching from a WS is a healthy thing to do...detaching from the world at large is not...that is how serious depression starts.

I used this site for the very reason you are advising Lonelygirl10 to use it...to break bad cycles.

Lonelygirl10...detaching may scare you, it did me. I took it that my marriage was over if I detached...because my wife had already detached from the marriage...if I detached our marriage would be over. Kicker on this thinking is...a marriage is two people. My marriage as I knew it WAS ALREADY OVER! It took me months to fully grasp that, then greive it, then RAGE about what my wife took from me and our daughters, then see my role in damaging our marriage, then RAGE about having to work hard on myself, then see that working on myself is the only change I have control over, then a long saddness over many things......then.....hope.

You see this often on this site and in books....this is a real process. It is not a formula, it is not a singular event....working through the pain and trauma associated with adultery, which leads you to your own journey, is a process. It starts as an individual journey...and you are taking the first steps into this individual journey.

I am a little over a year out...I see that my wife and I are actually trying to take a few steps together recently. It is awkward and we stumble...it took me 3 tries last night to express my thoughts and feelings around a very simple thought and feeling...and it was nothing "deep".

I have hope my wife and I can reunite in a healthy unity. That is my hope and I have faith that will happen. What I DO know is that the individual journey I spoke of ealier? That is the key to uniting with another person in a healthy way. If that is my wife (or your BF in your case) that will be great! If it is not, that is fine too. It is fine because I know I am working on things about me that will assist me to avoid this similar destructive cycle with others in my life.

You are doing the same thing.

We all are called to grow and mature...some of us do it in mid-life, some of us (like you) do it early in life. Given the choice I would have liked to have matured earlier in life....you have a long life ahead of you. You can put what you are learning to good use for a longer period of time...and you will have a more complete life because of it.

I also realize that some people go their whole lives and avoid maturing emotionally...so it is all relative.


You are doing well Lonelygirl10...keep the faith.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:03 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It took me a very long time to reach the point where I could say those things to him, because I'm terrified that he won't be able to be alone for a month and he'll meet someone new.

I know how you feel and you are right to feel this way...I did too (fear of abandonment is a part of me) Gently...you are moving so much quicker then I did. Take some comfort in that.

I know you are terrified about him finding someone new. Gently, the same could happen for you. I am not talking about a revenge affair...I am talking about the realization you might come to that there are other men out there for you....or that you find having your own space to be really comfortable. In other words...you may find like I did that your world is more then just your relationship with your BF. I lost parts of myself throughout our marriage, so did my wife. Sometimes this "lost" came in an active form such as hiding ourselves from each other. Sometimes this "lost" came in passive forms such as loosing interest in things so slowly you didn't realize you were loosing interest...KWIM?

Regardless, you are 28 years old...far from a biological clock ticking, still have plenty of time to establish a career and save for retirement....just so much possibilities for you.

30 days of patience? You got this!

One word of caution...as you detach from your BF and find your confidence....the "world" will take note. People interact differently with me...it can be tempting to loosen some boundaries. I suspect you feel as if you could never do to your BF what he did to you...and maybe you can't...just be alert to this possibility. A comforting word or touch from the opposite sex while dealing with the pain and hurt of betrayal can feel VERY good.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:18 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3411 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:05 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The only way to maintain NC, is to have no contact.
No more challenges, etc. No matter what he says, his actions, and lack of actions, are his truth.

I know. He sent me so many emails last night, that I just couldn't ignore him. I know what I need, but I also don't want to be mean to him. I think I made myself very clear though this morning. I need to know that he can be alone. If he's contacting me when he's lonely, then that's not truly being alone. I won't respond after this morning if he tries to contact me again. If he can't go a month without contact, then it will be a sign to me that he's not ready to do what I need in the relationship.

One word of caution...as you detach from your BF and find your confidence....the "world" will take note. People interact differently with me...it can be tempting to loosen some boundaries. I suspect you feel as if you could never do to your BF what he did to you...and maybe you can't...just be alert to this possibility. A comforting word or touch from the opposite sex while dealing with the pain and hurt of betrayal can feel VERY good.

Thank you for the word of caution. Unfortunately, I already know this too well. In a prior relationship, I was unfaithful. I made a recent post this week trying to decide whether I should confess that to my xBF, because I completely got away with it. I felt so horribly ashamed afterward, even though I partially did it because I suspected he was cheating on me. I've been dealing with that in IC too, and I know that I would never do that again. My IC has told me over and over that even if I'm single, she thinks I need to stay away from men for at least 6 months. She said that I tend to latch on to a man in order to avoid getting to know myself, and that the only way to break that pattern and be in a healthy relationship is to be alone and face my fears. So, that's my plan regardless of what happens with my current boyfriend. I need to be alone for awhile.

Do you know why he lies so compulsively? There two options that I can think of: he's a manipulative narcissist, and therefore irredeemable. OR he has deep-seated FOO issues that mean that he feels he has to lie to be acceptable. This kinda fits in with the church-going vs pot-smoking thing. The latter is pretty hard to overcome, and can only be done by doing a lot of therapy. So: is your WBF in therapy? Does he have a good answer for why he's such a relentless liar?

He sent me an email in the middle of the night with all these other lies. In it, he said that he lies to me and to himself, because he doesn't want to see himself that way. He says that he does things to fit in and make people like him, and then he lies about doing those things because he doesn't want to see himself that way. It's really like there's two versions of him. There's the version of him that I got to know. He was this guy with strict boundaries, very religious, never did drugs, never cheated, didn't have female friends, didn't watch porn, etc, etc. And then there's the version that I've slowly started to see, who texts girls inappropriately, sleeps around, goes to strip clubs, goes to massage parlors, does drugs, etc, etc. Two completely different people. Which one is the real him? I have no clue. I don't even know if he knows. I honestly think he WANTS to be the person he was when I met him, but I don't know if he's ready to really do the hard work to become that person. I think he's too scared of being alone.

The other thing that's really been bothering me is the double standards that were in our relationship, most of which I didn't know about until very recently. He had a zero tolerance policy for me and male friends. He told me that he didn't have female friends, and so he didn't want me to have male friends. I was completely okay with that at first, because I don't really like him having female friends. But, he was almost too strict with me on it. I can control my behavior, but I can't control other people's behavior. He would get upset if a guy commented on my status update on facebook, which I have no control over. I was worried yesterday about guys commenting happy birthday on my wall, because I knew he would get upset about it. He used to tell me that guys don't pay attention to girls unless they like them. But then yesterday I saw on his facebook where he was liking and commenting on all these girls' profiles, and where he was "poking" girls. And then stuff like bars... he says that he doesn't want me in a bar without him, even if I'm not doing anything wrong. But yet he went to bars behind my back. It just frustrates me. I feel like I lost some friends because I was trying to control my behavior for him, and then he was just doing whatever he wanted to. If he hadn't cheated, I probably wouldn't care about it. I've always put my boyfriend's wishes above my own, thinking that if you love someone you should respect their wishes even if you disagree. But now I'm starting to doubt that thought. I don't know. I feel lost. I had all these ideas of what I wanted in a relationship, and now I don't know anymore.

Another thing that has been bothering me is the lie he put in the email this morning about him being on the dating site after Dday. He was sending me all these emails saying how he only wanted me. But he was on a dating site at the same time? I feel like he doesn't actually want me. I'm just a girl. He dates me, and flirts with other girls. Sleeps with other girls. If I leave him, he tries to get me back at the same time as trying to find someone new. That really hurts. It just really hurts. It makes me feel like I was never special.

One of the hardest things is letting go of the beliefs I had about this relationship. Looking back, I feel so stupid. When my friends would talk about their bad relationships, I would tell them to be patient and not settle because one day they would find their match like I did. I daydreamed about marrying him. I had told my dad that he was going to propose soon. I had all these dreams and plans, and thought that I had finally met the guy that had all my same values and morals. Was I really that blind? How did I not see it before now?

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 9:08 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I opened my email, and there were several emails from him with more lies.

And on and on.

And on and on.

And on and on.

And on and on.

And on and on.

And on and on.

He spent Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year's Eve, and Valentine's with her, and I deserve something special on my birthday. I have tried so hard to make this relationship work.

Every damn holiday of your relationship is sullied because … he’s been cheating on you the ENTIRE time you’ve been dating.****HE**** never committed to you!

DATING? Dating’s only purpose is to reveal if the person has long-term partner potential!

Go read today’s post by BeyondBreaking: She uncovered a cheater/liar while dating, but she wanted the WEDDING, but now she regrets the MARRIAGE … and is in the early stages of DIVORCE.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=509713


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My IC has told me over and over that even if I'm single, she thinks I need to stay away from men for at least 6 months. She said that I tend to latch on to a man in order to avoid getting to know myself, and that the only way to break that pattern and be in a healthy relationship is to be alone and face my fears.

Listen to this very wise woman! Your man-picker is broken.

I know what I need, but I also don't want to be mean to him.

LG10, I get the impression you've never, in your life, put yourself first. You and WBF have that in common...he never put you first either. And never will. How much proof do you need?

Looking back, I feel so stupid.

Quit beating yourself up. 100% NC. Put yourself first. Fix your picker. You can do this!


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response there’s a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1037 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Words:
he did it voluntarily because he reached a turning point

Actions:

yesterday I saw on his facebook where he was liking and commenting on all these girls' profiles, and where he was "poking" girls.


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 9:50 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "poking" and other stuff on facebook happened a few weeks ago, but I know.

One of the other things he said to me yesterday and this morning is that he saw where I posted on SI yesterday that all I wanted for my birthday was the truth. He said he saw that, and he was trying to give me what I wanted. He also took a screen shot of a text I sent him yesterday where I asked him to tell me the truth, and said it was safe to do so. I said that in regard to this girls' name and phone number that I found him searching for. I guess he interpreted it to mean about everything, and he said that's why he was so honest. So in a text message while I was asleep last night, he sent me that image of my text. And said "It broke me today. I should have been honest way sooner. And I deserve this. But this motivated me to be honest about all I could remember." So I partially feel guilty for telling him it was safe to be honest, and then asking for NC after he was honest.

Gah. I don't even know what I think anymore. My head feels like it's full of cotton.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "truth" is simply the facts about rock bottom behavior. The hard work comes in changing the beliefs that led to the bad behavior. You both have a great deal of hard work ahead of you.

Your work on self-esteem and co-dependence:

I've always put my boyfriend's wishes above my own, thinking that if you love someone you should respect their wishes even if you disagree. But now I'm starting to doubt that thought.

His work:

He says that he does things to fit in and make people like him, and then he lies about doing those things because he doesn't want to see himself that way.

Take the 30 days of NC and work on yourself!


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What? You're thinking of letting one element of truth wipe out the impact of probably 100s of lies? For most of us, it's the other way around, and for very good reasons.

Being yourself, maintaining your boundaries, requiring honesty in your relationships - none of that is remotely related to 'being mean'.

My IC has told me over and over that ... she thinks I need to stay away from men for at least 6 months. She said that I tend to latch on to a man in order to avoid getting to know myself, and that the only way to break that pattern and be in a healthy relationship is to be alone and face my fears.

She says 'she thinks' her analysis is correct - that makes me really like your IC. You know she's probably right.

You will never have the relationship or life you deserve unless you face yourself and your fears, griefs, angers. That's not a curse; it's just the way life works.

You can have a great life. It's just waiting for you. Choose your self. It's the best present you can receive. So what if it's a day late?


fBH (me) - 65+, fWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9748 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can honestly say that I am ready to do the work to change. I don't like the person I was. At all. I want to be strong. I want to stand up for myself. I want to be brave. I want to have a life independent of whoever I'm dating. I want to have boundaries in my romantic life, but also with my friends and family. I want to be myself. I want to reach a point where I know that the people in my life like me because of the real me, instead of some image that I gave them. I'm ready. I can't control him, but I'm ready to work on me.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:15 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He sent me so many emails last night, that I just couldn't ignore him.

It isn't true that you couldn't. It is true that you CHOSE not to ignore him.

He sent you so many emails because he was trying to rehabilitate his image that you had of him, and he was acting just like he has before in the sense that he trys to please people. Also, if he TRULY respected you he would have respected your boundary of NC. Really, he would have.

He is so deluded that he convinces himself that vioalting your request for NC was less important than his need to rehabilitate his image. He doesn't even realize, or choses not to realize, that he is lying by saying the most important thing is that he tell you the truth because that is what you asked for.

You asked for NC, but he didn't value that. Are you starting to get this?

Besides, words are just words. If only he could fix this with words! He can't. He needs to figure out why he uses drugs, lies, cheats, betrays people, and lies about it, etc. or not. Instead of bombarding you with emails he should have been desperately searching for help. He should have been calling hotlines and getting immediate help. Instead he bombards you with words.

If he is serious, he has already made an appointment with someone, to figure his stuff out.

You established a boundary and then you walked all over it, by responding. Nothing you responded needed saying.

She said that I tend to latch on to a man in order to avoid getting to know myself, and that the only way to break that pattern and be in a healthy relationship is to be alone and face my fears.

This is part of what I mentioned earlier in that you have been so focused on what is wrong with him that you aren't focusing on the things that you need to do to be healthy, and authentic, for you! It is far easier to see what others are doing wrong that deal with our own deficits.

It's really like there's two versions of him. Two completely different people.

No, one is an image and the other is reality. He uses the image to hide who he really is.

I honestly think he WANTS to be the person he was when I met him, but I don't know if he's ready to really do the hard work to become that person.

Ah, . . . well, . . . I'll bet dollars to donuts that he wasn't the person that you thought he was when you met him. You met the image, not the man. You discovered the man, later. He didn't show you who he really is you had to uncover him.

Was I really that blind? How did I not see it before now?

Yes, you probably were choosing to be that blind. You didn't see what you didn't want to see because you were in love with the image and in love with your own daydreams.

So I partially feel guilty for telling him it was safe to be honest, and then asking for NC after he was honest.

Do you even see how outrageous it is that you feel guilty because he lied? He owed you honesty!!!!!! Regardless.

Lies = Bad Truth = Good

In reality, his issues are deeply embedded and he has much work to do if he wants his authentic self to match the image he wants others to have of him. Lots, and lots, and lots, and lots, of work.

In the meantime, if he has ANY respect for you, not to mention love for you, he will maintain NC.


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 345 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 12:20 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

A HUGE red flag is that he didn't allow you male friends because he told you that men are only friends with women because they want something form them.

Then he had all kinds of interaction with females.

You ignored that if what he told you was true, or that he believed it to be true, then it would also apply for him, since he is a male. Yet, . . .

He was friends with, and "poking" females because he wanted something from them.

Yes, you ignored the signs.

[This message edited by alphakitte at 12:22 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 345 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You ignored that if what he told you was true, or that he believed it to be true, then it would also apply for him, since he is a male. Yet, . . .

He was friends with, and "poking" females because he wanted something from them.

Yes, you ignored the signs.

I found that out this week. I didn't have access to his facebook password until last week, and you can't see that type of stuff just looking at his profile from my account. Once I got his password, I was able to see his activity section that's only visible to him. That's when I discovered everything he was doing, and I asked him questions about his facebook usage to see if he would be honest. He wasn't.

Until Dday in April, I literally had no clue that he ever did anything with females. He said that he never did anything on facebook, and I never saw him do anything from my account. He never went out with any female friends that I was aware of. He never went to a bar, and actually would even refuse to go with me because he said it wasn't his thing. He kept me so informed of his location, doing things that other men I dated didn't, like sending me texts when he got back home from his dad's house or keeping me updated with sweet messages when he had dinner with male friends. He even told me once that he didn't watch porn because he thought it was being unfaithful in his mind. He volunteered that information, I didn't ask for it.

In reality, I guess he was doing stuff on facebook that I didn't know about. He would tell me that he was at his dad's house, and really go out with girls to bars I guess. He was watching porn. So much stuff that I just didn't know about.

It isn't true that you couldn't. It is true that you CHOSE not to ignore him.

That's true, and thanks for calling me out on that. My IC points that out a lot too.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 12:35 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

OMG, Honey!

You're not his mother. You keep having talks with him about lying. WTF? You're not his mother! Do you honestly think he's unaware of the concepts of right & wrong? That he doesn't know about lying? What, is he four years old?

Good grief, if you marry this man it would be like pedophilia. He's a child!

Girlfriend, you need a man. A M-A-N. An equal. A partner. Someone you can trust. Someone who inspires you. Someone who wants to please you & adore you. Someone who is safe to entrust with your heart.

What you don't want? You don't want to be your grown husband's mommy. You don't want to be his warden. You don't want to be his parole officer.

Have you been working on your own self? Post after post is all about this baby-man. What about you?


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9248 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have you been working on your own self? Post after post is all about this baby-man. What about you?

The first step was telling him NC for a month. It took me forever to reach that point, because I was too scared of him finding someone else. So the fact that I was able to do that is a huge first step for me.

I have my next IC appointment on Tuesday.

Not sure what else to do now, or how to start working on myself. I've been reading a book on boundaries, and I bought one on codependency that I'll start next.

I know the weekend will be hard. I had planned to spend it with him, and no plans now. I could call a friend, but don't really have a desire to. I don't feel like talking or faking my mood this weekend. I just want to be alone I guess.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:22 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just got home, and opened the birthday card that he got me. He wrote that he hoped my birthday was a fresh start for us.

I was mostly doing okay at work, and now I'm feeling sad. I just remember this time last year, and happy I was with him. We were looking at engagement rings, and I felt like I had everything in the world. I used to think all the time how lucky I was to have a good job, good friends, and a good boyfriend. It all felt like it was coming together perfectly. I was so blissfully happy.

He was always jealous, and I don't think he ever really understood what he had. I loved him. Truly loved him. I was always excited to see him, and I just thought he was the greatest guy ever.

I'm mad at him. I wish he had been able to see what he had. Why couldn't he see that what we had was special? Why wasn't I enough? He was enough for me. He was all I wanted. Why wasn't I enough for him? Why did he have to do all that crap? Why couldn't he see how much I wanted him? He said he was terrified of being alone, and that's why he did it all. But I was there. I was there, and I loved him. So that doesn't make any sense. Why did he risk giving up our relationship?

I keep thinking about the emails today. He slept with OW#2 on Christmas Day, broke up with me on the 29th, and then went out with another girl on the 31st. The OW#2 was upset that he went out with the other girl, because she knew that he liked the other girl. So... that means that he was liking OW#2 and this other girl at the same time that he was seeing me? And during all this, I was just living my life and having no clue what was going on. I feel sick thinking about it.

I remember when he broke up with me in December, and he said it was because he was depressed. Then he said it was because he wanted to move for school. I offered to move with him, and then he said that he didn't know if he wanted me. That he was 99% sure that he wanted me. And I spent the next few months trying to prove to him that I was good enough. I finally "won" and we got back together. Then two weeks later, Dday happened.

I'm so mad. I'm sad. I'm confused. I'm lonely. I'm frustrated. I'm just... GAH


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1031 | Registered: Jul 2013
alphakitte
♀ Member
Member # 33438
Default  Posted: 6:15 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why in the heck was all that you describe acceptable -good enough - for you?


------ Some people are emotional tadpoles. Even if they mature they are just a warty toad. Catt

Posts: 345 | Registered: Sep 2011 | From: 3 klicks north of Ambiguous
Topic Posts: 47
Pages: 1 · 2 · 3

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