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User Topic: Do the AP think they're that much better than the BS?
dayatatime
♀ Member
Member # 17090
Default  Posted: 8:21 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In our case, she had to try to convince herself, WH and anyone else who would listen that she was better, to overcome the thundering silence of my WH not leaving me for her. I think there's a lot of crazy thinking that goes on to justify As.


BS 52
WH 55
son 13
ddays 9/27/07 and 9/1/10

Posts: 764 | Registered: Nov 2007
TrustGone
♀ Member
Member # 36654
Default  Posted: 8:26 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She did, because he made her feel that way. The conversations she had with me were all about comparing me to her. It was really sickening now I have had time to process it for what it was. She knew everything about me and I didn't even know she existed, so that in itself gave her broken ego a boost for sure. I no longer care what she thinks about me. My WH#2 is my concern now, but mainly I am concentrating on myself.


BW-50
WH#2-51
M-9 yrs T-11 yrs
4 children-none together
DD#1-9/5/11 LTA 2yrs
DD#2-7/3/12 False R
DD#3-4/29/13 (OW broke NC)
Status: Your guess is as good as mine.

Posts: 2420 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Texas
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 9:36 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If AP's truly respected themselves, they would only date single people. They would certainly not settle for WS's.

If OW thought she were such a catch and worthy of a top-notch guy, why would she be sneaking around with my damaged, lying, cheating H?

There are 3 billion men in this world. If she had any self-esteem, she would have at least held out for an unmarried one.

As far as H showing her that she was better than me, why the hell would she give any weight to his judgement? Like he's the authority on who's a good person .

I'm sure H's compliments and even the fact that he was willing to cheat on his kind, smart, sexy wife with her didn't do that much for OW. It was like pouring water in a bucket full of holes.

What really makes you feel solid and proud and worthy is your own judgement of your own self. When OW looks honestly at herself, what does she see? A needy, unloved woman, desperate for crumbs from a broken married man. It's actually pitiful.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
womaninflux
♀ Member
Member # 39667
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think they think at all (except themselves). And from what my SAWH said, the AP never wanted to hear anything about his home life or wife or kids. Obviously, she did not want anything to ruin the fantasy.


BS - mid-40's
SAWH - mid 40's
Kids - 2 elementary school aged
Getting tons of therapy and trying to "work it out"

Posts: 910 | Registered: Jun 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm a former OW. I know for sure that his wife is better than me. No contest, better wife, better mother, better person. AP and I even talked about this. He said how great she was. I agreed.
We both agreed that we were pathetic losers...


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
housenotahome
♀ Member
Member # 32423
Default  Posted: 10:05 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If AP's truly respected themselves, they would only date single people. They would certainly not settle for WS's.

Exactly. The fact that they would get involved with your spouse indicates that they know they're not better than you. They wouldn't spend so much time and energy lying to themselves and dragging others down with them if they thought they were better.


Me BS
Him WS
Married 10 years together 14
DDay Mar.2011
Mistake-Going through a stop sign because you didn't see it.
Poor choice-You saw the stop sign and went through it anyway.

Posts: 772 | Registered: Jun 2011
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 10:11 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not in my case. I saw multiple emails where AP tried to bait H into trash-talking me and he wouldn't go there.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 338 | Registered: Sep 2013
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both agreed that we were pathetic losers.

That makes me really sad and I hope you don't still feel that way about yourself.


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:12 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that when someone has to talk down another person's value it has much more to do with the person doing the attacking than the person in question.

In other words, people put down others because of how inadequate they feel about themselves. It's a prop to make themselves feel better about whats wrong with them. Cutting someone down to build yourself up is classic poor self-esteem/ self-image deflection.


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
JanaGreen
♀ Member
Member # 29341
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I find that when someone has to talk down another person's value it has much more to do with the person doing the attacking than the person in question.
In other words, people put down others because of how inadequate they feel about themselves. It's a prop to make themselves feel better about whats wrong with them. Cutting someone down to build yourself up is classic poor self-esteem/ self-image deflection.

Yep. Been guilty of this many times myself - and it was always due to my own insecurity!


We're both in our 30s. One awesome 4-year-old daughter.

Posts: 6809 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: Somewhere in the South
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Rachelc-- I agree with Jana. I can find compassion for all.

I know it's not a popular thought here, but if I look at myself honestly, I was in a place where I was also accepting crumbs from a broken man. We talk of the WS and the AP not being emotionally healthy, bu I can honestly look inward and see that I wasn't emotionally healthy either. Easy to analyze their issues -- tougher to look at my own.

I still have better judgment and moral integrity and would never have chosen this destructive path, but my bucket still has some holes that I need to patch up on my own. WH ( or anyone else) cant fill my bucket.

This isn't to say I don't despise her!!!!

Edited for typos.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 10:27 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 715 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Revenge  Posted: 10:32 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IDK, and I really don't care anymore what OW "thinks".

OW called me "The Love of Your Life" to FWH as opposed to calling me by name. Which it could have meant ironically except it is just so fucking stupid I am confident it doesn't understand the concept.

In reality, a lot of OW's are full of bravado, but deep inside they are a mass of insecurity and low self esteem. They need to bolster themselves by getting married men to fuck them because if they can lure a MOM away from the wives that they love they really must be something special, mustn't they.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9801 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
RyeBread
♂ Member
Member # 37437
Default  Posted: 10:36 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Disclaimer to my previous post:

A lying cheating scumbag is a lying cheating scumbag. Facts are facts. Its when over inflating someones faults or perceived weaknesses are used against them. Especially those concocted from someone trying to justify their own destructive behaviors.

[This message edited by RyeBread at 10:36 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Let him that would move the world first move himself. - Socrates

Posts: 1030 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Midwest
cuppacoffee
♀ Member
Member # 39313
Default  Posted: 10:51 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think she does. I'm sure she thought she treated my husband better than I did. She told him what he wanted to hear and only saw the 'pretty parts' of him. I'm sure her tune would change when she saw how he was in real life not fake A life.


I'm like a vacuum bag
That holds all that old dirt
Remember that time we said we'd be together forever?
Don't hate me, don't regret me, don't ever forget me
Wherever you go, whatever you do, don't say I never loved you

Posts: 361 | Registered: May 2013
NeverAgain2013
♀ Member
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH says, "She was never better than you" and my response is always, "they why did you let her think she was everyday with your words and actions?"

Because THAT, my darling, is what keeps the ego strokes coming, the look of puppydog adoration for him in her eyes, her continued opinion that he's some kind of demi-god, and the assurance that she'll eagerly and happily continue to bend over backwards, forwards, sideways and inside out in order to please him every single way possible.

An OW is kind of like having a dog, if you think about it. Dogs will love you unconditionally, even if you don't deserve it. They're also very anxious to please their masters, much like an OW. The exception between the two is that dogs don't lower themselves to rutting in backseats of cars, staircases, elevators, public parks and the like. Ok..I take back the public parks thing.

But you get my meaning.



[This message edited by NeverAgain2013 at 11:14 AM, October 4th (Friday)]


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1819 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 11:27 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We both agreed that we were pathetic losers.
That makes me really sad and I hope you don't still feel that way about yourself.

oh, I don't now. But I did then... it irritates me when APs say they lost their mind, or didn't know what they were doing. I knew right from wrong all the time, i still chose wrong.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5283 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, I guess I get it. Thanks RachelC for the insight, but of course that was just the you THEN.

I know that my WH got into his LTA mainly to have his ego stroked. He was being such a horrible father and husband that he couldn't have felt good about his normal life.

Yeah, OW wouldn't have wanted the REAL WH if she knew what daily life with him (at that time) was really like. Likewise my WH wouldn't have been able to function with the REAL OW, someone had to be selfishly doing all the WORK of raising kids, cooking, cleaning and working, that's assuming you want to have a spouse, kids, and a home to come back to.

I agree with the above comments, that really we shouldn't care about what OW thinks but it's one of those bothersome thoughts that wells up late in the night. Somewhere unaccomplished, unfaithful wife and neglectful mother that the OW was gets to think that my sad sack of a WH put her ahead of me for those years. I hate that.


Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes the MOW thinks she is much better than me, she even told me that all I do is obsess about her all day long

Ah the delusions run wild!


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Truthfully...I don't give a rat's butt what the psychopathic POS thinks or thought at the time. POS is irrelevant to me now.

I know what I am...one hell of an awesome woman!!! FWH is a damn lucky SOB to still be a part of my life.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 8:06 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That's the spirit. You are 100% correct!

Posts: 630 | Registered: Sep 2012
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