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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: I can't give affection he needs
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 7:50 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In the course of our trying to reconcile, and to determine the "Whys" of his affair, my husband has determined that some of the things he needs most in relationship is to receive affection, to feel loved and be told that he is desireable. I am so saddened by this because I really don't feel any of thises things for him. He literally doesn't look like my husband to me. I feel like I am living with someone from whom I always have to be on guard, how can I be affectionate to this person? Our sex problems gofar back and since his affair, I can't be comfortable enough in bed with him to see him as desireable, just as the man who calculated his affair. He told me he weighed pros and cons with his therapist prior to proceeding to a PA with his affair partner. How can I look at him with any sence of affection or love knowing that he planned this out, weighed the pros and cons and decided that our marriage and I was not worth making a different decision?
Has anyone else felt this "nothingness" and how do/can you get past it?


Me 42
Him on board, finally
1 5 year old child
D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 8:38 AM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What the hell did his therapist say? That is bizarre.

Are you in MC? The sex/desireablity part has to be worked through, because it isn't fair to either one of you to have that missing forever. But, if your dday is recent, then you are dealing with a lot right now. I would say just keep talking about it and get some help from a better therapist!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1858 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Shocked  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is truly remorseful and committed to R, he will suck it up for awhile and accept that your current lack of attraction is a direct result of his behavior. Don't let him blameshift. His therapist should have counseled him to work on romance with you if PA was tempting him


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 980 | Registered: Jul 2012
MartlArts
♀ Member
Member # 36130
Shocked  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If he is truly remorseful and committed to R, he will suck it up for awhile and accept that your current lack of attraction is a direct result of his behavior. Don't let him blameshift. His therapist should have counseled him to work on romance with you if PA was tempting him


excerpt from an awesome quote "Forgiveness - the finishing of old business that allows us to experience the present, free of contamination from the past."

Posts: 980 | Registered: Jul 2012
Knowing
♀ Member
Member # 37044
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I read your posts back to the beginning of September. Until about 6-8 months post DDay I was numb. I was still in shock. I was probably depressed since I couldn't get out of bed until 7 months post DDay, so I wonder, are you numb? In shock? Depressed? All of the above? Or are you just done?

As for your WS' need for affection. Have you done the 5 Love Languages online quiz? Is there any chance if you felt that your needs might be met that you might feel like meeting his?


Me: BW, Him: fWH
Together 12 years
My EA (?) 2005-2011
His STA/PA: D-day: 19/09/12
TT: 08/12/12

We are in R.


Posts: 697 | Registered: Oct 2012
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 4:06 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The whole viewing your spouse in a new light post-A is something I feel too.

We too had issues with intimacy pre-A.

We are not improving fast enough for either of us.

We are hopeful a new intimacy will enter our marriage in the future.

In the mean time we both recognize this is a time thing....it may be a never thing. We will cross that bridge when we get there.

I feel this is one of the aspects of a relationship that is toughest to fix within a marriage then it is with a new person. ie: divorce. New person sex is very exciting and stimulating all on its own....it can actually exist on its own. Our challenge is to process through all of the pain and hurts of our history together....pre, during, and post-A.

My driver is to break the cycle I lived for 15 years...and that is to change myself. Changing my wife is not an option (cant make a person change)....choosing a new mate is an option, but that will give me the opportunity to stop growing and just enjoy the bliss of a new relationship.

I miss fun sex...but I desire more....I desire a healthy intimacy. Not sure what that looks like....I have had fun sex.

This past year has been too much work to throw it all away to just have fun sex again. By throwing it away I mean stop maturing emotionally or divorcing and finding a new woman....both would confine me to only achieving fun sex. Sure, a new woman could have fun sex that evolves into true intimacy....but that would take even more time! I hate wasting time!

So I don't know how to get past the nothingness you speak of. This is where faith comes in.....must believe that healthy sex will come to you without any evidence....and, because of adultery, have faith healthy sex will come to you in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:07 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Kierst13
♀ Member
Member # 39197
Default  Posted: 5:49 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He told me he weighed pros and cons with his therapist prior to proceeding to a PA with his affair partner.

Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying he actually talked with his THERAPIST about his affair and then ramped it up to a PA?

Sweet Mary, Mother of God. The deep, deep levels of conscious, purposeful betrayal are unending.

I think you have to hope that time and him doing ALL of the necessary work will somehow heal that pain.

I cannot wrap my head around talking about an ongoing affair with a therapist and choosing to not only continue the affair, but increase it to PA.


Story in my profile
He lied, I gave the gift of R
He became the model remorseful WS...all while lying and seeing her
Am I done? Yes I am!

Posts: 347 | Registered: May 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

....it does appear your husband and his therapist worked up a list much like you would when you decide what type of car he would buy.

To be sure, I get that WS can fool all they touch....my wife took her A from EA to PA after 7 consecutive weekly MC sessions and a few IC sessions scattered in that same time period.....but that was in secret....my counselor was as totally surprised as I was. I cant imagine a counselor would actually approach infidelity with this tactic. The deep betrayal that I felt would seem like childs play compared to the tactics of your husband....IF it is as it seems.

I am hoping, like the others, misread your opening statement.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
ddame23
♀ Member
Member # 40407
Default  Posted: 3:50 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the responses. No, there is no misunderstanding, unless his timeline is not accurate anymore, and his memory seems to be fading after a year, he told me that he weighed the pros and cons and his IC asked him if he could see himself putting energy into the relationship AFTER having the affair.

Thanks for all your responses. Hi affair is all kinds of screwed up in ways that I can't explain on even an anonymous forum, but it does help to see that othrs have struggled with similar issues.

[This message edited by ddame23 at 3:51 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


Me 42
Him on board, finally
1 5 year old child
D-Day April 18 2013
The whole Truth 7/21/14
Spoke (wrote) too soon more TT 7/23/14
I can't even put into words...

Posts: 57 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Coastal Empire, GA
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to come in late. What did his IC say while your H discussed betraying himself and you?

The C owes loyalty to his client, your H, but I don't think a good C helps a client cheat. If your H doesn't let you talk to his IC about this, it's a big red flag, IMO.
*********************

If the issue you post about s a small issue in an otherwise good R, ignore the following.

If your H is pressuring you for sex, he's way off base. The BS can pressure the WS, but IMO a remorseful WS may express her desires but she better follow her BS's lead.

Of course, an unremorseful WS just plows ahead and demands what she wants. She didn't think about her BS during the A, and, unremorseful, she still isn't thinking about her BS.

My bet is that your H's desires are unhealthy. I bet further that he doesn't take in and appreciate the love he does get, and I also bet no one can satisfy his idea of what he 'needs'.

What he does need is to figure out how to rejoin the human race and have reasonable expectations of himself and of other people. Based on what you write, you're loving enough. He's got the problem.

What sort of support are you getting? If you're not in IC, I'd urge you to try it out so you stop seeing yourself through your effed up H's filters.

You need to see yourself as you really are, and IC can help that. Just be prepared to see yourself as a lot better than you think.


fBH (me) - 70, fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9940 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Topic Posts: 10

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