Are you in MC? The sex/desireablity part has to be worked through, because it isn't fair to either one of you to have that missing forever. But, if your dday is recent, then you are dealing with a lot right now. I would say just keep talking about it and get some help from a better therapist!
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months
In MC & Reconciling
Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time. ; )
As for your WS' need for affection. Have you done the 5 Love Languages online quiz? Is there any chance if you felt that your needs might be met that you might feel like meeting his?
We are in R.
We too had issues with intimacy pre-A.
We are not improving fast enough for either of us.
We are hopeful a new intimacy will enter our marriage in the future.
In the mean time we both recognize this is a time thing....it may be a never thing. We will cross that bridge when we get there.
I feel this is one of the aspects of a relationship that is toughest to fix within a marriage then it is with a new person. ie: divorce. New person sex is very exciting and stimulating all on its own....it can actually exist on its own. Our challenge is to process through all of the pain and hurts of our history together....pre, during, and post-A.
My driver is to break the cycle I lived for 15 years...and that is to change myself. Changing my wife is not an option (cant make a person change)....choosing a new mate is an option, but that will give me the opportunity to stop growing and just enjoy the bliss of a new relationship.
I miss fun sex...but I desire more....I desire a healthy intimacy. Not sure what that looks like....I have had fun sex.
This past year has been too much work to throw it all away to just have fun sex again. By throwing it away I mean stop maturing emotionally or divorcing and finding a new woman....both would confine me to only achieving fun sex. Sure, a new woman could have fun sex that evolves into true intimacy....but that would take even more time! I hate wasting time!
So I don't know how to get past the nothingness you speak of. This is where faith comes in.....must believe that healthy sex will come to you without any evidence....and, because of adultery, have faith healthy sex will come to you in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
God be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 4:07 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
He told me he weighed pros and cons with his therapist prior to proceeding to a PA with his affair partner.
Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying he actually talked with his THERAPIST about his affair and then ramped it up to a PA?
Sweet Mary, Mother of God. The deep, deep levels of conscious, purposeful betrayal are unending.
I think you have to hope that time and him doing ALL of the necessary work will somehow heal that pain.
I cannot wrap my head around talking about an ongoing affair with a therapist and choosing to not only continue the affair, but increase it to PA.
To be sure, I get that WS can fool all they touch....my wife took her A from EA to PA after 7 consecutive weekly MC sessions and a few IC sessions scattered in that same time period.....but that was in secret....my counselor was as totally surprised as I was. I cant imagine a counselor would actually approach infidelity with this tactic. The deep betrayal that I felt would seem like childs play compared to the tactics of your husband....IF it is as it seems.
I am hoping, like the others, misread your opening statement.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 6:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]
Thanks for all your responses. Hi affair is all kinds of screwed up in ways that I can't explain on even an anonymous forum, but it does help to see that othrs have struggled with similar issues.
[This message edited by ddame23 at 3:51 PM, October 7th (Monday)]
The C owes loyalty to his client, your H, but I don't think a good C helps a client cheat. If your H doesn't let you talk to his IC about this, it's a big red flag, IMO.
If the issue you post about s a small issue in an otherwise good R, ignore the following.
If your H is pressuring you for sex, he's way off base. The BS can pressure the WS, but IMO a remorseful WS may express her desires but she better follow her BS's lead.
Of course, an unremorseful WS just plows ahead and demands what she wants. She didn't think about her BS during the A, and, unremorseful, she still isn't thinking about her BS.
My bet is that your H's desires are unhealthy. I bet further that he doesn't take in and appreciate the love he does get, and I also bet no one can satisfy his idea of what he 'needs'.
What he does need is to figure out how to rejoin the human race and have reasonable expectations of himself and of other people. Based on what you write, you're loving enough. He's got the problem.
What sort of support are you getting? If you're not in IC, I'd urge you to try it out so you stop seeing yourself through your effed up H's filters.
You need to see yourself as you really are, and IC can help that. Just be prepared to see yourself as a lot better than you think.