Lately itís like things have gotten worse. Talking has turned to allot of arguing. I know Iím at fault but Iím having trouble being patient and I also know that I need to try harder. She says hateful things to me and even talks with a sewer mouth. At the heat of the moment, I sometime battle back and it gets ugly. Itís not until I reflect upon it later and put myself in her shoes that I build the empathy I wish I had during the discussion.
Does this EVER get any better? This seems like a lost cause some times. How did you guys handle this when your betrayed spouse heated up and started going nuts on you, even though itís over a year later?
Shouldn't she be OVER THIS already?!
It would be helpful if you'd give an example of a "hateful thing" she's said to you.
You pretty much said what you need to do... "try harder."
Don't get defensive. Don't argue back. You effed up. You blew up her world. Your choices put you and her here. You have to remember that at all times.
One thing that helped me is to dig into each emotion I was feeling and try to find out why. When you feel defensive, ask yourself why, and then go from there. Honesty with your feelings.
That being said, you shouldn't be her whipping boy either. Let her know its hurts when she says theses things. Let her know you are willing to talk with her, but not willing to let her say awful shitty things to you. But let her know in a loving way.
Good luck man.
My BH apologizes after cause he hates doing it to me as well. The problem comes in knowing they are thinking that all the time.
How do you yourself grow and bring your self worth back up when your BH sees you as this. I know its early.
I can relate to how your feeling Skip. I want to scream I am not this totally horrible person. I am lovable I am worth more.
I am going through this exact thing right now and struggling mightily with it. It is incredibly difficult to hear the one you love say such hurtful and heartless things to you no matter what you have done. I do not know how to handle it and right now I am not handling it. It is causing me the most pain I've ever felt in my life.
To hear her say "I don't want your letters and your cards or your so called sweet texts because they are all a bunch of f*!#ing garbage hurts. To hear her say she has no respect for me and that I am not a man but a p*ssy with no balls hurts. It all hurts because I love her so much but right now she views me in this light is more than I can take sometimes.
I hope through IC I can learn to deal with this in a healthy way and try to keep looking at the big picture but I can tell you it is freaking hard. Like Joan said to know, to really know and have the reality set in that this is how someone you love and care for feels about you is very hard to take.
When I can catch myself, I think about how those dreams make me feel. It's pretty damn painfull and humiliating. To think that I actually put her through that in real life is very painful.
So, when I think about that, saying "there, there, there, lets not say bad words"...seems a little rediculous. I guess she needs to just get it out of her system.
Maybe it boils down to this in some ways. Bill Clinton once said "Negative Press is better then no Press at all".. Maybe in this case, even if she is going wild on me, it's ok. It means she still wants to talk to me and is maybe looking for my help. I just wish I knew how to help.
It's like pushing someone off a cliff..there they are hanging by a small twig and now you're lowring a life line. The twig may not hold up but do I offer trust to this asshole again of just fall the rest of the way with dignity.
But remember that this anger is the face of their pain. They are injured... Pretty damn bad. And if we are asking them to try to work through this and stay with us, they need to be allowed to work through it. We force-fed them a shit sandwich, so they should be allowed to throw it up if they need to.
So, yes, they do need to get it out of their system. And we as WS have to develop a suit of armor. My BS has said afterwards "I know this sucks for you but I honestly feel so much better afterwards. I can't explain it."
Well if it makes her feel better by her calling me a few names, I can deal with that. And she has said some pretty effed up hurtful things. I don't typically fight back. Depending on the situation, I nod like "Ok, I guess I have that coming." I tell myself that OK, I did this and this and this, so I deserve that.
Now Skip you are going on a year and if it hasn't gotten better, then she is not getting what she needs from you. If you are fighting back or arguing back, you'll get nowhere.
Empathy. and understanding. and patience. And Love.