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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Dday by confession or finding out
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 5:01 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Do you feel that finding out by confession is "easier" than busting your wh? I really struggle with the "what if" of it.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
topperoff22
♀ Member
Member # 40762
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

YES! Because being lied to over and over and over and over and still lying even when he was caught was torture. It set us back a HUGE amount. had he confessed when I found all the receipts on AMazon for the gifts he sent her it would have been way better for him than how it went down. I had to search for the answer I didn't want to find and the lies made it all even worse.


BS - Me 36
WS - Him 35 (almost 36)
Child: son, 6; just learned one on way
DDAY - July 24, 2013 (thousands spent on ex girlfriend)
DDAY2 -Aug. 3, 2013 (proof he slept with her)
R is slow going after TT for 1 month

Posts: 316 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: US
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 5:10 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out when I opened computer to our shared email, he left it there, suggestive email, I felt the ground give way, it was horrific.

What was worse is that he walked out the same day, no remorse, no sadness, he seemed happy, like he was just leaving on a brief trip.

He called upstairs to me when done packing, "I'm leaving, I've got my stuff" in a light happy tone. I don't know if that will ever leave my memory.

I do see how huge the way you find out and the actions post dday influence the recovery.

I feel like more damage was done post dday than up to the point I found out. Sure, it would have been painful, difficult, heartbreaking but it just feels like crap piled upon crap piled upon crap. Even still, the crap pile is growing taller.

How did you find out?


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1087 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:27 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wBF confessed. I got out of the shower and was trying to have sex with him, and he sat me down on the bed and confessed. All this horrible stuff. I was only wearing a towel. I told him to leave, and then I threw up.

Then months of TT.

I think it's hard however you find out.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 731 | Registered: Jul 2013
Tearsoflove
♀ Member
Member # 8271
Default  Posted: 5:29 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had one of each. They both sucked.

Definitely having him tell me without having strangers start telling me about my own marriage was preferred but it didn't really change the mad search for information that ensued.

Really, it's going to be unimaginable pain no matter how you find out. Either way, you rehash issues in your marriage to figure out just how much of a lie you lived. Either way, you are now looking at a spouse who isn't exactly who you thought you married. Either way, your foundation is shaking and you're trying to get your footing.

And since your spouse obviously lied during the course of the affair, you still wonder if you have the whole truth no matter who tells it to you. You still search to find what you're afraid you missed. You still wonder what about you wasn't good enough that your spouse could do this to you. You still struggle to find the you from before the person you thought you knew better than anyone destroyed you.

You go through hell no matter how you find out. The only difference between confession and being told is that you didn't get information about your own marriage from an outsider. Either way, you still have to evaluate the quality of the information.

[This message edited by Tearsoflove at 5:30 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me: BS
Him: FWS
3 kids

DD#1: 3/18/2003
DD#2: 9/28/2010 with a follow up on 1/28/2011 where he decided to come clean about the EA actually being a PA.

The OW could have been anybody and both turned out to be nobody special.


Posts: 3773 | Registered: Sep 2005
MoreWould
♂ Member
Member # 37982
Default  Posted: 5:43 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always wondered about that too, liked to imagine that a sincere confession would have spared me the pain of finding out via a stranger, followed by crazy-making TT. Even with direct testimony in my hand, my WW still tried to deny it.

But it never goes like that, and like so many here have already said, it hurts like Hell no matter what.

I've been practicing giving up all hope for a better past for over 30 years. It does get better.


Me BH/WH, 63
Her WW/BW, 62
Her DDay Dec 1976 OMW at the door
My DDay, ~ 2years later, confessed ONS the next day
R via "Sweeping under the rug"
Still married, 40 yrs, mostly OK
2 kids, 24 & 20

Posts: 347 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Colorado
IDeserveMore
♀ Member
Member # 40460
Default  Posted: 6:18 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mine was finding out. I feel like it's worse. This is because I think he would never have told me. He swears it was dwindling but I had no evidence of that. I found her number as a half hour phone call that took place while I was out studying for a huge board certification exam. Then he denied and denied.

I feel like it would have been so much better if he would have told me.


Me (BS) 44, Him 47, kids 13 and 15
DD1 4/99 with an ex, before we got married
DD2 12/04 4mo EA/PA w/OW my age
OW also married w/kids
5 1/2 years of TT, lying, withholding
In R but it's been lame. I think I just stayed for the kids.

Posts: 65 | Registered: Aug 2013
PrincessPeach06
♀ Member
Member # 39588
Default  Posted: 7:20 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Confessed


Me (BS): 35
Him (fWS): 35
Married 16 years 6 kids ages 15-5
DDay #1 (EA) July '08
DDay #2 (EA/ONS- different OW) May 15, 2013

Finally this is R 8/14/13

"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".


Posts: 297 | Registered: Jun 2013
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 7:26 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Found out.

Amex had lots of details for me which send me into full investigative mode. He's still freaked out by how much I was able to piece together.


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 7 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 214 | Registered: Sep 2013
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out. I can't imagine the hurt being less had he confessed, but some things I struggle with wouldn't be the case if he had...for instance, I wonder how long it would have gone, would they have eventually fell in love, would he have left me for her if they had more time to form a relationship. If he confessed and had ended it himself and been honest I wouldn't still worry that he has feelings for her/wants her. I wonder that because I blew it up before he was ready to end it he will always in some way pine for her. I forced them apart, kwim? Also, a confession means he "gets" it to an extent, it would mean he "woke up" instead of me pouring the cold water over him.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:34 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

DDAY1 caught
DDAY2 confession

both had their negatives and positives. Due to the person regarding DDAY two however, if he hadn't confessed and I still had suspicions (it was apparently over for a week)

would of been the death of us.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 7:36 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

duplicate :)

[This message edited by lauren123 at 11:16 PM, October 4th (Friday)]


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 814 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 7:50 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered. In my case this was better because I found email evidence of everything they did.

I told WH that I'd read it all and knew it all, so there was no opportunity for TT. Also, the fog lifted fast and WH was relieved to go NC. From reading on SI for 9 months, I think TT and false R would be the worst nightmares.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out. He confessed when I asked him, he didnt have much of a choice with the proof I found in his phone. I sometimes think that if he would have just told me it would be better. I think that I would have appreciated it more if he told me but I would still wonder and have questions. But I might have found it easier to trust him? Idk really, just thoughts.

Either way I have a lot of questions and I feel in my gut hes not telling me everything in complete honesty. Regardless of how I found out Im sure I would still be dealing with the same issues.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Peaches2013
♀ Member
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 8:07 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out.

It wasn't easy. I had suspicions when he returned from his convention.

I looked at the phone logs at work (like an idiot) and put a couple of things together and then found the pictures he had sexted to her on his Skydrive. Nothing like finding a few dick pics by surprise at work.

I texted him that I was leaving work early and did he want to join me. He told me later he had a feeling I knew and he was trying to figure out if he was coming home to all of his belongings on the front lawn.


Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 8:09 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WH could not deny it...MOW rang our doorbell.


ME: 53 BS
HIM: 60 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 3.5 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 1968 | Registered: Nov 2011
OldCow18
♀ Member
Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 8:14 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sailorgirl, good point, I doubt had he confessed that it would have been the full truth and he would have already deleted the evidence. But would that be better than having their email conversations burned into my brain forever? Idk. It all sucks no matter how it goes down.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (48) 10 years, together 15
D-Day 6.8.13
D-Day #2 9.6.13 Broken NC/TT
D-Day #3 10.23.13 "Full Disclosure"
WH having PA with MW coworker 3.13-6.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
FR2012
♀ Member
Member # 36345
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband found out by finding text messages on my phone. He told me that he would have rather me tell him then for him to find out. He told me that it makes it harder finding out because of the lies and deceit.

Honestly, I wish I would have had the balls to tell him instead of him finding out how he did. I know that it hurt him more that way.

Either way, it still sucks and hurts them.


BH (him): 28 ~ FWW (me): 27
Together 9 years
2 kids
D-Day: April 19, 2012

Posts: 167 | Registered: Aug 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:10 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I confessed. He was caught. Twice. This makes no difference to me as far as affairs are concerned but trust, damn nearimpossible....
I will never trust him again.,,, I'm worthy of the truth, no matter how bad it is...


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me: 47
him: 51
4 kiddos in lower 20's

“Courage is the price that life exacts for granting peace."


Posts: 3624 | Registered: Dec 2010
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 9:13 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It made a huge difference to me. I got an out-of-the-semi-blue confession. Granted, I knew something was wrong, but never in my wildest dreams did I imagine THIS.

In our case, his "redeemability" stock went WAY up because he came clean. Well, mostly. Had some TT for a few weeks, but it was NOTHING compared to what some other members have been put through.

In the end, it only matters what it means to us personally.


For last year's words belong to last year's language
And next year's words await another voice.
And to make an end is to make a beginning. - T.S. Eliot

Posts: 14602 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Topic Posts: 56
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