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User Topic: Dday by confession or finding out
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He confessed, but only because the OBS had found out and he was terrified of OBS getting to me first.

It doesn't help in the grand scheme of things. He still had the affair. He still chose her over his family.

Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 10:27 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it would help me with my own doubts had mine confessed but either way, I am not sure I will EVER trust him again.

I found out because I was feeling like he was mad at me and I had a nightmare that he cheated on me. I woke up at 3am and felt compelled to check the phone records. There were over 700 to a certain number that I didn't know. I lied and told him I accidentally slung my phone off of the charger when I woke up and needed to call it so I needed his lock code. He gave it... I checked and all of the texts were deleted. As I was leaving for work I yelled at him about keeping secrets or something. He lied to me over texts for about 2 hours. I came home and he was alseep and I took his phone, the code wasn't changed and there was a text on there there that said "G.M.H.B." So I took the phone and I called the number, no answer and then his phone rang. Up to this point he told me it was a guy he worked with and that they were bitching about their wives to each other, blah blah blah. I had asked him if he was talking to someone else via text, he said no. When I answered his phone, it was a woman. She wouldn't tell me anything except that they were friends and I needed to talk to him (I was asking here why she was talking to MY husband, etc. and she lied and told me her name was Tiffany. I can't remember if I threw anything at him while he slept or if I just started yelling. Either way I was pisssssssssssssssed. I just wonder if I would feel differently if he had come to me with remorse rather than me threatening to blow a hole in his life to shock him out of his stupid "my wife fucking sucks" fog and start being remorseful. He was a horrid, hateful bastard for a few weeks. It was misery.

I also don't feel I would have ever been told had I not figured it out. One day the stupid ass is going to realize I am not stupid.

I think TT and false R are my biggest fear right now. I have nothing supporting that he is doing either. He has been VERY MUCH a model WH with very, very few exceptions. I just can't help wondering.

I am fairly positive I would have completely lost my shit if I had been told by the OW. Like arrested lost my shit... and I am NOT like that.

Peace to us all, this is the best worst club I have the pleasure of belonging to.

Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Two were found out with months of lies and TT. One was confessed with years of lies and TT. And the fourth (which was actually the first) was a complete confession.

The complete confession allowed for me to believe that I was given the whole truth finally. If she was going to completely admit to something that happened 6 years previous and I had not clue about, she was doing it for herself not for me. She wanted and needed to be free. Free of secrets.

That is when her healing and my healing began.

BS 40
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2628 | Registered: Aug 2012
♀ Member
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wish he confessed however he did come clean the minute I confronted him. There was no TT and the fog had lifted immediately. This helped a lot!

DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1459 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 4th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a strong feeling something was wrong and would be worse if I didn't figure out what it was so I looked at his text messages and found out the truth.. I would have rather he told me but he admitted if I never found out myself I would have never known because he would have never told me about it.

It makes me wonder if I never found those texts then HOW FAR would it have gone before it stopped. It was already consuming his spare time/energy (which is why I knew something was up, he was totally unavailable to everyone).

BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.

Posts: 205 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 4:54 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I discovered - 3 weeks yesterday

He says he wanted to confess - actually I do believe him. He was terrified I would throw him out and stop him seeing the kids. Which of course he should have thought about. Obviously
And I could have. He has major mental health problems. It wouldn't be hard to get a lawyer to push for no contact between him and the children because they're at risk of him. And he has minimal support network where we live - his choice to not integrate and his brokenness to reject friendships etc. He had checked out of our family's finances years ago so would have had little resources. Throwing him out with his bipolar and diabetes could have very well killed him or ended up with him in psychiatric hospital. He had fogged me into this evil bitch who wanted to destroy him

So I discovered texts. He is genuinely relieved now I'm not the destroyer he had started to believe I was and that it's over

Great for him

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:46 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out. By text through a friend- acquaintance really. He says he was going to tell me and I believe him. He says he broke it of with her, she got pisse and the next day I for all of their texts texted to me. He had even asked me to book a room for a getaway a few days before and he says he was going to tell me then.
Sometimes I think I am glad I found out because it gave me time to adjust. That was such a raw moment for me- I am glad he was not there to see it- for me- I wouldn't want him to have seen me like that. I wa able to compose myself for the confrontation. He came clean immediately- a few TTs along the way but just minor details that came out later.

Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
♀ Member
Member # 33202
Default  Posted: 9:28 AM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Finding out. Minutes after we had sex he was reading the AP's texts. I 'saw the light' and the true nightmare began.

My gut was screaming for 6 months and I was in denial. It was a relief to know I wasn't crazy.

He would never have confessed. I have learned over the last 33 months that my WH is truly a coward; he still can't face himself.

[This message edited by struggling16 at 9:32 AM, October 5th (Saturday)]

Posts: 722 | Registered: Aug 2011
♀ Member
Member # 40166
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first DDay was when OW's BH phoned me, it was so awful.
6 weeks later my H threw down the rest (4 other women during our 15 year marriage).
Both were terrible, gut wrenching and nauseating.
Having him "fess up" to the whole truth helps some but I still worry that he's held something back.

It just all sucks, no matter how you find out it f'ing hurts.

Me: BS
Him: FWS
M: 15 years
4 lovely daughters
Working to rebuild.

Posts: 943 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Canada
♀ Member
Member # 34602
Default  Posted: 1:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out. It was weeks of watching him text...a lot. Watching him hide his phone. Watching him text while sitting next to me and turning his phone away from me. Seeing that he put a pattern lock on his phone out of no where. Listening him talk about coworker OW more and more. One day I had a dream he was cheating on me with her. I think that might have been my subconscious motivation to find out more. One night he was playing video games and I was watching him text. I went over to him to give him a hug but really I wanted to see if I could sneak a peek and find out something. I saw her name. I watched him some more and memorized the movements to the pattern lock. Later his phone was upstairs and I went up and opened it up. That is when my world fell apart and changed forever. I was shaking and couldn't stop. I didn't confront him until he left for work the next morning and texted him telling him that I knew. I didn't sleep at all that night. 9 months of TT after that.

I do wonder if I would have felt different if he had confessed. Then at least I would know he felt bad about it. At least I would know I was in his mind. But really, I think this is one of those which is worse, EA or PA arguments. It all sucks. We wouldn't want any of it to happen. We don't want to choose between the lesser of two evils....evil is evil. I know we ask these questions to find comfort and answers...especially to make sense of all this. In the end, it all just sucks.

Me (BW): 32
WH: 33 TimeToManUp
Married: 11 years, together 16 years
3 daughters: 9, 5, 3, and and 2 angel babies (2013 and 2014)
D-Day: 12/21/2011
Confronted him: 12/22/2011

Posts: 1727 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: New Jersey
♀ Member
Member # 37725
Default  Posted: 1:22 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I caught him. I confronted my FWH three times during his LTA until he finally confessed.

The first time, he successfully gaslighted me into thinking I had misinterpreted things, that he would never "do that" to me, that they were "just friends." I don't know that I completely believed him, but I accepted his story because I couldn't imagine that he was the kind of man who would cheat.

The second time, I had him in tears, but he vehemently maintained that he and OW were "just friends." ("How can you think that I would do that to you?") That time, I knew he was lying, but also knew I needed more evidence, so I backed off.

This sent me into full investigative mode. I started monitoring phone records, counting Viagra, and finally broke into his e-mail account.

The third time, I had the goods on him and bludgeoned him into a tearful confession during a cold and relentless interrogation.

Oddly, the confession came as a huge relief, in a way. We had one of the most honest conversations of our marriage, and even though it was extremely painful--even though I vomited for days--even though it sent me into a deep depression--in spite of all those things, it felt good to have it all out in the open. Does that seem weird?

If I had not confronted him, I'm sure he and OW would still be meeting on the sly. The PA had allegedly ended in late 2010, after the second confrontation, but the EA continued. OW was pressuring him to return to a PA, and I'm almost sure he would have eventually.

Me: BW, age 66
Him: WH, age 64
Married 19 years
In R.

D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA

Posts: 403 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Connecticut
♀ Member
Member # 35519
Default  Posted: 1:42 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Mr. Yoshi never confessed.
AP#1 from 9 years ago called my home and left a message on our answering machine where all the kids could hear because she was angry he broke it off.

Off course he lied for months until a friend of mine found out the truth.

I found out about AP#2 when I walked by my husband using his phone and saw the I love you's.

Again, more lies until I dug up most of the truth myself.

Its all very very painful.

ME-BS-41 WH-45
Married 23 years-together 27
5 beautiful children ages 15-25
Dday1-late June 2011
Dday2-early July 2011
Dday3- early August 2011
Another affair 7 years before.
R going well

Posts: 279 | Registered: May 2012 | From: yoshi7268
♀ Member
Member # 39833
Default  Posted: 2:54 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would rather have been told, then finding out the way I did and reading all the nasty horrible things he had been saying about me and all the lies he had told me over the months

Ow = 19(at the time)
WBF A = 08/10/2012-17/10/2012
D-Day = 24/01/2013

"It was easier for him to hurt me than it was for him to turn her down"

Posts: 80 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Scotland
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a bunch of selfish, unnecessary pain. Either way it really does suck. Just something I was pondering.

Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 8:50 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He confessed....22 years later...almost to the day. I thought something when she called our house after he came home from his ONS with her.(he claims he has no idea how she got our phone number). But he denied every time is brought it up for all those years. He was an sob for all those years living with his secret.

BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
♀ Member
Member # 38839
Default  Posted: 9:58 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

D-Day 1: I found out.

D-Day 2: He admitted 2 more OW.

I definitely would have felt better if I knew from the get-go. As it turned out, I learned it all 6 months to a year after it happened.


Posts: 306 | Registered: Mar 2013
♀ New Member
Member # 40569
Default  Posted: 3:51 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He never confessed. In February 2013 when I saw text messages he lied his way out of them (stupid me) and in august 2013 OW contacted me on FB and told me everything

Me (BS)-34
DDAY 1: 2/2013
DDAY 2:(FB instant message from OW)8/17/2013
kids- DD 2, DD 6 mos
Attempting to R

Posts: 15 | Registered: Sep 2013
♀ Member
Member # 39722
Default  Posted: 6:54 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out!

I came downstairs from having a soak in the bath, while he was in the kitchen his lap top was in the living room, open, in a chat room and his yahoo messenger was on ...

It wasn't his name on yahoo messenger, or in the chat room, so I knew he was up to something.

He denied it at first, just said he was chatting as friends, I later found out it wasn't, that he had been having cybersex with people on chatbazzar chat room, and had 2 women on his yahho messenger, one of them stripped naked for him on webcam and touched herself! Nice woman!!

Me & Hubby = aged 46
Together 16 years
Married 9 years
He had 1 yr EA in chat room then 6mths EA phone/texting with same woman.
Cyber sexed with many OW in chat room for at least 1 year.

Posts: 123 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: UK
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 7:30 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I found out by reading her Christmas sext to WH. He confessed everything when I showed it to him. There was some minimizing but largely the truth in hours and days to come. And I put it together quickly, as i knew of all their visits as/with friends.

D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou

Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 7:48 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I got Dday by confession, which overall I think is better but not initially.

Before confessing, my husband sanitized everything. There was no trace of an affair. He then confessed but told me I didn't need to know who it was and refused to answer any questions. I went for a couple of weeks wondering if it was a neighbor, friend, someone at his office... Once we got into MC, our counselor told him he had to tell me and he did, but that early time was brutal.

Then once he told me it was an old high school friend from out of state, I didn't believe him and he had no way to convince me it was. It took me months to be convinced and then only because I created a fake facebook account and discovered she and her best friend had me blocked on facebook. He didn't even share that tidbit with me - they had a pact to protect each other from discovery and blocked each other's BSs. I couldn't think of any other reason for two women I didn't know would block me on facebook. Plus once I could read her posts from during the affair, it was clear she was trolling for him.

Me (BW) (55), Him(SAWH) (58)
Married 22 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1492 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 56
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