FWH has completely buried his A. He has never ever brought it up. When he sees me struggling he ignores me and he never offers any support. The other day I triggered (drove past one of their meeting places for the first time). I tried to talk to him about it and I got......CRICKETS. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. His silence infuriated me.
Problem is I don't feel that I ever got the truth. I know deep down inside that he lied about most of it. He did nothing but TT me and the only things about the A that I do know are the ones that I found myself. He NEVER confessed anything. I turned into a pathetic lunatic digging for every bit of evidence and truth I could find. I wasted countless hours. I even sunk to the level to beg the OW for details. What a brilliant idea considering she is an even BIGGER liar than he is! I still kick myself for even giving her the opportunity to mess with my head.
He didn't read one lousy book. no mc or ic. He did nothing to figure out the why or to understand the how. I became his personal therapist. I did all the reading and searching. I felt like he gave me a cancer and then just sat back and watched me die a slow miserable death....all the while he held the cure. the TRUTH . and he refused to let me have it. He doesn't have the canolies to man up and own up to what he has done. Instead he just watches me writhe in pain.
So Now when I try to ask him any questions he tells me "I'm not going back to that". He absolutely refuses to talk about the details of the A. He tries to make it as if it is too painful for him to talk about it and he doesn't want to re live it
I try to tell him that I need answers so that I can move on. I need the truth so when I face a trigger I can tackle it head on. He just doesn't budge.
It has been almost 5 years now. I think he lied so much that he can't go back and answer questions since he doesn't remember what he even lied about. He knows that every answer he has given me is burned into my memory. Only problem is he can't remember what fake answer he already given me.
Do you really think it is too painful for him to talk about? Or is this just another load of bull? His way of protecting his lies ? Or am I being insensitive to ask him to go back when he just wants to forget it?
I hate this. Sometimes I just feel so tired of it all.