One of the keys, I believe, to processing through this is for both husband and wife to mature past the child-like emotional state that we are born with.
I am not here to run your fWS down. I am here to say that at 13 months out I have come to realize that I was that emotional child....even though I was 42. Not in every aspect of life...in fact, in just a few aspects. That is why it can be confusing. How can a man oversee a 2.2 million dollar budget, remain calm during major crisis at work, and then be so torn up about my wifes adultery? It is a question that has spurred an interesting journey in me....
Just because our bodies mature it does not mean our minds mature.
I have this theory that FOO issues effectively stop our emotional growth, in what ever area we developed those coping mechanisms, at the age in which they were set.
In my case my fear of abandonment was set at age 12...when my parents went from being married to divorced, and my Dad disappeared basically over night.
FOO issues or not....emotional maturity takes work. It doesn't just happen.
Much of this year has been dreadful....but each day is less dreadful now.
I am not sure if it is because the actual trauma of DD is further behind me OR that I am emotionally maturing. The facts of my marriage have not changed, but I see them in a different light now.
While my confidence is shaken on many levels....I am confident my reaction to my wifes A would be much different if it would happen tomorrow.
It is most likely a combination of both time and maturity.
Point is....it takes two mature people to process through this. If one refuses and continues to operate in a child-like state...I just don't see how that will work. That would be a parent-child relationship....not a marital relationship.
God be with us all.