But I believe he did suffer and still does, mentally, because he occassionally shows a conscience and no matter how much time passes, he will have to always live with what he did, R or not, he carries a sad burden, of course, all of his own making, so it should be.
I stayed because of my vows, our three children, and a (then) HB which I mistook for (my) love. It's been a long, long, tiring ride.
Luckily I don't live anywhere near the whore and I'm sorry you have to see that 'thing' daily, it must be a constant reminder of hell. That is the only thing I can think of that would have made me want to sell our home and move to a new place. But like you said, what if there too...now I don't worry about that, there won't be another chance. Ever.
Anyway. Decision was made
Give me a couple of years and I will tell you if it was the right call
"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
In the abstract, I think the idea was brilliant; I had not found SI at the time and knew nothing about the 180. The X was like your WH; he didn't want a D-he wanted a wife and a girlfriend. In the end, he made the decision for me because he wouldn't give her up. His compulsion to be part of the 'in crowd' was more important than our M. But I stayed WAY too long.
After trying for nearly a year I have decided to file for divorce. I've posted more fully on the divorce forum.
But at the heart of it is the fact that he lied and cheated until he was caught. I was crying and begging him to tell me what was wrong in our marriage but still he carried on. I just cannot get past that.
Now he says I am the most important thing in his life but really he is the most important thing in his life. I don't love or respect him any more. I feel weighed down and miserable. Even knowing I am making he call to the attorney tomorrow has given me a new energy.
There were just too many lies, to much betrayal.
Because leaving him would not heal the big, gaping wound I have. I would feel terrible about it whether I stayed or left.
Because, honestly, we get along great and enjoy spending time together. Because my kids love him.
That's not to say that I don't sometimes look at him with anger and disgust, or that when I see him in his charming social mode I don't sometimes want to wallop him. But I do feel there's a good chance that we might be able to make something good of this.
Sometimes I do wonder how important fear is, of course. Divorce is a huge, disruptive step, and I am scared of it. And, let's face it... I'm 49. Not very likely I'd have another relationship (although, who knows?). Anyway, these thoughts certainly percolate in my mind and I discuss them with my IC. On balance, though, I think I'm driven more by hope than fear.
I have a remorseful husband but one I will never trust.
In our case I needed him to stay with me as much as possible so being forced to kick him out would have been terrible in my situation.
[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]
Sadly, he is pushing me off the fence and he will face his consequences, because I will be gone. Had I kicked him out on d-day (actually, I tried, he wouldn't go) and we separated for a few months I also agree DD2 and DD3 would not have happened, and his less than motivated attitude towards rolling up his sleeves to get to R would be quite different.
I HATE THIS.
* I didn't want to leave for financial reasons. I knew that I couldn't make it on my own financially with three children. So I lived with feeling like a prostitute, which is how he treated me anyway.
Repeat after me, NatureGirl:
"I am a Domestic Engineer."
No reason in the world to feel that way.
I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.
A bit of what katieisfree said, but with my own twist.
I stayed because I did not want the MOW to win.
Now I feel she did because I have been suffering with severe PTSD, a living hell for 8+ years despite therapy, medication and EMDR.
I have tried to take charge of my life and learn to do things for me.
^^^Sometimes successful, many times not. Pretty much all PTSD related.
I have a VERY remorseful husband (who chose to TT me for YEARS). More concern about protecting himself than showing me I was worthy of the truth.
Bingo. I could have never lived a comfortable lifestyle being divorced. After 35 years of marriage, don't want to deal with financial struggles.
I think part of my issue is that prior to his A, he was always #1, putting his own selfish needs above mine and the kids. The A was just another slap in the face.
I know WH would never, ever go down this path again. BUT...I have payed too high a price for not only his A, but the torture he put me through for several years. I personally believe had he told me the truth up front, PTSD would be a non-issue.
Had it not been for my children, I would have gotten out of dodge in a heartbeat.
I cannot fathom what you must feel like having to see OW almost daily. I don't blame you for not wanting to move away from your family and friends, they are the rock that gives you sanity.
[This message edited by annb at 3:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]
There are many here that believe the A ultimately improved their marriage, but I don't feel that way. It was a good marriage before and it's a good marriage now but not a better one. For every small thing that improved, more good was lost.
I got TT and a couple of broken NCs but I was afraid back then that if I kicked him out he would never return. And I still believe that. Not because I don't believe he would have regretted it but because he needed to see me fight for him. He at the time, in his irrational WW thinking, didn't think I loved him. Kicking him out would have validated that in his mind. By the time he would have realized the grass wasn't greener with OW I might not have been willing to take him back, due to pride. And that would have been unfortunate because we are good together.
I told him once, about 5 or 6 months in, in the height of my anger phase, that whether the marriage survived or not, that I was glad I'd not kicked him out, even if it was only to keep her from getting him. He replied back (with scornful venom, I might add), "Vengeful much?" Then I explained it wasn't because I had to win. It was because I loved him and despite what he had done, he deserved better than her. He didn't quite know how to respond to that.
He never wanted to lose me, even tho he stupidly risked doing just that. It took him a while to get over OW completely but not only did he, but he came to appreciate me more than ever. We don't talk about the A much anymore but it is there. He still sees my hurt and I still see his remorse. I feel it in the way he touches me now, almost with a reverence at times.
Our children were already grown when H's A took place. I had a job I loved and would have had decent enough financial stability, family, even friends.....I gave all that up to move and start a new life with my H, far, far away from the A. He is the one constant in my life that I cling to above all else.
I have had many doubts, but I have no regret. He is a flawed man, that is for certain, but I still love him and he has been very worth it. That's why I stay.
I think to see the wayward's point of view, here's the reasons my xWH gave me as to why he's staying in the marriage. I asked him to write it then. It was a sort of guide for him whenever he's having a tough time. This feels very very intimate for me to share this but I thought it's worth doing it here for all of you.
1. You truely are my better half in all ways
2. I have loved you since the first time I told you so many years ago, that has never changed
3. With you I feel that many things are possible.
4. Without you I dont think I can succeed in life, yet alone live it.
5. You are the mother of our child
6. I need to have you in my life for me to prove to you that I am capable of finishing what I started.
7. I need to learn how to not be selfish and there is no one else I would rather learn that for than by practicing it with and on you.
8.We have had dreams since years before we married, I want to see all those dreams become reality.
9. My feeling of self is directly tied to this marriage union.
10. Who else is willing take care of me when I'm xxxxxx me?
We usually bring this both up during the early years of R. 6 years now and 1 more child later, we have a stronger marriage. It was worth the pain and suffering we both went through.
I just want to share this to let waywards and betrayed both know that it is possible to understand each other and have a good R so long as you're both willing to do the work.
True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.
Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.
I think some people stay because if they DO leave later, they want to know they did everything possible to save the M. The path of 'least regret'.
For me, I told STBX that the marriage we had is dead. If he wants me back, he's going to have to start from scratch and win me over. I'm not sure that'll ever happen, and I won't put my life on hold while he gets his act together. But I have learned to 'never say never', because I thought he'd 'never' cheat.
Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.