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User Topic: Why do choose to stay with a cheater?
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Member # 6449
Default  Posted: 9:50 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((Ticked off)))), I'm 8 years out and often have many of the same thoughts as you do. I wish I had 'thrown him to the wolves' just like he did me and our three children. But I'm not hateful, cruel, and thoughtless like him. He went from the pitiful A right back into a "safe marriage". (His words.) Lucky him to be allowed back in. But two years with a demanding, controlling whore was more than he could take and he often 'thanks' me for taking him back.

But I believe he did suffer and still does, mentally, because he occassionally shows a conscience and no matter how much time passes, he will have to always live with what he did, R or not, he carries a sad burden, of course, all of his own making, so it should be.

I stayed because of my vows, our three children, and a (then) HB which I mistook for (my) love. It's been a long, long, tiring ride.

Luckily I don't live anywhere near the whore and I'm sorry you have to see that 'thing' daily, it must be a constant reminder of hell. That is the only thing I can think of that would have made me want to sell our home and move to a new place. But like you said, what if there I don't worry about that, there won't be another chance. Ever.

~~"You can't run away from yourself"!!! Me to my H when he descended into adultery insanity.
~~Prov.15:13 "By sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken"
~~"The day breaks-your mind aches"

Posts: 9756 | Registered: Feb 2005 | From: Texas
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Member # 31229
Default  Posted: 11:14 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hesitate to say this, because I truly would not want to offend someone in R, but the further out I am, the more I think there is just no reason to stay that could be more overwhelming than the heinousness and ugliness of what they did. I just find it unforgivable and honestly, for me, any amount if work they did to get to the bottom of it would ever make it worth it to me. Granted, my husband is a major douche anyway, but then it seems like its not so far out if character for him to have an A. If he'd actually been a "good husband" maybe I'd feel different.

Status: divorcing - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!

Posts: 1249 | Registered: Feb 2011
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Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is the million dollar question for me and I'm still trying to figure it out. I'm not sure it's going to be worth the pot of gold in the end either. Right now it feels like fools gold.

BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
♀ Member
Member # 40674
Default  Posted: 3:08 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why didn't I throw him out?
Good question
What he deserved and expected
Because I was devastated enough and didn't see why I should have to face all the fallout with the kids. Because I didn't want him going to her
Because I'm insecure and stupid
Because I think he would self destruct

Anyway. Decision was made
Give me a couple of years and I will tell you if it was the right call

Me BS, 41
Him WS, 45
EA and PA (PA for 11 months)
DDay 13/9/13
3 children - 15,12,3
WS has bipolar, no excuse...

"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."

Posts: 421 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Ireland
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Member # 40699
Default  Posted: 5:52 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nature_Girl-Every single reason you listed is why I have a hard time letting go. Especially the financial one. Also, I took my vows very seriously. I waited 29 years to get married and I have such a hard time admitting after waiting all that time it couldn't even last one year. But then I think if we are already at this point, where he isn't getting the attention he needs, and seeking attention from other women then where are we going to be in 10 years from now? What will he do when things really slow down or we go through a rough patch as all marriages do? As far as I knew we were still "happy" and in the honeymoon phase but I was dead wrong.

Me BS 31
Him WS 34 Trying4change
Together 3 years, married for one
D-day: 07/23/13 cybersex with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out he met and kissed a "friend" in 2011
"A clear and innocent conscience fears nothing."

Posts: 935 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
Sad in AZ
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Member # 24239
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When I revealed the X's A to his sister & BIL, they offered me the opportunity to come stay with them incognito. In my BIL's words, I needed to 'tie a knot in his tail' and let him know what life would be like without me. The only problem was that I had a good job that I loved and would not have been able to leave temporarily--and I needed to work.

In the abstract, I think the idea was brilliant; I had not found SI at the time and knew nothing about the 180. The X was like your WH; he didn't want a D-he wanted a wife and a girlfriend. In the end, he made the decision for me because he wouldn't give her up. His compulsion to be part of the 'in crowd' was more important than our M. But I stayed WAY too long.

I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.

Posts: 20292 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: Upstate NY
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Member # 37895
Default  Posted: 7:17 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for this topic! This is perfect for me and I have got so much from the answers.

After trying for nearly a year I have decided to file for divorce. I've posted more fully on the divorce forum.

But at the heart of it is the fact that he lied and cheated until he was caught. I was crying and begging him to tell me what was wrong in our marriage but still he carried on. I just cannot get past that.

Now he says I am the most important thing in his life but really he is the most important thing in his life. I don't love or respect him any more. I feel weighed down and miserable. Even knowing I am making he call to the attorney tomorrow has given me a new energy.

There were just too many lies, to much betrayal.

Jemima Puddleduck is a trusting soul....
DD 1 Dec 2012; Divorced 11/13; 2 children
Me: BS (47) Him: WH (52) Her: 3 PA's
Ex bought a house, The Money Pit With Mold That Will Never Be Finished. He's living in the basement.

Posts: 726 | Registered: Dec 2012
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Member # 36519
Default  Posted: 8:08 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why did I stay? Because my WH confessed, went through a few days of indecision, and then ended the A and committed to R. Because my WH was always kind and affectionate to me, even throughout the A. Because he never blame shifted or impled that I was in any way responsible for his A. Because he changed jobs to be away from the AP. BecUse he's really, finally, ENGAGING in his IC and MC.

Because leaving him would not heal the big, gaping wound I have. I would feel terrible about it whether I stayed or left.

Because, honestly, we get along great and enjoy spending time together. Because my kids love him.

That's not to say that I don't sometimes look at him with anger and disgust, or that when I see him in his charming social mode I don't sometimes want to wallop him. But I do feel there's a good chance that we might be able to make something good of this.

Sometimes I do wonder how important fear is, of course. Divorce is a huge, disruptive step, and I am scared of it. And, let's face it... I'm 49. Not very likely I'd have another relationship (although, who knows?). Anyway, these thoughts certainly percolate in my mind and I discuss them with my IC. On balance, though, I think I'm driven more by hope than fear.

BS (me): 50
WS: 50
Married: 26 yrs
Kids: 2
OW: Co-worker, 7 yr LTA
DD 8/1/2012, Working on R

Posts: 1061 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 22930
Default  Posted: 12:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because I did not want the MOW to win. Now I feel she did because I have been so miserable. I have to take charge of my life and learn to do things for me.

I have a remorseful husband but one I will never trust.

DD 6/6/08
Sep 5/8/08
R 16/12/08

Posts: 485 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Australia
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Member # 8291
Default  Posted: 5:46 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"Katieisfree".......Exactly. I too have a remorseful h (or somewhat anyway) but the trust and respect will NEVER be there again. Not ever.

Posts: 2465 | Registered: Sep 2005
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Member # 40032
Default  Posted: 5:53 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I stayed because my fWH was very remorseful and we both still loved each other. He has only cheated once and welcomed NC with OW wholeheartedly. He has been a good husband and father except for this so I sincerely felt he deserved a chance to redeem himself.

In our case I needed him to stay with me as much as possible so being forced to kick him out would have been terrible in my situation.

[This message edited by whattheh at 5:55 PM, October 24th (Thursday)]

BW- mid 50's (me)
fWH-late 50's
M 33 T 35
DD-Early 2013 PA 2010
In R but I have PTSD...

Posts: 569 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
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Member # 39670
Default  Posted: 5:57 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm still not sure if I'm staying or leaving but I'm leaning towards the latter. WH has had NO consequences other than the little time he spends at home is rocky. His work life is great, he's coaching my daughter's softball team and everyone thinks he's the BEES EFFING KNEES!! Like a SUPER EFFING HERO. He even gets to see OW every day at work and continue a friendship, as not to "raise any eyebrows" at work.

Sadly, he is pushing me off the fence and he will face his consequences, because I will be gone. Had I kicked him out on d-day (actually, I tried, he wouldn't go) and we separated for a few months I also agree DD2 and DD3 would not have happened, and his less than motivated attitude towards rolling up his sleeves to get to R would be quite different.


Me, BW forty something, DD & DS,
Married to WH (49) 11 years, together 16
D-Day 6.8.13

Posts: 620 | Registered: Jun 2013
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Member # 37575
Default  Posted: 5:59 PM, October 24th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just have to say real quick, so glad to hear that they have a crappy harley!
At least there is that......!
I hear you loud and clear, I wonder too. It's just so exhausting and hard.
Staying by the family and grandkids is a big factor, they grow quick.
I am just sorry you have to see her sorry A$$ sometimes!

Me: BW-54. Him-FWH 54. DDay June 1st 2012 cheating with prostitutes overseas
"Not everything that counts is counted. Not everything that is counted counts." Albert Einstein

Posts: 490 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Out West
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Member # 36474
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

* I didn't want to leave for financial reasons. I knew that I couldn't make it on my own financially with three children. So I lived with feeling like a prostitute, which is how he treated me anyway.

Repeat after me, NatureGirl:

"I am a Domestic Engineer."


No reason in the world to feel that way.

Scorched earth-Like Peter the Great, he burns up his own territory in order to gain the upper hand while his own people suffer.

I don't need you to be happy. I just need you to leave me alone when I am.

Posts: 442 | Registered: Aug 2012
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Member # 22386
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, TICKED OFF, as you know 8 years out here as well.

A bit of what katieisfree said, but with my own twist.

I stayed because I did not want the MOW to win.


Now I feel she did because I have been suffering with severe PTSD, a living hell for 8+ years despite therapy, medication and EMDR.


I have tried to take charge of my life and learn to do things for me.

^^^Sometimes successful, many times not. Pretty much all PTSD related.

I have a VERY remorseful husband (who chose to TT me for YEARS). More concern about protecting himself than showing me I was worthy of the truth.



Bingo. I could have never lived a comfortable lifestyle being divorced. After 35 years of marriage, don't want to deal with financial struggles.

The children


I think part of my issue is that prior to his A, he was always #1, putting his own selfish needs above mine and the kids. The A was just another slap in the face.

I know WH would never, ever go down this path again. BUT...I have payed too high a price for not only his A, but the torture he put me through for several years. I personally believe had he told me the truth up front, PTSD would be a non-issue.

Had it not been for my children, I would have gotten out of dodge in a heartbeat.

I cannot fathom what you must feel like having to see OW almost daily. I don't blame you for not wanting to move away from your family and friends, they are the rock that gives you sanity.


[This message edited by annb at 3:25 PM, October 25th (Friday)]

Posts: 7593 | Registered: Jan 2009 | From: Northeast
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Member # 16652
Default  Posted: 3:42 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I thought he was worth it on dday, 7 yrs ago, and I still think he is worth it. Not that R wasn't incredibly long and painful.

There are many here that believe the A ultimately improved their marriage, but I don't feel that way. It was a good marriage before and it's a good marriage now but not a better one. For every small thing that improved, more good was lost.

I got TT and a couple of broken NCs but I was afraid back then that if I kicked him out he would never return. And I still believe that. Not because I don't believe he would have regretted it but because he needed to see me fight for him. He at the time, in his irrational WW thinking, didn't think I loved him. Kicking him out would have validated that in his mind. By the time he would have realized the grass wasn't greener with OW I might not have been willing to take him back, due to pride. And that would have been unfortunate because we are good together.

I told him once, about 5 or 6 months in, in the height of my anger phase, that whether the marriage survived or not, that I was glad I'd not kicked him out, even if it was only to keep her from getting him. He replied back (with scornful venom, I might add), "Vengeful much?" Then I explained it wasn't because I had to win. It was because I loved him and despite what he had done, he deserved better than her. He didn't quite know how to respond to that.

He never wanted to lose me, even tho he stupidly risked doing just that. It took him a while to get over OW completely but not only did he, but he came to appreciate me more than ever. We don't talk about the A much anymore but it is there. He still sees my hurt and I still see his remorse. I feel it in the way he touches me now, almost with a reverence at times.

Our children were already grown when H's A took place. I had a job I loved and would have had decent enough financial stability, family, even friends.....I gave all that up to move and start a new life with my H, far, far away from the A. He is the one constant in my life that I cling to above all else.

I have had many doubts, but I have no regret. He is a flawed man, that is for certain, but I still love him and he has been very worth it. That's why I stay.

It's not really a fairy tale 'till the witch is deposed and a few dragons are slain

Posts: 1787 | Registered: Oct 2007
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Member # 18814
Default  Posted: 4:11 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why? for almost the same reasons that my cheater chose to work on himself and stay with me. I was lucky as that I didn't need to kick my XWH off the curb to learn the whole truth, he told me all in a span of a couple of weeks. I think the separation would've been more beneficial for me but would've been so damaging for him. Everyone is different, every couple is unique. We all have similarities but in the end to each their own.

I think to see the wayward's point of view, here's the reasons my xWH gave me as to why he's staying in the marriage. I asked him to write it then. It was a sort of guide for him whenever he's having a tough time. This feels very very intimate for me to share this but I thought it's worth doing it here for all of you.

1. You truely are my better half in all ways

2. I have loved you since the first time I told you so many years ago, that has never changed

3. With you I feel that many things are possible.

4. Without you I dont think I can succeed in life, yet alone live it.

5. You are the mother of our child

6. I need to have you in my life for me to prove to you that I am capable of finishing what I started.

7. I need to learn how to not be selfish and there is no one else I would rather learn that for than by practicing it with and on you.

8.We have had dreams since years before we married, I want to see all those dreams become reality.

9. My feeling of self is directly tied to this marriage union.

10. Who else is willing take care of me when I'm xxxxxx me?

We usually bring this both up during the early years of R. 6 years now and 1 more child later, we have a stronger marriage. It was worth the pain and suffering we both went through.

I just want to share this to let waywards and betrayed both know that it is possible to understand each other and have a good R so long as you're both willing to do the work.

Love is a choice.

True love is harder to come by than soul mates. True love requires work.

Ignorance can be cured with knowledge. There is no cure for being an idiot.

Posts: 927 | Registered: Mar 2008
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Default  Posted: 4:34 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I ask myself this question on a regular basis. I am here because I cannot support myself and my son on my current income. I am trying like hell to change this. I have lived through too many D days and too many OC s. I am not proud that I am still here but it is what it is...I am also kicking myself for not doing things differently after the first time

D-Day: Too many I lost count
OC born Jan 09
"If happy ever did exist, I would still be holding you like this, all those fairy tales are full of shit, one more fucking love song I'll be sick" -Maroon 5

Posts: 1337 | Registered: Feb 2009 | From: Somewhere I never wanted to be
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Default  Posted: 4:40 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I chose not to stay with my cheater, and I have had 2nd, 3rd, and 4th thoughts about this.

I think some people stay because if they DO leave later, they want to know they did everything possible to save the M. The path of 'least regret'.

For me, I told STBX that the marriage we had is dead. If he wants me back, he's going to have to start from scratch and win me over. I'm not sure that'll ever happen, and I won't put my life on hold while he gets his act together. But I have learned to 'never say never', because I thought he'd 'never' cheat.

Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.

Posts: 1866 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
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Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, October 25th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just over 3 years from dday 1 & I keep finding out about other women. I ask myself why - deep down I know it's over but im just worried about being lonely. I'm also concerned about the effect on my son (he has just started at university).

Posts: 77 | Registered: Sep 2010 | From: SE England, UK
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