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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Need Help
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Stop  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Iím not sure if I should post on here or not. One of my major flaws that I have recently noticed is that I am a people pleaser. I follow other peopleís directions, and I fit into the crowd. This has been a major cause of how I broke my boundaries. There is this part of me that believes and knows what is right, and then there is another part of me that goes out and just does whatever is around me (smoked pot, had affairs, looked at pornography). Iíll admit, when I have posted in the past I was trying to gain acceptance from other WSís and I wanted some pats on the back, when I didnít get that I stopped posting. I also only posted on here in the past when things got bad. Things are bad now, and I am posting again but I really want some help. I have manipulated and lied to my bs since dday over 6 months ago. Iíve spun a web of lies that some things I have forgotten, and some things Iím not even sure why I lied about. Ultimately all of these lies about surrounding details of the affair and new things post affair has damaged the recovery tremendously. I honestly hate the affairs.. But why couldnít I just be honest completely about it? I lied thinking that I was protecting her from all the details, but when I lied I was just doing more good than harm. I want to change. Iíve put off going to counseling for a while. I even told my BS that she was the one that needed counseling because she had a traumatic event, not me. I told her I was sorry that I cheated, promised I wouldnít do it again and that was it. How could I be so unaware of the person I was and how much I was hurting her from the lies. We did several sessions of MC and even then I wasnít authentic and lying about what I considered ďsmallĒ details of the affairs. These ďsmallĒ details now haunt me. I could have been honest, I could have been truthful about everything. I could have helped recover better. How could I have become so twisted from the person I want to be, and the person that I am today? Today I went for the first time to an IC. He hasnít had time to speak or really challenge me yet, since today I was just going off on everything that has happened how I have become this person that I donít want to be.
I understand that wanting to change/saying I am changing, is completely different from really changing. What is it that some of you other WSís did to really evaluate yourself and become a different, better person?

I'm tired of hurting my BS. I am tired of lying. Part of me thinks I can never rebuild all the trust issues that I have broken, but I want to desperately. I don't know who I am, but I know what I want to be.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 3:45 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, you really can't change the fact that you've lied so much. The only thing you can change is your behavior from this moment forward. I think IC is a good start... as long as you are 100% honest with your IC, that is.

Another good place to start is by asking yourself questions. Once you have answered that first question, then ask yourself why that was the answer to that question. Keep going until you get down a good five levels at least. That's one way to start "digging deep".

One place to start might be: why do you lie?

Remember... actions, not words. Consistent actions over time. Authenticity, and honesty with yourself. Keep practicing these things on a minutely basis. Good luck to you.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 3:46 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 6246 | Registered: Dec 2010
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 4:10 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for the question and digging deeper.

1. Why do I lie?
To gain acceptance or make myself seem better than I am?

2. Why do I want to make myself seem better or gain acceptance?

Honestly, I am already stuck. I guess I have this need to feel like I am this amazing person so I lie to others to fit in or be respected. Perhaps I lie because I just don't like the person I am, so I do it to seem like I am that person.

Essentially, I lie to myself.

Thank you for the question. I will keep digging.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
20WrongsVs1
♀ Member
Member # 39000
Default  Posted: 7:30 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

changed life, it sounds as though you recently had a revelation. Any idea what spurred it?

As cliche as it may sound, in IC you'll probably dig into your FOO and find out how they fucked you up in childhood. That's supposed to be funny, kinda, but my guess is you had a parent (mom probably) who was distant or unavailable. That's where the whole seeking to gain acceptance comes from. Wild guess, I could be way off, it's just an example anyway.

A book I'm reading now is "How we love" by Yerkovich. The authors hypothesize that our unhealthy emotional attachments stem from our childhood, and they characterize several styles. One is the pleaser.

The fact that you're able to openly admit that you've been lying shows that you're ready to really change. Good! Change is very hard, you've probably been lying and manipulating for so long, it'll be a hard habit to break. Do your best, realize that you won't be perfect right away, and when you stumble, you apologize, get up, and keep going.

Best of luck on your journey.

Do you want to share why things are going badly right now?


fWW: 42
BH: 52
Sweet DS & fierce DD, under 10
"Between stimulus and response thereís a space, in that space lies our power to choose our response, in our response lies our growth and our freedom." V. Frankl

Posts: 1045 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Redneck land
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 7:55 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As cliche as it may sound, in IC you'll probably dig into your FOO and find out how they fucked you up in childhood. That's supposed to be funny, kinda, but my guess is you had a parent (mom probably) who was distant or unavailable. That's where the whole seeking to gain acceptance comes from. Wild guess, I could be way off, it's just an example anyway

I have a feeling that will be the topic of a lot of discussions. My parents marriage wasn't the best example of how a healthy marriage should be. It wasn't the worst out there, but I certainly didn't pick up any good qualities from it.

Do you want to share why things are going badly right now?

My BS and I have had some ups and downs. When we spend time together I try to be real attentive to her needs. However during our time apart I haven't been really evaluating myself and all the qualities that lead to the affair.

I'm not good on sharing intimate details yet but I will try.

She posts on the forums also, and you've read them I am sure.

I tickle truthed her until it was just too much. I thought that once all the major stuff was out there it was ok. But I never confessed previous lies to her and gave her all the details. I even lied on my timelines. I made new lies after the affair to make it seem like I was doing more work. I lied to her to make her think I was changing. I gave her the words she wanted to here, but I never really gave her the full truth with all the details. I was worried it would destroy the relationship.
She asked me for the truth on a few things last week, and I started rattling off a lot of things she wasn't expecting. In the process I made up a new lie about one of the lies I previously told her. I immediately felt bad about it, but I didn't man up and quickly correct myself. I wanted to be truthful that day and then when another lie came out...I couldn't make myself fix it. I was scared of making things worse...and ultimately I did just that.

I was feeding these partial truths to her and she realized it. She decided she wanted some space to work on herself and me work on myself.

I was crushed, went home and I've been trying ever since to think of every lie I've told her.

I'm sorry if I am vague. One of the things that I have realized is that I was never encouraged to express feelings when growing up in my family. I'm reading through NVC trying to work on this and give more details.

I want to be real, I want to be authentic, I want to be truthful. I want to have a real meaningful relationship and future marriage. I can see where the lies have destroyed my life and made me become somebody I don't want to be.

I want to do it to be a better person and a partner for her. But even if we don't work things out I need to do this for myself so I don't end up down the same unhappy road in the future. I need to fix myself so I don't have more broken relationships.

I think I have a long road ahead of me

[This message edited by changedlife at 8:00 PM, October 5th (Saturday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
Steppenwolf
♂ Member
Member # 38140
Default  Posted: 9:21 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was there in January. It gets better if you work it. You sound like you are ready to start. I remember writing down every lie I could remember telling my wife; it took a couple of emails I believe. I realize now that it helped me more than it probably helped her. I felt like I took and emotional shower.
IC helped me get in the habit of telling truths instead of lies. It still helps and with so much more, but in the early days i remember just spewing verbal diarrhea. When you hear yourself saying these things out loud instead of in the dark corners of your head, something clicks. Hopefully.


Me: WS- 30s
Her: BS- 30s RockyMtn



Posts: 126 | Registered: Jan 2013
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, October 5th (Saturday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember writing down every lie I could remember telling my wife; it took a couple of emails I believe. I realize now that it helped me more than it probably helped her. I felt like I took and emotional shower.

That is where I am now. I am writing them all down. I feel better for myself every-time I think of something. But I'm also imagining how it is making her feel to see them all. All the truth hurts and for so long I've wanted to hide it all from her. I just have to man up, accept the consequences, be truthful, and try to change.


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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