I remember these days as if they are burned into my brain. I didn't know my life had changed. I didn't know yet that he was gone.
On this day we went to his cousins birthday celebration. Family that I was meeting for the first time. I remember feeling ashamed, ashamed of myself, I had gained weight. I felt the distance from h, I felt it and blamed myself. I blamed myself because I thought he was embarrassed to claim me as his wife. I just didn't know that it wasn't me, it was him, he was obsessed with a new "love".
He wasn't ashamed of me, he was oblivious of me. I was in the way, intruding, I just didn't know yet.
We met a family friend, a sweet retired teacher. Maybe in her 70's? We talked for a long time, I exchanged emails with her.
I took a picture of her and h together. This is one of the pictures that h sent to ow. This is one of the pictures that I saw on dday. This picture with the caption, "here is your replacement" ha ha very funny, h is so f'ing clever.
I saw this picture, "your replacement", my brain screamed, my heart pounded, my world shifted. Her replacement??? Who is my replacement??? I didn't know I had been replaced???
This is the day that picture was taken. This is the day I took that picture, so innocently.
This is also the day of other pictures. We were walking in a park along the ocean. Surprisingly, I can't remember the name of the town, thankfully, a name that won't trigger me, unless I remember it, I so hope that I don't.
He was walking, towards me, not looking at me, I was looking at him, how sweet I thought he looked, my husband, the love that would come up in me with those words, "my husband". I took his picture, without him knowing. He was texting her. How could I not have thought something was strange? Why did I not question, "who are you texting now?" How could I have been so blind, so trusting.
After dday as soon as I looked at that picture of him, I knew. Another blow. The expression on his face, the intensity. A look a wife should never see on her husbands face when it is not for her.
This is the day, one year ago. I was on the path to abandonment and I was clueless, unprepared, innocent.
Now, looking back at how he was behaving on that trip, it breaks my heart. I was not happy there, it was a huge disappointment. I was so looking forward to the time together, such high hopes. I didn't care where we went or what we did, I just wanted him to "see" me, treat me like he loved me, I wanted him to be happy.
The worst part is that I watched his mood shifts, so happy, excited, enthusiastic until I spoke, said the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, you know, I could do no right. I just didn't understand why then. Now I understand. I go to watch my husband fall in "love" with some other. I watched the anticipation of the next text, the next call, the excitement was for her and I get to have the memories of watching my husbands infatuation for someone new.
It makes me feel like such a fool. It feels so humiliating. I was so trusting, I was being his wife, I was just being normal. He didn't want me there, he just didn't want me at all, I was in the way, a burden and I didn't know.
How could he text her, talk to her
I guess I just cannot fathom how he could have done that with me right there. How could he look me in the eye? How can you shut off any compassion for your wife of 10 years?
I just cannot understand how he could have been so cold and cruel.
This is all eating me up inside. I have been keeping it inside these past several days.
I have been telling myself, it's in the past, it is not the present.
I have not shared with h because I just do not want to risk more pain from him. I do not feel safe expressing this to him.
Last Sunday, we were ready for divorce. He said he could put it on the shelf and move on. Monday, he changed his mind, maybe, I don't trust it yet. Last Sunday he got angry at me for crying. I am not ready to be vulnerable again. The pain of last year is hard enough to live with, I just cannot, do not want to open myself to new pain.
Thank you all,
I need to get this out. I don't know if it will help but I don't know what else to do with it.
It feels as if I am sinking. Moving backwards.
Maybe it's facing that I am still in this alone.
I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. You're not alone, though. Just over a year ago I could do no right either. I remember WBF actually told me at one point that "I haven't been this happy in a long time". I thought to myself-what? you sure as hell don't seem like it when you're with me. Every time I spoke or looked at him he'd get mad at me for something. I had no idea it was someone else that was making him happy. Horrible, just horrible. I also remember all the texts, but he always made up some excuse as to who it was and what they wanted. I never checked. I trusted him. He would never cheat on me. He loved me. Like you, I try to tell myself that it's the past, sometimes it works for a little bit. Lots of times it doesnt.
I'm sorry you can't feel safe with the one person you should be able to. Our R is going ok, but I still don't feel safe with him either. It's so hard to talk about this stuff and work it out when you can't make yourself vulnerable.
I'm so sorry that you have to have a tainted memory of what should have been a wonderful vacation.
Sorry I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just wanted you to know that you are not alone.
I was in the way, intruding, I just didn't know yet.
Totally get this...I was in counseling for anxiety issues...my wife was in the room with me during these sessions...but certainly was not there for me. In fact, she was texting and meeting her AP on those same days.
I remember reading text strings such as....I saw blakesteeles truck home early today, hope you are okay....and....Sorry we didn't meet up as planned, blakesteele popped in unexpectedly........ I had no clue. So I totally get the being in the way feeling.
I also get how an A can taint your vacation. My wifes A officially tainted a long standing, multi-family annual get together....she was in the middle of her A while on that annual trip last summer. I noticed her acting differently, others did too. Never expected adultery...so I tried to do the right thing and give her space, time alone to go for a run, etc.. I get that part of your post too.
I feel your pain through your posts. I know you have a really tough row to hoe right now. I have felt overwhelmed before, and suspect you do now.
You are on a good path. Peace is not always a comfortable happy feeling. You are moving towards a more peaceful state.
God be with you.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 7:20 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]
I was looking at a photo of h and I, taken 3 years ago, it breaks my heart.
I showed it to h, told him that when I look at it now it's as if she is dead. I look so innocent, it's painful to see. It's as if I want to go back and warn her.
Yeah feeling a little crazy. This time of year seems to be harder than I anticipated. Two weeks till dday anti...wish I could just sleep through that one.
I did get brave this morning, with h's coaxing. I told him what today meant to me, my memories of today. He was supportive, compassionate. It's a good sign. It helps me. I know though that after this much time, I need lots, I need consistency, I need, I need, I need...
I feel very selfish, I feel like I am starving, I feel confused, I feel like running, I feel like holding on for dear life.
I think maybe the hardest realization to accept, to see, is that just by loving you are risking yourself. That to love is to be vulnerable, if you are vulnerable, you can be hurt. That if you love, really love someone that gives them a power, the power to hurt you. It is hard to know that the one you love the most, trust the most can cause you the most unimaginable devastation.
Maybe that is the struggle, by becoming vulnerable, admitting love, I am handing over power.
Do I trust him with that power???
It has taken time for the pain to diminish, but it does. The pain you are experiencing does ease with time. You may never want to go to LaJolla, but you may also decide to reclaim it. What ever is best for you is the right thing to do.
Take care of yourself today. Do something for you...have you shared this with your H? That can help. My H is aware of my feelings during our vacation trip. He also knows I would never go back to that location. The sad thing is he doesn't remember it the same way I do....of course not, his head was not there with me.
This day a year from now....it will be a little better. Two years from now...a better yet. Just be gentle with yourself.
Very gently, BSes, including you and me, are really just collateral damage in the A. For most of us, the betrayal isn't aimed at us, and the cruelty is incidental. I still haven't found good words to describe it, though. I'm drafting a post about my own difficulties with this aspect of healing. I think the answer is clear - it's just very difficult to accept, if that makes sense.
He failed, big time. You did not.
Oh - next year you'll feel a lot better.
So sorry you are going through such a tough time right now. I know exactly how it feels to find yourself at the crossroad and trying to decide which path to take. The pain and devastation just never seems to end. Especially if our WS doesn't seem to be inclined to invest 100% to help heal us.
As always, I can totally relate to your posts. I feel your every word in my soul. And it hurts. Hurts like nothing ever could.
The wise sages here say it will get better with time. Experience the hurt. Come to terms with it. Let it pass through you somehow... IDK how to get to this point... I haven't even hit that awful 1 yr antiversary. I just hope everyone is right and that we will find ourselves on a road to peace.
I am thinking of you today, cantaccept. Sending prayers for peace and healing...
in one of this emails to OW, he replaced me with her in his mind. He has written how he wanted to take her to all the places we went to... all the places we lived...all the things we did...except this time he was imagining her in this scenario...ohh and he wanted to have a baby with her too. It makes me sick. Normal people don't think these things. Its just so wrong. You can't replace people with a "better" version...Its these types of things that bother me so much more than any physical contact.