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User Topic: How is this not a deal breaker?
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 2:20 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought it would be a dealbreaker for me... until I was faced with it. On DDay I immediately offered R, which surprised the hell out of him.

He was remorseful and was doing all of the right things (NC the OW, offered to leave his job)... for about three days. Then he started getting defensive and cruel, calling it "honesty." I 180ed.

By week 3 post DDay, I figured out that he had taken the A underground. When I found out, he got verbally and emotionally abusive. Started saying he wanted me to get a sublet, etc.

I NCed him on the spot. I haven't spoken to him since.


I wish to God he hadn't been so unremorseful and forced my hand. The hell of S/D and NCing the man I love and my bestfriend-- and facing that I'm never going to have the life I though I had again, the children I wanted, etc-- it's agony.

Another SIer told me it's like pulling yourself out from the brink of death. I think that's about right.

So I get it if you stayed. In fact, this shit is so hard, I don't know how people leave, short of a case like mine where I refused to be abused.

BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was only engaged on dday. I could have cut and run and no one in my life would have thought less of me - except me. I had committed to this man already. The day I accepted his proposal (probably even before that), I thought of our relationship as a marriage. The vows I said to him on our wedding day were vows I'd already been living to him for months. I don't know how to explain with words what I saw in him on dday. But that image of him is one I will carry forever. He was broken, quite literally. I knew I owed it to myself to give him the chance to prove to me that our relationship was worth it. Sure, it has sucked at times since. But, with every single day that goes by, I know I made the right choice and that even with this crap my life is happier and more fulfilling than it would have been if I had chosen to leave.

Posts: 1114 | Registered: Jan 2013
♀ Member
Member # 40852
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I always thought it would be a deal breaker.

My husband had a ONS. I think the thing that allowed me to give him a second chance is that he started trying to fix things before I found out. He called his sponsor and was attending AA every day. He was better to me than he had been in years - as a husband, as a father.

Maybe I've deluded myself with the details - though I've treated it from DDay as him having sex, because they would have if he could have, but he couldn't. Maybe I'm deluding myself that he can change, but his changed drastically in the past 3 months.

Me: BS
Him: WH ONS/short EA
Married 11 years
Together 15 years
2 children

Posts: 64 | Registered: Oct 2013
Topic Posts: 23
Pages: 1 · 2

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