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User Topic: Feeling jaded about men
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 10:10 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My wh's cheating and porn obsession totally changed my opinion on him and men in general. At least i thought it was him but now i wonder if it's a culmination of things coming to a head.

I used to think there were good guys and bad guys around. But if I chose someone who seemed so good for so many years, who then 'turned bad' how can i be sure anyone is in fact good? The more i think abut it the more i think everyone has this bad in them and that given the right(or more accurately wrong) circumstances anyone can change and become a bad person or do bad things.

My wh cheated and i then found out he was watching porn almost every night. He also sexually assaulted me about a year after dd resulting in me throwing him out for 6 mths and him seeking help. He has not done anything since but i often have sex because i feel i should rather than because i want to. I also do it because it makes me feel important and desired, sometimes i initiate even though i don't really want the sex, i realise how fucked up this sounds.

I found out that my dad cheated on my mum, she told me after i found out about wh, i guess she felt it was useful for me to know at that point (they stayed together for many years after it happened and seemed happy, ideal, i always aspired to have a marriage like theirs).

I had an ex who forced a pill onto me one night (passed it to me whilst kissing and held his hand over my mouth until i swallowed). He took me back to a friends house even though it was only 2 mins further back to his place and i strongly suspect it was a set up so his friend could watch us but i was too young and stupid at the time to realise what was going on (i was 18).

My brother tried to touch me up when i was 10 (he was 16). He got me into my parents bed to play 'mums and dads' and kept running his hand up my leg and i kept pushing him away and trying to divert the 'game' in a different direction. Eventually i left the room and he left me alone. Never came near me again and i've always ignored it and put it down to being a silly in the moment mistake on his part. I look back now and think wtf was i thinking to just ignore it for all these years like it never happened or like he hadn't done anything wrong.

Yesterday it all sort of hit me. All of this together is probably why i feel the way i do. Like no man has any respect for a woman, it's all about sex and getting off. My dad, my brother, my own husband, none of them have been good men when it comes down to it. It was all about the sex or about their power when it came to the crunch.

I don't know where to go from here. I've never told anyone about my brother or the thing my ex boyfriend did. No one knows what my wh did to me apart from the therapists he saw.

Part of me thinks no wonder i feel the way i feel about men now and the other part of me feels like i'm being stupid and over reacting.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has not done anything since but i often have sex because i feel i should rather than because i want to. I also do it because it makes me feel important and desired, sometimes i initiate even though i don't really want the sex, i realise how fucked up this sounds.

That does not sound fucked up to me, especially considering everything that you've been through. I'm the same way. I have realized that I have sex now just to prove to myself that I turn my wBF on, rather than because I actually want it.

And I feel the same way about men right now too. But the thing to realize is that there are also a lot of men on these forums and in the world that are feeling this way about women, and you're a good woman right? Just because a few women cheat does not make all women bad. And the same goes for men too.

But I do understand your feelings. Knowing that rationally and feeling it emotionally is different.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

me feels like i'm being stupid and over reacting.
No, you aren't. You have been assaulted/molested several times. I feel it is a quite normal reaction you are having.

Have you been to IC? I really feel you need to see a therapist about this.

I am so sorry. (((HormonalWoman)))

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:22 AM, October 6th (Sunday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HW, I hear you and so sorry for everything you have gone through.

Are you in IC?

I'm feeling much the same at the moment, have had my experience of the bad guys, so for my "very good guy" to turn out to be so much worse was traumatic and shocking.

Have faith, we are good people so that is proof that they are out there.

((hugs))


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The more i think abut it the more i think everyone has this bad in them and that given the right(or more accurately wrong) circumstances anyone can change and become a bad person or do bad things.
I think you've got it. The only thing I would add is that it goes for both men and women.

We all have the capacity for doing good or evil. It is by our own *choice* which path we follow. One doesn't have to continue down one path either. One can *choose* to change and go down the other path.

Hopefully your once good husband, who made the choice to go down the bad path, will choose to get back on the good path and stay there.

(((((HormonalWoman)))))


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the replies. It's a relief to know people understand where i'm coming from.

I totally realise much of what i say can be related to both men and women. I'm just not that jaded about women yet but yes women can also change and make bad decisions/be bad people. I don't want to come across as a total manbasher.

I'm not in ic. How do people do it, emotionally? I'm not sure i could find someone and actually go and then talk as well. I find it very hard to talk about things. I find it easier somewhere like this where no one really knows who i am and it's not face to face.


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 1:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HW, I have no answers to offer as I am struggling with a similar 'line of questioning' as you are, I just wanted to say I share your feelings of jadedness. My father was a serial cheater, he never questioned himself or doubted his entitlment to the life he led. My mother died young and he never showed a sign of regret about the way he treated her. Everything came second to his needs and independence, and after my mother died I was effectively abandoned to myself. I often wondered why on earth he chose to have children. I took me a long time to realise he had a personality disorder, and to get rid of my sense of oppression, discomfort and guilt around him. The sad thing has been to realise just how many people are like him.

I agree that it is in all of us to do bad things, I just can't understand why so many people choose deception over honesty towards a fellow human being. It does not take a superhuman effort to behave decently, does it? I used to have a very egalitarian view of humanity but now I tend to think that some people are better than others. I suppose what I am trying to say is that the way forward for me is a radical rethink of my view of humanity. I am not in IC. I have been in the past but I am not sure it would really help me with what I am going through now. Right now, I probably get more help from SI and from reading about others' experience. However, I do appreciate that many people benefit from therapy and I do not mean to put you off if you think it is the right thing for you.

Wishing you well.


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
StillGoing
♂ Member
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 2:07 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You've been hurt a lot. It's not unreasonable to be wary and suspicious in general.

It's often really, really hard to accept that even though we can rationally understand the way a thing really is, we still often feel another way. For awhile, everything will feel dangerous, even if it isn't. It's okay to feel that way, it isn't stupid and I don't think you are overreacting.

Now if you dress up like Harley Quinn and go out on a misandrist vengeance spree, that would be overracting. Also a little stupid I think but that's a personal bias, I don't like Batman.

Hope you feel better soon.


“Fate is a fickle bitch who dotes on irony.”

Posts: 7431 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not in ic. How do people do it, emotionally? I'm not sure i could find someone and actually go and then talk as well. I find it very hard to talk about things. I find it easier somewhere like this where no one really knows who i am and it's not face to face.

I was really worried about doing IC too, for a lot of reasons. I thought it would be weird to be that open with a stranger. I didn't want to admit the bad parts of myself. And I was worried about things being in my medical records.

But, I hit a really low place in my life and just went. Now, I love going to it every week. It's not nearly as hard to open up to my C as I thought it would be, and I can see that I'm starting to make real changes in my life.

I encourage you to go. If you're honest to your IC, it will help you.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1126 | Registered: Jul 2013
HurtButHopeful?
♀ Member
Member # 25144
Default  Posted: 9:04 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

HW,

I hope I didn't come off sounding like I have it all together. Sometimes I wonder if all males are governed by what is in their pants, not by what is in their soul.

It is just when I can take a few minutes to analyze things that I remember that there are WW and OW too.


Reconciliation means that we both are authentic and vulnerable. I still have my H, and he's a better man than ever!

Posts: 1716 | Registered: Aug 2009
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 4:38 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks for the other replies :)

Thanks lonelygirl that's good to know.

Hurtbuthopeful, you came off fine :)


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 243 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
Topic Posts: 11

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