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Newest Member: Alaska77 (44743)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Give *your* timeline to WS.
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 5:42 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Today is 10 months from D-Day for me. Thought I would share this. Hope it helps

Earlier today someone posted that her H did not want to provide a timeline bc he felt it would do more harm than good.

Tough nuts there buddy. Start writing! Easy for me to say. My H provided one before I even knew to ask. Of course it infuriated me but it provided clarity where there was chaos, helped me stop imagining things and focus on the facts which were truly awful. The timeline and questions that follow help us re-frame our lives during this time.

What I did though was create my own timeline and wrote it directly under his. [bold]I then gave it to him so he could see what was going on in REAL LIFE while he was in the land of "you're so wonderful/no you are!"

It was a real eye opener. At first he could barely read
it.

Example:

Him: Left day early for golf weekend with guys to spend night in hotel with AP.

Me: I took boys to childcare, playgroup, Dr. appoint., and woken up 3x/night only to do it again for 4 more days.

Him: Stayed with her at Jan conference.

Me: Took boy #2 with you on that trip (I guess to lessen guilt) and had my sister take care of him for one night. She was still recovering from radiation treatment.

Him: Saw her often throughout our stay at your parents' house Summer 2010

Me: My parents were hosting us. You were drinking the beer dad bought, eating the dinners mom made and using their car for "client" meetings.

One poster (thanks 3boys!) commented on what a great idea this was so I thought I would share. Maybe it belongs in JFO our General tho?

[This message edited by LA44 at 5:48 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:37 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really like this idea, LA44.

Unfortunately, mine would have to be a lot more vague than yours. It still would put things more in perspective for both of us, though. Many will know exactly what they were doing whilst their WS where elsewhere and I feel this can be very useful to them.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9548 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
AML04
♀ Member
Member # 39682
Default  Posted: 6:43 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a great idea! I love it.

Of course for me, I know the times of his actual events (sex 4 times, oral sex 3) and 3 out of 7 I was home taking care of our son. The other 4 I was working since they did it on their lunch break.

As for all the pics/vids sent? I was probably either in the room (he said he didn't open them then) or watching tv in our bedroom. This is what has me losing it this week. I can't believe he thought so little of me to be able to do this while in our home with me there.


Me-BS Him-WH DS 5/12
T-13 M-9
DDay 5/26/13, TT through 8/13
2.5 yr EA w/co-worker, PA 12/12 to 4/13.
Hopeful for R

Posts: 844 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: MA
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:17 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My H did not remember specific dates (he didn't even realize today was Sunday, so I honestly believe him). But, we made a timeline together. I relayed a real-life event and he could figure out how his A's related to those events (my daughter's appendectomy, our son's bloodwork at 6 months because he wasn't growing at all, etc). He travels quite a lot for work. I used to try and hold down the fort when he was gone with very little detail about when/if I was overwhelmed or frustrated. Now, I share when things are hard here and we help each other through those times when we really wish we were in the same place.

Posts: 1057 | Registered: Jan 2013
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 11:24 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I never did get a time line...pieced one together though emails, texts, and lots of questions to my wife.


If any WS are reading this...please consider doing this. I think it could be nothing but beneficial to both people involved.

My mind filled in the blanks....not the best way to do it....but that is how it goes when you have nothing but your imagination to complete a story you are so strongly affected by.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3613 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 5:16 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I too have mine a timeline an it really helped me. And made it very real for him.
Ours was done verbally. I just started frim when i suspected something was wrong and walked him through myside if each experience up until the day i confinted him.
After about two months (last week) I actually just started at the beginning and read him my posts. I read him some if the replies too. That was very hard for him. BUT it has led us to some really great places.
Not everyone can do this, I know- but my thought was that we are going for complete honesty. I am never more honest than when I post here. And it really gave him a clear view if just what this has done to me.
For now, we are in a really good place. The more we REALLY talk, the more progress we make.
It was important to me that he know everything. For me. What he chooses to do with it us on him. I won't feel ashamed for the way he made me feel.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 38736
Default  Posted: 11:31 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're welcome LA44. I do think this would be an excellent tool for the BS to help the WS understand the difference between their fantasy and real life. I agree that it should be put in either JFO or GEN. In fact, I think it is something that should be added to the guidelines for dealing with and healing from an A. Maybe you should make a suggestion to MangledHeart and/or DeeplyScared to have it added.

3boys

[This message edited by 3boys at 12:10 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


BW-47
FWH-54
M-28yrs
DS-24,DS-20,DS-14,DGS-10mon,DGS-5mon.
MOW-holier-than-thou Christian whore
2 yr EA, 2-3 mon PA
Dday-10/10/2009
R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow! I am flattered. Thank you again 3boys. I will do that.

For now, we are in a really good place. The more we REALLY talk, the more progress we make.

Yes! That is great to read Wondertwin. I am so happy when I hear that people are talking in spite of the pain it causes. We started really talking on Night 3 and I was fully aware that the person who hurt me the most was the one who was going to have to help me repair. The rest was up to me.

And to echo Blake....if any WS are reading this, please just do the timeline. Even if there are many gaps. In the long run, it will help.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
Scubachick
♀ Member
Member # 39906
Default  Posted: 12:49 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Great idea!! I did something similar and I agree, it was a real eye opener for my husband. He didn't make a timeline but I knew what months and sometimes down to what days. I took pictures of what I wrote in my journal during those times and I emailed them to him. I have this wonderful sense of bad timing...As he was at work when I sent them. My journal entries during that time were very hard to read. I wrote a lot about feeling so lonely and wondering why he puts work before me and my son. How he isn't there for us. How I do everything alone. Why am I not enough...etc. The man balled like a baby as he was reading it. He locked himself in his office and called me crying. Employees kept knocking but he couldn't answer.
Another eye opener was when I went through his phone records, I wrote down the amount of time he spent communicating with the OW vs. Me each month. One month he texted the OW 777 times and me only 64. this was a huge eye opener for him. I don't think he realized what little time he did have for me had all been going to her and them some. How little effort he had been putting in to his marriage.

Posts: 643 | Registered: Jul 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 1:46 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was fully aware that the person who hurt me the most was the one who was going to have to help me repair.

Exactly.

And Scuba- The impact of my timeline on him was just as harsh. We were together though and at home when I read my things to him. It took him a few days to "recover" from that- but he was very lovey and huggy while he was processing. A lot of guilt and shame when you lay it out like that. Not taht I want him to feel guilt and shame...but it was necessary for him to understand that it wasn't just "an affair" and "im sorry". This was everything. It wasn't just me at home alone wondering when he'd get off "work". I was still alive and functioning and loving him while he was doing these things with her.
Sorry.
Point is- it was a HUGE step for us. HUGE.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
LA44
♀ Member
Member # 38384
Default  Posted: 2:04 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to t/j my own post...on the subject of Guilt vs. Shame.

I think Guilt is impt to feel. Shame is not. Shame is damaging to the core.

Instead of: I did a terrible thing and I could not regret it more and feel more sorry

vs. Shame's - I am a bad person.

My H is not a bad person.

What he did was terrible. But not who he is. He is not the A.

Wow! That cell phone text log must have hit hard Scuba! I never had access to those things.


Me: 44
He: 47 WH
Married: 15 years
D Day: December 2012
Affair: Fall 2009 - Dec. 2011
R is not linear

Posts: 2228 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Canada, eh
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 3:02 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We did a time line that had two rows. Mine was on top and his was on the bottom. It made him feel horrible when he saw in writing the lunch hour he slept with here, the kids and I were at a store buying his Father's Day gift.

It was powerful to lay it out in this format.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 448 | Registered: Jul 2013
Ambergray
♀ Member
Member # 40778
Default  Posted: 4:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is a great idea. I am going to use this. I think it will be very eye opening for WH to see what was going on with us while he was off having his fun. The A is just so selfish on so many levels.


Me-38
WH-38
Dday June 2013

"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you. Ralph Waldo Emerson


Posts: 87 | Registered: Sep 2013
tryin2havefaith
♀ Member
Member # 37165
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I did write a sort of timeline, once I had all the pieces of the A.

I wrote it novel-style. What I was experiencing, while at the same time what he told me his perceptions were, as well as things that happened with OW. It was actually very helpful for me in my healing. Putting the whole story together in a cohesive way.

He actually asked if he could read it. I did let him. He cried and told me he did not truly realize until that moment the true scope and depth of what I had gone through at his hands. It helped him help me, KWIM. I did ask him if I had details correct, and he said it was so on-target it was scary. It opened a window to him in what I was feeling and felt at various points through this awful journey. (I did change the OW's name as I could not stand to see it written out)But once I wrote it all down, the whole sordid story...I was finally able to 'let it go' and move to my next stage of healing.


ME- BS
HIM- WS
DDay 1/2011
4 - 6 months of TT'ing
Fully R'd
"Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects. " -Dalai Lama

Posts: 265 | Registered: Oct 2012
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have all my photos on my phone and some day I'll develop them. For now I checked the date and time on them and matched them up to his cell phone calls/where he was when he made those calls and sent them to him. EX; pic of daughter's 9th BD party at my brother's house with caption: you were in X city having sex week-end with hobag. I sent him about 30 of these, my 40th, son's birthday, first day of school, cub scout meetings, our anniversary, etc., etc.

Posts: 616 | Registered: Sep 2012
ladya
♀ Member
Member # 29184
Default  Posted: 7:14 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I remember doing the same thing. It was eye opening for him. While he was out messing around with his girlfriend, I was at home taking care of our 5 children and him. It infuriated me to read it and realize I was having "ordinary days" washing his clothes, which he would later dress up for work when he was meeting her for lunch, cooking his meals, he wasn't hungry after going out with her, shuttling kids to and from events, he was working late due to taking extended lunch breaks for his dates...... It was a lengthy timeline but really hit home for him.


Me:BS married 29 yrs.
5 kids

Time really does heal.
EA D-Day May 2008
PA D-Day May 7,2010 (same A)


Posts: 883 | Registered: Jul 2010
sudra
♀ Member
Member # 30143
Default  Posted: 9:20 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never gotten a written timeline either. He was only with her twice (I hope) and so I know those two times.

I wrote out a timeline of their facebook posts and phone records (until they got secret cell phone), and then I matched that to my calendar and facebook posts and put it all together.

For example, the first time he traveled 350 miles on Valentines day to have sex with her, I was home with our son. I would have fixed him dinner, walked the dogs and gone to bed. I also know that I downloaded all of the Jane Austen books onto my Kindle, and I remember being very excited to discover all of the free classics available on Kindle. And I downloaded and read some of a Pride and Prejudice "sequel."

The second time he was with her, I know that when they were having their good bye morning sex, I was in Court at a hearing with a particular client, so I remember that as well.

It's so hard to think that I was going about my business as normal while my entire world was being destroyed. I wish I had the nerve to show this to my husband but it would just make him angry. He's willing to discuss the affair to a certain point but then he says I'm just rubbing his nose in it. Never mind that I live with it every hour of every day. Like my nose isn't rubbed in it!

But I digress...

I think timelines are essential to healing and it helped me even though I had to do it myself.


Me (BW) (54), Him(SAWH) (57)
Married 21 years, 1 son (19), 1 stepdaughter (27)
DDay #1 January 2004
DDay #2 7-27-2010 7 month EA/PA (became "engaged" to OW before he told me he wanted a divorce)
Working on R

Posts: 1457 | Registered: Nov 2010
Topic Posts: 17

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