I asked ex if he would pick up some additional time and he agreed to pick up this next weekend (I have primary custody, he only sees them e/o weekend).
He dropped the kids off tonight, and as I was closing the door...he whispers, "Oh...B (his boyfriend of 18 months...who cheated on him...) and I are thinking about taking the kids to Disney World this weekend, don't tell them b/c I'm not sure yet."
I closed the door in his face and started crying. The kids have never been. We were supposed to take them when we were married, but he was always "too busy". So, I will be sitting at home next weekend, writing papers that I have no interest in writing so I can have a decent job soon, while my exH and his boyfriend share the experience of a lifetime with MY children. I will probably never be able to afford to take them, nor do I have anyone to help me take them. By the time I will, they will be too old to enjoy it. I am going to miss my kids only trip to Disney.
Fucking hate him tonight.
Married: 11 years, no kids
The greater danger for most of us lies not in setting our aim too high and falling short; but in setting our aim too low, and achieving our mark. -Michelangelo
You feel the missed opportunities, and it hurts. What you're doing is trying to be the best person you can be, and be a provider for your children for their while childhood. Improving yourself, for them and for yourself. You only have so much capability at this moment. I'm sure you know you're doing the best you can.
You're grieving the loss of the plan you had for your happy family moment. It didn't happen, and it will never happen the way you originally planned it, with Mommy and Daddy and the kids.
Grief is ok. It's a part of life. Do what you need to grieve.
Bear in mind that the kids will have that fleeting, happy (if somewhat strange) memory of Daddy and his boyfriend at Disney, but they'll have the warmth of you and your love in their everyday life.
When they grow up, they'll hear the expression "Disney Dad", and maybe they'll come to appreciate you all the more.
I know all of this. I know I rock as a Mom and for the most part, I have my life completely pulled together after having the rug pulled out from under me. I've accomplished huge things...but I don't get to do the fun things he can. Because he has no real responsibility for them. He shows up when he feels like it and rushes them off to do the fun things. He has a boyfriend that makes a ton of money and always wanted kids.
The kids are old enough to notice I won't be there, and missing this. They were all snuggles tonight, both came home and asked to snuggle in bed tonight.
I'm happy they will get to go, but aren't I supposed to be there?
The hate is flowing. Gotta turn it off to get through this week. Too much due to get side railed.
Tonight, DS #1 (age 9) says to me, "It seems like every time we're with Dad, he's always buying us something."
He looks at me inquisitively. I nod and say, "Yep."
DS #1 asks, "Why does he do that? I mean, I think it's nice, but..."
I respond, "That's a very good question. Why do you think that he always buys you things?"
DS #1 thinks for a moment and then responds: "Is it because he wants us to like him?"
BINGO! What I really said was something more like, "Well, sometimes people buy you things because they want you to enjoy being with them, and they think that buying you things will accomplish that."
DS #1 said, "Well, I'm still disappointed in him for what he did." DS #2 chimes in that he is also still "disappointed in Dad."
I've been feeling the same way that you do and posting lately about how all this family-oriented hoopla goes on with XWH and his Owife and how I resent it because it's completely contrary to his character when he was with me. Every weekend is fun, involves a family-oriented outing, purchases of candy/gifts, etc. The kids lap a lot of it up, and I feel sad because I can't provide a lot of those things either since I'd rather, you know, be responsible and be able to pay the bills and all?
Anyway, my point is: My kids ARE figuring it out. Just when I think that he'll buy their love or allegiance in some way, my eldest says something that tells me that he's getting what is really going on. My other two are 7 and 5, so they don't quite get it yet, but I'm sure they will in time. So will your kids.
I'm sorry you can't take them, but that's because you're too busy being a real parent instead of a fake, doing-it-for-show-and-adulation parent. Your ex might enjoy some short-term appreciation, but your kids are going to look to you as the parent they can count on in the long run.
I know that feeling all too well. I'm so sorry. XH took my kids to Disney with OWSkank and it just about killed me. It wasn't their first trip, and ex and I had been many times. But Disney was our thing. It tore my heart out.
Having lived in FL for many years I have been to Disney many, many times and I assure you, you are never too old to enjoy it. You can also never see everything in one visit either.
Yes, and it stings that I wanted to go to Disney forever, we had always talked about taking the kids...but...again...I was never the priority. He was too busy. Now that he is happy and settled and happy being gay, he is doing the things I wanted to do. He still gets the "family unit" and I don't, and that is the part that sucks.
But, thankfully I am resilient and I already feel better today. That initial flash of pain is always the worse of it. I will slap my happy face back on and keep moving.
By the time I will, they will be too old to enjoy it.
Nah - no such thing as too old for Disney!!!
I know that doesn't make you feel any better. I would be so bummed too.
Disney is timeless - I went when I was little....then couldn't wait to go as a teen.....then couldn't wait to go in my twenties, etc. You guys will get there together and it will be magical!
You are doing what you need to do (school) to better their lives - that is priceless!
There's always failure. And there's always disappointment. And there's always loss.
But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums.
- Michael J. Fox
Ex texted me last night wanting to know "what is wrong???" I ignored him.
But, that asshole just doesn't give up. Started back again an hour ago and this time I didn't take the highroad.
After I told him how much fun it is to know that I will be home studying for a degree I don't want, while he and his boy toy will get to experience Disney for the FIRST TIME with MY children, I told him to leave me the fuck alone.
Why?? Do they enjoy it? I live with his choices every.single.day. Why would he think something like this wouldn't bother me? This was probably all of the buttering up around my birthday. Trying to "win me" before dropping the Disney bomb.
Crickets for the last hour, so hopefully he will listen.
Crap. Have to go write a paper.
It is completely unfair that my ex has the "family unit" is part of a two income family with no money worries and I am alone and broke. He and the skank take my daughter on trips all the time. They have been a couple of other places, but have already taken her to Disney three times (and they have only been married for three years).
It hurts. I am grateful I got to experience Disney World with her when my ex and I were still married and she was four. But it hurts knowing that she gets to enjoy more moments like that with him and the woman who destroyed our marriage. I can't afford to take her to Disney World or really anywhere for that matter, and that bothers me.
With every trip they plan, I am an emotional wreck. Their next trip is a Disney cruise to the Bahamas and a couple of days in Disney World during spring break, which, incidentally, was the exact honeymoon we took 15 years ago. That is like a knife through my heart.
Even though it is painful that she gets to experience these trips with these two horrible people, in the end, I know I am the one she turns to for everything. I know how she feels about me and I know we have a tremendous bond. She will never have that with her dad no matter how many expensive Disney trips he takes her on.
So, let the cheating liars take our kids on all the "guilt" trips they want to. The older they get, the more they will understand what a "Disney Dad" truly is. And they will appreciate us more. Kids are pretty smart and will no doubt figure out that their cheating fathers or mothers are just trying to buy their affections because of their guilt.
ME - BW - 34
HIM - XWH - 38
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
Feeling nothing is what rocks do.
It burns me too, mamma. It burns me too. I can't change it but I give myself permission to have righteous anger about it. Then it passes and it is another one of those things I'll come to loathe forever but accept like I'm possessed by the fucking Dali Lama or something.
Then it passes and it is another one of those things I'll come to loathe forever but accept like I'm possessed by the fucking Dali Lama or something.
I think I'm going to put that in a frame on my wall. Much more to the point than "taking the high road".
I heard him tell the kids last night, "Maybe we will go to the beach this weekend...." So I'm not sure what is up any longer. I'm sure my little hissy-fit surprised him because I haven't been bitchy in a very long time.
Possessed by the fucking Dali Lama.
[This message edited by cmego at 1:14 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]