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User Topic: "If we weren't M"; "If we didn't have children"
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:00 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've noticed that many, many BSs on this site often say that their WS's A would have been dealbreakers if they had only been engaged at the time and/or if they didn't have children together.

As someone who didn't yet have children with WS, I find this very interesting. I found myself as desperate to save our M as I imagine I would have been with children.

So where does this confidence come from that it would have been a dealbreaker?

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 11:00 PM, October 6th (Sunday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can not say for certain we already had our children.
I strongly feel I would of been gone.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
Kalliopeia
♀ Member
Member # 35053
Default  Posted: 11:10 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often I feel that since I am not married to mone, people give me the simplest answer: you aren't married, why haven't you dumped him, why haven't you ditched him, why is this guy still in your life, why are you still in contact with him?

There is no answer that will satisfy.

I am stretched thin on his actions.. but I have no ring or children. I have a relationship I have been fighting for.

It often feels to me on SI that there is no help for me except "get out of it".

I wonder if the message would be the same if we were married. I see a lot worse things going on in the marriages here than in my relationship. Advice is different, I feel due to not being married.


Posts: 478 | Registered: Mar 2012
emotionalgirl
♀ Member
Member # 40184
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I often thought that way, but now that my WH has had is EA I look at things differently. I think that if you have invested any amount of time and emotion into a relationship no matter the status or the length it is not as easy to walk away as anyone thinks.

This being said everyone is different. You can only do what you think is right for you.


1st D day: Saturday July 20,2013
2nd D day....when the s**t really hit the fan and the truth came out.Saturday August 3,2013
3rd D day: Friday August 16, 2013...NC sent Friday Aug 30 4th D day NOV 11
Me: BS
Him: WH
Married 25 years....finally in R

Posts: 369 | Registered: Aug 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:18 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You're getting at where my thinking is on this, Kalliopeia.

I feel bad for some people who come here and are in long-term (non-M) relationships or are engaged. Sometimes I do think they run the risk of being dismissed.

I tend to think that those situations can be every bit as difficult as a M affected by infidelity.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
sad34
♀ Member
Member # 40358
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would have left so fast


Bs: me 32 WH: 36
Dday: July 2012
LTA: 4years (ea, pa)
Dd-4. Ds-2
My life is shattered unsure about R

Posts: 138 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 11:22 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yeah, my IC used to have fun with me when I'd start in on the "If we did/didn't..." and the "If I'd known then..."

It's all bullshit. Well, I do think if I'd known the incredible perverted shit he was into I'd not have married him. But I most certainly did stay with him after marriage but before children, even though I knew he was cheating & a liar. I didn't realize the depths of his perversions until last year, really.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9299 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
RightTrack
♀ Member
Member # 36976
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can say that I would have left but for the children b/c it was while I was in the divorce attorney's office that the full reality of "shared custody" of the kids hit home. " 50/50 Shared custody" scared the living tar of me.

Posts: 607 | Registered: Sep 2012
summerain
♀ Member
Member # 37439
Default  Posted: 11:46 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me if WH and I weren't married I would of left because getting divorced in my state is very difficult and both of our quality of life would of been severely complicated, legally and financially.

But that said I'm starting to slowly but surely get happier about staying and thank 'the higher power' we are married. Who knows if he cheats on me in ten years time and I start banging my head on a wall though.


OW1 inadvertently let me know WH loves English breakfast tea. Never ever saw him drink it. And I never will.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Australia
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, October 6th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I hate to say it... but I guess I don't really believe it would be that easy to up and leave without M and kids.

I mean, as someone in their 30s... the fact that we don't have kids yet is a reason for me to want R! What are my chances now to find someone, learn to trust them, M them, have children. I think they are pretty slim...


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:07 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The reason people say this is because of the long, long pain attached to the infidelity, which in my case (my husband cheated on me six months into our 28-year marriage)blighted not only our marriage but my self-image and life. If I had my time again, I'd have called a halt on the marriage at that point. The reason I stayed wasn't just the recent wedding, parents' expectations etc, but because I loved him so completely. I thought he was my one love. My God how wrong I was!!! He left me four years ago and my life is in a much better place. My advice to anyone engaged to a cheater would definitely be 'don't be'!!! People aren't dismissing your pain, they're trying to suggest that a life without it would be better. And as for not finding someone when you're in your 30s... the world is full of people who WON'T cheat. I found one and I'm 52.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 842 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
Bluebird26
♀ Member
Member # 36445
Default  Posted: 12:19 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We can all guess what we might have done if we were in the situation but you never know until you are faced with it. It's like all those statistics you hear about, you aren't really concerned with them until you become one!

I always thought if my ex cheated on me I would have been gone the first time. But I have had numerous ddays. I was 'willing' to do almost anything to keep my marriage together. I was willing to accept treatment I should never have accepted in the first place. I wished I had a stronger self esteem, I wish I had other relationships to compare the one I was in too. So I knew this was not right.

Hindsight is 20/20 as they say. But I wish I could have seen the red flags before I was married as much as I love my children with all my heart if I knew the heartbreak I would have to endure over the years I doubt I would have gone through with the wedding. I am now legally tied to him until my children become adults. I have to share my children with a pathetic 'man' that I would like nothing more then to runaway from forever.

I guess those of us that have been cheated on upon in our marriage/after children are trying to 'help' others to escape a life we have already lived.

IMHO I think if the WS is acting like they are single then let them be single. You deserve better. So did I.

Do you really want to live like this for the rest of your life? Do you really want to be with someone you cannot trust in the same room as another female/male, or constantly checking their phone or checking if their actions equals their words. It's not a life with a equal partner, it's a parent/child relationship.


"Loving someone should not mean losing you. Love empowers you. It shouldn't erase you. - Thelma Davis.

Posts: 1284 | Registered: Aug 2012 | From: Australia
LosferWords
♂ Guide
Member # 30369
Default  Posted: 12:28 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's really easy to say how we would react in certain situations that we are not in. It's much different to actually live these experiences and deal with them first hand. Once you've been betrayed, no matter what situation you are in, the choices that you decide to make are deeply personal. Despite all of the commonalities that many of us share, everyone's situation is so different. It's really not fair to say to another person, "I would do xyz if I were in your situation", because you really don't know.

You really don't 100% know what you're going to do in any given scenario, until you are actually in that scenario.


Posts: 6244 | Registered: Dec 2010
NoAnswers37
♀ Member
Member # 40592
Default  Posted: 3:47 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Phantom - I could not have said it better myself.

The pain of losing a future of children and marriage when you're "that age" is intense. I have often thought about how long I will need for recovery, then meeting a non-cheating compatible partner, then forming a relationship, getting trust back, trying for children, marriage....

The way I feel now I'll be 50 by the time that happens.

I think the main pain those of us who were not married with children have is that our near future has been stolen from us and we didn't do anything to cause it.

But I am so sorry to everyone who is in pain - we need to stick together!


Live without pretending
Love without depending
Listen without defending
Speak without offending

Posts: 122 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: England
HormonalWoman
♀ Member
Member # 29265
Default  Posted: 4:32 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The same place a couple who have never experienced infidelity get their confidence from when one of them claims they would NEVER give their partner a second chance shit bust i guess

I used to be one of those btw


[This message edited by HormonalWoman at 4:33 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


Together 13 yrs
BW - Me
WH - Him
3 Children
DD 20th June 2010 actual affair was early 2008 for roughly 10 wks.

Posts: 242 | Registered: Aug 2010 | From: UK
heme
♀ Member
Member # 40684
Default  Posted: 7:00 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't know it was a 100% Id have left him but I would have been more likely to least for a short period. To me being married and having children makes it a whole lot harder to just take a break. Sometimes I wish his work would send him somewhere for a week or two just so I could get a break and gather my thoughts.


BS: Me (30)
WS: Husband (31)
Married 8 years, together 9
D-Day: Sept 10, 2013
D-Day2: May 31, 2014
Children: 5, ages 7, 5, 3, 1 and due in September

Leaning towards leaving, no one deserves this pain.


Posts: 204 | Registered: Sep 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:22 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The pain of losing a future of children and marriage when you're "that age" is intense. I have often thought about how long I will need for recovery, then meeting a non-cheating compatible partner, then forming a relationship, getting trust back, trying for children, marriage....

EXACTLY.

I was with WS for 11 years before he cheated. I can say with 100% confidence that he had never cheated before. His actions came as a total shock to me, our families and all of our friends.

If I couldn't trust the man I was with for over a decade... how can I possibly trust the "next one", should there even be one.

I feel like his A was the end of my chance at my own children. Sure, I can adopt, anything can happen, etc.

But I envy those of you who were able to share having a child with the man you loved. That you have your children to focus on and, hopefully, keep you grounded and feeling loved.

From the position of a 30-something who gave over their entire 20s helping a man establish a career-- and held off on children for the sake of that career-- it feels like a double-whammy. I've lost my partner. I've forfeited my future. Now some OW, who already has a child!, and is reaping the benefits of all of the time and energy I put into helping to build him up all of these years.

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 7:23 AM, October 7th (Monday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ugh, I have to admit, I'm guilty of giving this type of advice and I can understand we it frustrates you:
Often I feel that since I am not married to mone, people give me the simplest answer: you aren't married, why haven't you dumped him, why haven't you ditched him, why is this guy still in your life, why are you still in contact with him?
I think people are so quick to jump on that line of reasoning because marriage and children create such challenging ties that bind you to another person so much more than if all you have to do is give 30 days notice on an apartment lease and walk away. We sometimes forget that just because there's no legal document, couples can still build lives together that are deeply rooted, making it difficult to just up and leave. I, for one, want to apologize to anybody who I' might've rashly dismissed with this type of response. I'll definitely be more conscious about it in the future.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:44 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I spent 6 years going in circles firstly by rugsweeping and then by trying for R for the very reason you mention PL. I wanted children, I wanted the plans we had, I wanted my investment to pay off. I married when I was 35 and the first time D was truly raised I was 40. OMG 40, life was over.

And because of that mindset, I wasted 6 years. Now on the other side at 46, how much easier it would have been to start over at 40 instead of 46.

That's why I give the newly married, no kids members of SI the GO, GO NOW advice. It isn't because I think there are less ties to the M to be empathetic towards (b/c there aren't, betrayal is betrayal, lies are lies, being blindsided is being blindsided). It's because in the midst of the pain, it's too easy to think you need to throw good money after bad when in fact you don't.

But for the record, I pretty much tell everyone to D. I no longer believe in forgiveness. Looking back, I don't think I would have had R in me. I don't think adultery is a forgivable thing. (My apologies to all those in successful R, I understand why you might choose it, and for the record you are stronger, better people than me). I don't think actions taken with malice aforethought are forgivable. So that's why I rarely post in JFO, my advice is generally too harsh. I wait until people are in general and the facts of the relationship are clearer.

So that's why you perceive a bias, D is the more common outcome of an A than a successful R, those of us on the otherside of D all see we wasted too much time getting to D and that's our regret that we're sharing.

Mostly though, I've read your threads PL. People are enraged on your behalf. That's why you've gotten the slam the door, don't look back advice. When people reference that you don't have ties like children, they are referencing that the D process is easier - not that the emotional component is - and that's the genesis of the "easy" reference.


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3003 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
fight4respect
♀ New Member
Member # 40595
Default  Posted: 8:14 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This is probably just a reflection of my limits but I too struggle to believe in R (with all respect to the many people here who hold different views). I do not have it in me to give cheaters a second chance and I tend to think that people capable of this type of behaviour only change at great cost and effort, if they change at all. So I tend to echo the views of those who say 'run' but I fully agree that pain is pain. I was not married and have no children and yet the pain of betrayal and the shock of giving up on the future I thought I had were agony.


* I used to listen to people and trust they would act upon their word. Now I listen to people, and observe if they will act upon their word *

Posts: 10 | Registered: Sep 2013
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