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User Topic: "If we weren't M"; "If we didn't have children"
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 7:46 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Often I feel that since I am not married to mone, people give me the simplest answer: you aren't married, why haven't you dumped him, why haven't you ditched him, why is this guy still in your life, why are you still in contact with him?

I feel this way too. And it's an impossible question to answer. I know rationally that there's nothing tying me to him, and that it would be a lot easier to leave him than all the people on here who are married and have children.

But emotionally, I don't want to leave him. I put all my hopes and dreams into this man, and it's not as simple as just walking away.

I used to always say that I would walk away if I was ever cheated on, and that didn't happen. I think it's really hard for anyone to know how they would really respond in a situation until they're in that situation. But, that's just my opinion.

Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be complaining as much or that my pain isn't as significant since I've only been with him for two years. I can't imagine what the people on here feel who have been married for 20+ years. If I'm feeling this broken, I don't see how the rest of you can get out of bed every day.

But, my feelings are real. I know I'm not married, but it still hurts every single day.

I've gotten the response a lot that I'm only 29 years old, and I should walk away since I'm so young. But I don't see it that way. I see it as I'm almost in my 30's. I invested two years of my life with this man, and I wanted marriage and kids with him. If I leave him now, there's a 50% (or more) that the next guy I meet will also cheat on me. So, to me, it's worth taking the time to figure out if this man can change and be a better partner. If he can't change, I won't spend my whole life with him. But if he can change, that's worth a few bad months to me.

ETA: Also, wanted to add that there are also so, so, so many people on SI who have been so supportive of my situation, even though I'm not married. I've gotten some great advice on here, and it's been my main system of support during all this.

[This message edited by Lonelygirl10 at 7:55 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


30 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1205 | Registered: Jul 2013
AppleBlossom
♀ Member
Member # 38541
Default  Posted: 7:53 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I left my previous husband, with whom I had three children for reasons that were not attached to infidelity.

When I found out my FWF was unfaithful to me, we had no children together (and will not due to our age) and were not engaged nor living together, yet I chose to stay with him.

My desire to stay with my FWF is so much stronger than my urge was to stay with my ex-husband. This is because I truly love my FWF in a way that is absolutely authentic and based on very real reasons.

My dealbreakers are different - if he had been unfaithful to me by being in an EMR rather than seeing prostitutes, it would be over. If he had not attended immediately to his issues around SA as a child then it would be over.

My choices are informed by my own experiences as a child and my FOO. My parents were very, very unhappy and I believe that my mother was unfaithful to my father. However, they stayed "for the children" and consequently we grew up watching a truly dysfunctional and abusive relationship.

I guess I am saying that it is not always so simple and there are so many personal and individual factors at play. Knowing that my FWF was unfaithful to his ex-wife, I swore if he did it to me, it would be over.

And yet, here I am.


Posts: 154 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Australia
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 7:58 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've never said that if stbx had cheated pre-M or pre-kids that it would have been a dealbreaker for me. I can't know what I would have done because that's not how it happened for me.

I don't believe that people are meaning to be dismissive of anyone's feelings/pain when voicing the *run* sentiment to BS' that aren't married or have no children. It's just that the ones who say that to the OP's are (usually) married and/or have children -- and hindsight is 20/20. Navigating the logistics of a divorce is a stress-filled nightmare. And then having kids involved in the whole mess makes it 1,000,000,000 times worse. My thought is -- why put yourself through that if you don't have to and can *get away* before going through that emotional damage?

If I tell someone to cut contact and run, it is because I've read the profile, read (and/or followed) the story -- and I see a Wayward partner that is continuing to be a Wayward. A Wayward that is not remorseful. A Wayward who is not putting forth the effort to become a *safe* partner. My vote to stay/go is not based on a poster's marital status.

And this is magical thinking on your part:

But I envy those of you who were able to share having a child with the man you loved. That you have your children to focus on and, hopefully, keep you grounded and feeling loved

You can envy the people who you know that have children and stable marriages.
But dealing with children while going through being betrayed (and perhaps divorce) is most definitely not an enviable position to be in. Your statement reminds me of the 14 year old girls that get pregnant on purpose so that they will have someone to *love* them. <--That is NOT the reality of kids. Kids can be needy and self-centered little suckers who just want/need, want/need, want/need constantly. Yes, they *give back* at moments, but it's not a child's job to make the parent feel loved. It is the parent's job to make their children feel loved -- and that is really hard to do when the parent's are dealing with the shitstorm created by cheating and the possible destruction of the family unit due to divorce.

You've been down in the D/S section. There is thread after thread that describes the horrific effects on the children involved in this betrayal crap. It is heart-breaking to read and NO child deserves to go through it. Watching your child have to deal with it just flat-out sucks and it has been one of the worst experiences of my life. So, again. If I see someone whose Wayward is being a remorseless ass and there aren't any children involved, I will say a little prayer of thanks.

Although it may not feel like it to you, you are still young and you have many glorious years ahead of you. You just have to begin looking forward and stop looking back. Trusting again will be difficult, but not impossible. And look at the lesson you learned -- if a guy tells you that he broke off an engagement and just *vapored* on his ex, you'll KNOW to dig into that a little bit deeper.

Grieve for what you've *lost* -- your pain is very real. And don't count out finding a wonderful man and children, if that is what you desire. Just look at Halle Berry. She just had a baby last week -- she's 47.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
RippedSoul
♀ Member
Member # 40055
Default  Posted: 8:26 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For each of us, the specifics are different, but for most of us, the generalities are the same. We LOVE our waywards (or did before they wounded us so deeply); we're in a relationship because they are special to us; we are committed; we are hopeful; we are optimistic.

My specifics are that my WH, a sex addict, had been physically faithful to me for 21 years of marriage and 4 children. I feel like, as many issues as he has, he loves me, he loves our children, and he--and our marriage--are worth trying to save. Had he cheated soon into our marriage, I'd be just as devastated (perhaps more so because the love is different--more giddy--then), but my outlook would be different.

My belief is that people who cheat in relationships--even if it's just in middle school--are "practicing." They're setting up patterns and they're developing lifelong habits. Practice makes permanent, unfortunately. When it's a 45-year-old who's unfaithful for the first time, the term "cheat" doesn't seem to be the whole person. At least that's what I tell myself.

Quite honestly, every time I ask for advice on this site, I actually appreciate it more if there are different opinions. It gives me more to wrap my head around and it makes my decision seem more authentic, more researched, when I make it. I need someone to play devil's advocate.

Hopefully, others feel the same way I do. When I'm offering advice, I'm offering the best advice--based on my experience--that I possibly can. You don't have to accept it. But you should hear it. And I'm duty-bound to share it as gently as I can. It could be illuminating even if--and maybe most especially if--it's not what you want to hear. KWIM?

As for staying because of the children, well, I think I'd have given up on my beloved but messed up addict if it weren't for them. I honestly don't know if he's capable of changing. I DO know that he's trying, though. As long as our home is harmonious, as long as he can keep his act together in front of them, as long as he can be kind to me (even if he's still cheating--can you tell there's still no trust?) and show me affection, then I'll stay until my youngest leaves for college. At that point, if he hasn't made giant strides toward recovery, then I'll leave, too. My kids deserve a father as long as our home is positive; but I deserve someone who loves me enough to change.

That's what I mean by specifics vs generalities. It just "depends." There is no "one size fits all" answer when it comes to cheating. There are trends. There are probabilities. But there are no definites that account for all the variables that make up who we are and how dynamic our relationships are.


BW: 49; SLAWH: 46; M: 23 yrs
DD#1--11/30/12 (prostitute #1)
DD#2--1/29/13 (AP, escorts #1 & #2)
DD#3--9/13 (trolling MILF site)
DD#4--10/8/13 (EA with AP cont'd)
DD: 20; DD: 18; DS: 16; DS: 14
PS: I've NEVER NOT edited my posts

Posts: 459 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: California
Gemini71
♀ Member
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ah yes, there is a bit of a 'stay for the kids' bias in our culture, and it can be reflected here on SI. I do NOT endorse staying for the kids.

If you see the horror stories on the S/D thread, most of them were in horrible M to begin with. No one makes this decision lightly. If you asked on the S/D thread, I bet most of us would say that whatever emotional trauma our kids are experiencing, it is nothing to what they would go through with a false R or an antagonistic M.

In my case, we had an amicable M, and are working to keep our D amicable too. Even so, I was surprised at how little we missed STBXH when he left. If fact, the kids are getting along much better with each other, and in school. Even so, there is pain.

I know that your pain is just as bad as any M BS with kids. I went through a similar betrayal with an XB when I was younger. If anything, it hurt worse because I didn't have the kids to brighten my life like I do now. I also didn't have the coping skills and wisdom (a.k.a. knowing it WILL get better) that I do now.

Lastly, please know that your life is NOT over. Three good friends of mine have just had their first children in their early 40s. Only one had to use IVF (she would have needed IVF at 20 too). Another went through a difficult D in her early 30s and thought her life was over, it was not. She now has 2 DSs, 2D Step-Ss, and a D Step-Grand-D as well. You never know what the future holds, so do not give up!


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1859 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
suposd2btheonly1
♀ Member
Member # 40753
Default  Posted: 9:00 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Im not sure if its really confidence. I always ALWAYS said that if WH EVER cheated that NO MATTER WHAT, kids or not I would leave. Ive told him that before just in conversations about cheaters, before he was a cheater, and we had kids at those times.

I think I was sure at the time I said that that it was what I would do. Now that I'm in that situation I'm singing a different tune. I want to make it past this and make it work.

I think that you can say things, and at the time mean them, but when you are really faced with the issue your feelings are more real.


Me: BW 31
Him: WH 30
OW: 22yo whore who is still planning her wedding
Married 3yrs, together 5
4 kids, all boys 14, 11, 4 and 8mos...I hope like hell they don't hurt someone the way he hurt their mama
Dday: August 9, 2013
S, until his head

Posts: 206 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oklahoma
RedRose
♀ Member
Member # 39584
Default  Posted: 9:11 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can't say for certain that it would have been a dealbreaker before we had kids, but I think that it would have been.

Why? Because I don't deserve to be treated the way he treated me over the last two and a half years. But, as a mother, I want to do everything possible to keep my kids feeling happy, healthy, and safe. I can't just do what is best for myself any more, but gave to do what is best for them first.


BW-35
WH - 35
2.5 year LTA

Posts: 160 | Registered: Jun 2013
musiclovingmom
♀ Member
Member # 38207
Default  Posted: 9:12 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I came from a divided home. My mother's 3rd husband has been her longest. My father was not involved in my life and it was miserable. My sister's father was involved in her life and the back and forth was miserable. I vowed I would do everything possible to keep my children from having to live either way. Then, I had my daughter. My first marriage ended in divorce. Not because he was unfaithful, but because he had anger issues and refused to admit it or do anything to work on it. I didn't want my daughter to grow up thinking that marriage was about two people who fought all the time. My current H cheated before we were married. We had only been together 2 years. We did have a child. I could have cut and run no problem. Had more than one offer from people to help me and the baby in any way possible. I knew I could handle the custody issues. But, I loved him deeply and he showed instant remorse. Maybe it would have been different if he hadn't stopped everything before I found out. Probably not. Truth is, I somehow knew from day one that this was a series of bad choices, but they didn't define who he was. Though we had only been together for 2 years, we'd known each other almost 20. The pain he felt was palpable. I'll never forget exactly how he looked when I found out. When I first posted my story almost 6 months post-dday, the advice I got was 'run' and 'he's a SA'. I didn't and he isn't. Almost 14 months now and our home is happier than ever.

Posts: 1105 | Registered: Jan 2013
dbellanon
♂ Member
Member # 39236
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's what I remember.

On DDay, I discovered the affair in the morning. She came home late (2:00 AM) at night, at which point I confronted her.

In that intervening time, I remember the feeling of being horribly panicked and trapped. I have no doubt in my mind that if my daughter hadn't been in the picture, one of two things would have happened. Either she would have come home to an empty house, or she would have come home to find her belongings on the curb. I had reached the end of my rope, emotionally. Yes, I wanted to save my marriage, but at that point, there was something I wanted more. I just wanted it to be over. I had endured weeks of pain worse than anything I could have imagined was possible, and then just when I didn't think things could get any worse, I discovered the affair. I couldn't take it. I had reached my breaking point. I was ready to cut my losses and run. Who knows? If that had been a real option, maybe I would have regretted it later. Maybe I would have thought myself a coward for not fighting until the last of my lifeblood had fallen to the ground.

But while I was freaking out, waiting for my wayward wife to come home from who-knows-where, my daughter was sleeping soundly in her bed, an innocent victim of her mother's treachery. I was done. I was destroyed. I was completely spent, and yet somehow I kept going. I did it for my daughter.

I don't know what that day meant. If we were childless, would I have gone away for a while, recovered some of my sanity and my energy, but then come back to fight another day? I have no idea. But I have no doubt that things would have gone very differently with no children in the picture.


ME: BH, 28
Her: WW, 27
DD: 4
Married 6 Years.
DDay: Early May, 2013
Divorced

Posts: 227 | Registered: May 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's legit to say that I'm engaging in some magical thinking when I say that kids would have been a source of love and joy, had we had them before his A, gonnabe2016.

But I don't know of anyone here who has said that having children with their WS was a mistake...



BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
RidingHealingRd
♀ Member
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 12:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Engaged vs M 25 years?

Engaged...100% dealbreaker. There would have been no marital history, no D required, and I would be much younger. I would have walked in a NY minute!!!

I would not knowingly enter into a lifetime with someone whose personal value system and strength of character was so deficient.

M 25 years and did not feel much like starting over. I was willing to give him that 2nd chance and I have no regrets. He steps up everyday to right his wrong.


ME: 54 BS
HIM: 61 WH
Married: 28 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 4 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.


Posts: 2122 | Registered: Nov 2011
crazynot
♀ Member
Member # 24572
Default  Posted: 12:06 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

There's something else, from my own experience here. If you stay with a cheater who's full of remorse, as I did, going on to have kids and 20 more years together, then they fall in love with someone else in the midst of their kids' teenage years and leave the family giving no-one a choice? That's what happened to us. And for the record, my STBX is not a bad man, in many ways he was a wonderful husband and father. And the first time he strayed, when we'd been married six months, he was BESOTTED with me. We were soulmates, we shared everything, we even once dreamed the same dream. Yet by choosing to stay with him and share my life, I made myself vulnerable to someone I wasn't really safe with. Someone with the capacity to destroy the people he loved most and had vowed to protect because he had his head turned. It's ended ok for me and my two gorgeous kids. But it's been a difficult few years that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Someone who cheats when you've only been together for a short time is showing you a dangerous flaw deep, deep inside of them. The people here giving the 'run, Forrest, run' advice are often talking from the bitter experience of finding that out, and the desire to save others pain.


Me - 50
Him - 51
DDay 21 March 2009
Divorcing and delighted!

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it.


Posts: 873 | Registered: Jun 2009 | From: UK
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But I don't know of anyone here who has said that having children with their WS was a mistake...

I've seen quite a few people express this sentiment down in D/S. Not that they are *wishing* that their children had never been born, but that those children had been *made by* a different mom/dad. There are assertions of "I'm sorry that I chose this person to be one of my child's parents."

And I'm not sure if you were upset or offended by my *magical thinking* comment. My point was just that it is easy to romanticize something when you haven't dealt with the true reality of it.....and that is what I felt that you were doing. IMO, those types of thoughts keep you *stuck* and block or slow your path to moving forward.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 12:52 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8075 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 12:47 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think it's impossible not to project your own situation and feelings into each response you write here. It's a most natural human response to learn from your own life and use that information to form opinions about other somewhat similar situations.

I certainly can appreciate the point of view that perhaps some of us "old M people" seem like we are dismissive of the feelings and deep hurt of someone in a shorter M or an unmarried relationship. I honestly don't think that is anyone's intent. It is like arguing whether EA or PA hurts more, or whether a ONS is worse than a LTA. They all suck. Infidelity sucks.

Hurt is hurt. Betrayal is betrayal. Dashed hopes. Destroyed dreams. Shattered trust. Sadness. Loneliness. Hopelessness.

Every BS on this site is here because we are hurting and our hurt is very real and very deep for us personally. I don't think anyone ever means to be dismissive of someone else's pain. I think we are all trying, as best we can, to "help" one another from our own experiences. I know I will be more sensitive in future posts, though...

All that said, I have to agree with the posts that perhaps we are just screaming at our younger selves. We are wishing we had the foresight in our own relationships to avoid the unbearable pain we are suffering. We hope that maybe we can spare someone else a little extra pain down the road.

I'm just so sad for all the pain that radiates in these threads. Each of us gave ourselves to someone we loved deeply. We thought that person had our back. Until they stuck a knife in it. And in some cases, just kept twisting, even as we begged for mercy. It's just so very hard to read page after page of this and not feel hopeless sometimes.

Wishing all of us strength for our individual journeys and eventual peace, no matter which road we travel...

Edited for typos... as usual.

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 12:50 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 710 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 1:02 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with gonnabe2016 way of thinking. Staying with a known cheater early on in the relationship is not a wise idea. I stayed with my fiance who cheated on a previous galfriend and had boundary issues early on in our relationship for the sake of my son. I was afraid to be a single parent but now I wish I had left then when it was only 1 child. He cheated on me when I was pregnant with no.2. I kicked him out of my life when i JFO in february. It's been 7 months of separation and detachment just gave birth 3 weeks ago without him. I was with him for only 2 yrs. I don't intend to waste anymore of my time on him. I hurt almost everyday for me and my children but I have hope of a better future. I don't regret my sweet beautiful children but I regret choosing him as their father. For those of you in your 20s and 30s thinking it's gonna be hard finding someone, getting married and having children, imagine those odds after you've wasted your younger years with the wrong person. I don't want that to be me. I've learnt from the people here at SI.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 1:25 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
BrighterFuture
♀ Member
Member # 38914
Default  Posted: 1:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Double post.

[This message edited by VeryHurtbroken at 1:19 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Me:30
Him:31
D-day:2/24/13 (I was 10 weeks pregnant at the time and DS was 15 months)
Status: Parted ways!

"If only I can fight just a little longer, I know it's gonna make me stronger" Jamie Grace-Holding on.


Posts: 349 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Ohio
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 6:56 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I'm not sure if you were upset or offended by my *magical thinking* comment. My point was just that it is easy to romanticize something when you haven't dealt with the true reality of it.....and that is what I felt that you were doing. IMO, those types of thoughts keep you *stuck* and block or slow your path to moving forward.

Nope. I think, as I said, it's legitimate.

As others have said, it's subjective. I think I'm likely projecting my upset over the fact that WS practically lobbied for us not to have a child for years. I'm still building my own career and he would argue that I needed to keep pushing forward to achieve more and more success for our financial future. No time to have a child now, but in a few years, sure. I listened "for us"... and I couldn't have predicted that the future I wanted wasn't obtainable once I was established.

Now, ironically, all I have left is the career. Right now, anyway.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
cayc
♀ Member
Member # 21964
Default  Posted: 7:11 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

PL, one thing betrayal does to you - especially when you realize you were conned - is it causes you to question everything. And then you start saying to yourself "oh, if only I had turned left that day instead of right" then things would be different.

And also, it forces you into grass is greener thinking. And you start thinking how it would have been different/better had ... you had children for example.

It's crazy making. And there is no cure except to stop chasing those negative bunnies down dark twisty trails.

Don't ask me how to do that. I haven't figured it out yet. I spend many hours a day running hell bent for leather after those goddamn bunnies. So if you figure out how to stop, please please let me know.

I'm like you, pissed that I didn't get to have kids. All I have is my "impressive" career. Meh. People here have told me multiple times that if I really wanted children, I could adopt, I could foster etc. My career won't let me foster (I don't live in the US, and move every 2-3 years) but adoption is possible. And yet I haven't done it. And to be honest, it's because the drive to be a parent isn't what makes me regret not having children. Really it's a more fulsome regret of missing out on creating a family with a loving husband. That's my regret. That I didn't get that. But right now, I do have a good man in my life who has a nephew and a daughter. And my best friend and her two boys are very much a part of my life. And my goal is to just create a new definition of family for myself.

And that leads me back to what my original advice always is. If your physical ties to a spouse are weak (short M, no kids, no assets) then the emotional pain of leaving and starting over will pay greater dividends then throwing away year after year on someone who is going to do nothing but repeatedly let you down and cause you to make compromises that aren't in your best interests.

I understand PL, really I do. That's why I always comment on your threads. I'm talking to me as much as I am to you.

(((PL)))

[This message edited by cayc at 7:13 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


"The difference between involvement and commitment is like ham and eggs. The chicken is involved, the pig is committed." -Martina Navratilova
"The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 3119 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: Mexico
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And to be honest, it's because the drive to be a parent isn't what makes me regret not having children. Really it's a more fulsome regret of missing out on creating a family with a loving husband. That's my regret.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

There was a time about three years ago when WS were probably at the best stage in our M. Very much in love. New house. Things were going great. Would have been the perfect time to start the family we talked about all of the time.

But I totally understand why we didn't, given our career circumstances. So I can't really play the "what if" game and not be engaging in magical thinking.

HOWEVER, we had begun talking about trying for one this year. Hoped we'd be pregnant by the holidays and had started looking into adoption as well. So when DDay happened, the loss of that potential reality, on top of everything else, was tough.

Not to mention, on the career side, I was forced to quit my job (or work with WS and OW every day).

So sometimes I'm staggered by the selfishness of it all. He really didn't think about me and the impact of his actions one bit. His intention was for me to never find out how he was spending his evenings while I was out of state working. They were only supposed to be having a fling while the cat was away, basically. So I don't know if he thought at all about the impact if I found out and R didn't work. But he managed to leave me in my early/mid 30s with no family, in a situation where I had to basically restart that career he was so worried that I have, etc etc.

But this brings me back to why I started this thread. When this happens to us, there are so many factors that go into whether we are willing to offer R. We invested our lives in these WWs in a number of ways. Sometimes that is manifested in a M. Sometimes children. Sometimes in shared careers, plans or hopes for the future. And none of these make leaving easy or staying necessary. But the ramifications of the trauma of this echo in so many ways, and impact so many people, that I think it's almost impossible to navigate what is the right thing to do.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:16 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Nope. I think, as I said, it's legitimate.

Whew! I wasn't sure and just wanted to check.....

WS practically lobbied for us not to have a child for years. I'm still building my own career and he would argue that I needed to keep pushing forward to achieve more and more success for our financial future. No time to have a child now

Cayc's right.....her ex did the same, exact thing to her.
Mine kept me from going back to school or having my own career/job using the same methods of logic. "Now isn't the right time. The business is doing well. Don't worry, I'll take care of you." I, also, feel *ripped off* and as if he *stole* something from me.

That feeling of being conned is pretty awful. And honestly, it's pretty hard to deal with. I don't see myself ever NOT feeling resentful as hell about it.....but it's not something I can go back and change so I try not to dwell on it.....

(ps....."hi" CC )


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


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