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User Topic: "If we weren't M"; "If we didn't have children"
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:23 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sometimes I'm staggered by the selfishness of it all. He really didn't think about me and the impact of his actions one bit. His intention was for me to never find out

Yea, lovely, right?


No one's situation is easy. Making a decision about what to do isn't easy. Staying isn't easy. Divorcing or leaving isn't easy. That is why a lot of times the *key* to which direction a person should take is to look at the WS/BF's actions. Finding out you were *conned* or *not thought of* is a big ball of suck all by itself -- but add in a Wayward that isn't putting in 100% effort after the fact, and you have the recipe for your own emotional destruction.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7712 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 8:49 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But you know what's awful? Sometimes I still have the thought that maybe it would have been better if this all unfolded the way he planned. That I never found out, he ended the A before I got back, and we went on to have a family.

But one thing I'm learning from SI is that it's unlikely (a) that the A really would have stopped completely and (b) it if wasn't this A, it likely would have been something else in the future that tore us apart and exposed his character. Maybe it would have been children. (Just like *his* father)...

[This message edited by PhantomLimb at 8:49 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
HopeImOverIt
♀ Member
Member # 34517
Default  Posted: 9:48 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've ended a marriage with kids and a longtime relationship without kids. Both were very painful.

But the logistics of breaking up if you don't have a marriage and kids are so very much easier.

To undo a marriage usually requires a whole lot of legal fees and negotiations about pensions, debt, etc. Ending a relationship - and we were living together - meant simply agreeing I the couch, he takes the bed. No money consequences except replacing the bed.

The father of my children will be in my life pretty much forever. We get along better than many couples in S/D but we still have occasional friction about money or custody schedule channges. I have to see him at my children's graduations, weddings, etc. On the other hand, I don't have to see or communicate with my ex-boyfriend ever again. I have gone total NC and I think that makes it easier to heal.

Without a legal committment and children you still have pain, but you don't have the legal, monetary and custody issues on top.


Me: BW (50)
ExWH: (51)
2 teen-age boys
Divorced

Posts: 254 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: PA
gonnabe2016
♀ Member
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good description, Hope.

it's unlikely (a) that the A really would have stopped completely

Looking at your tagline, PL, this would probably have been the case......


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 7712 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
7yrsflushed
♂ Member
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 9:56 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Speaking from personal experience I have been on both sides of the fence. I did both. I was engaged years before I got married to STBXW. That person had an A and I kicked her out pretty quickly. She actually was pregnant with OM's child. SO yes in that case we weren't M and we didn't have children so she got the GTFO speech.


Fast forward to years later my STBXW has a 3 yr LTA with a coworker but we have 2 children and I am married. Everything in me screams giver her the GTFO speech but I have children with her. So it takes me 2 years before I fully realize she can't or won't own her shit and I file for D and she gets the GTFO speech. So yes having children did make a big difference. If I didn't have children I would still have had time invested, finances, a life we built, and vows I did take seriously. However she would have received the GTFO speech on Dday if I didn't have kids. Just my 2 cents and my opinion doesn't change the circumstances for you or anyone else dealing with infidelity. It's a personal choice.

ETA: having no children and not being married makes leaving "legally" easier in most cases. I belive that is why many people say leave to members that aren't married or have children. Everyone is emotionally attached to their spouse or partner so the leave isn't really referring to that part imo. The pain is going to be there regardless of whether you were married or not. Leaving my first situation cost me nothing but pain, leaving my M cost me pain, 50% of the time with my chidren, and much more financially. I lucked out with the agreement and didn't lose half my stuff but many people aren't as lucky.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:03 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
D hopefully official in 7/2014

Posts: 1840 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
ReunitePangea
♂ Member
Member # 37529
Default  Posted: 10:16 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

But the ramifications of the trauma of this echo in so many ways, and impact so many people, that I think it's almost impossible to navigate what is the right thing to do.

I fully agree, when you are in the middle of it, it is difficult to see what the right path is for you. There are lots of dynamics involved that are unique to you and ultimately you need to decide what you think is best for you.

However, hearing from others on SI that have similar but different experiences that are able to relate but also look objectively at your situation and give you some insight can be very valuable. When the advise is given to someone not married, no kids, maybe just a couple years into their relationship is to RUN - I think that is good advise. If you look at statistics, others experiences, etc. there are typical patterns that are often followed that the likely outcome from this type of relationship betrayal so early is not good. Chances are more pain in life is likely to follow if you choose this path. The person is being given good advise by those with personnel experience with these type of situations and it is probably good for the person to hear this advise no matter which path they choose to follow.

Even though the advise may be to RUN, you can still choose a different path. You may be succesful with that path in life because you know it will be more difficult. Many of us are blindsided when we find out, we would never have thought the person we married was capable when we married them. If I paid more attention to how common it unfortunately is and didnt act under the false assumption that no way could it happen to me, maybe I would have suspected things much sooner and been able to do something about it.

I also think that when the advise is given to RUN, I don't think anyone is trying to minimize the pain the situation is. I think we all know all to well that it does matter what the type of betrayal is, the pain is still there.


BS - Me 38
WS - Wife 39
D-Day - Oct 12
Married 10 years
OM1 - 12-year LTA
OM2 - 9 month A turned into open relationship with couple for another 1 1/2 years

Posts: 458 | Registered: Nov 2012
sailorgirl
♀ Member
Member # 38162
Default  Posted: 10:19 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That I never found out, he ended the A before I got back, and we went on to have a family.

I understand thinking this, and feeling regret about not having children. It might help to remember that you would have unwittingly been trapped into raising them with a broken man.

Imagine the pitfalls of co-parenting with a guy who is still basically a teenager himself.


Married 14 years, three amazing kids
H had 17 month EA/PA
D-day 1/5/13
Reconcilling

Posts: 787 | Registered: Jan 2013
PhantomLimb
♀ Member
Member # 39668
Default  Posted: 12:10 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

However, hearing from others on SI that have similar but different experiences that are able to relate but also look objectively at your situation and give you some insight can be very valuable

Completely!

To some extent I sometimes think that there is a tendency to think that our particular situation is "different" or "special." Of course, in many ways, it is... as is the case with any situation involving specific individuals and their unique context.

But SI really offers not only a measure of objectivity, but a dose of reality. I remember in the first few weeks on this site being so struck by the similarities between WSs. I think some people here call it "the playbook." It's almost frightening!

So it's not to say that SI is an equalizer of experience... but it helps lift the veil on the extent to which you might be viewing your WS in a light that is more favorable, optimistic, hopeful, loving than is the reality on the ground... simply out of shock, habit and what have you.


BS / D

Posts: 863 | Registered: Jun 2013
mrs. duped
♀ Member
Member # 28668
Default  Posted: 1:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sailorgirl said it best:

Imagine the pitfalls of co-parenting with a guy who is still basically a teenager himself.

This is exactly what I am just starting to realize after coming out of my own BS fog.


me: BW-36
him: WH-34
married 8 years; together 13 years
one dd=2 years old
3 month EA turned PA with coworker
D-day: April 19 2010.
Trying to R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Jun 2010 | From: michigan
Topic Posts: 69
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