[This message edited by Cloudnine at 1:31 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I'm so so sorry that you are in this position. Though no one can completely understand your exact situation and feel pain just the way you are feeling it, many people here have been through or are going through something similar.
As many here will tell you, don't worry about making a major decision about your marriage right now, you have all the time in the world to do that.
I would highly recommend going to "the Healing Library" (link on the top left) and reading the "FAQ for BS" (Betrayed Spouse), "FAQ for WS" (Wayward Spouse), and everything else in there. It helped me a lot.
Moving forward, much will depend on how your wife behaves in handling this situation. Does she seem sorry at this point? What is she doing/saying?
Prostitutes, ONSs, and one 7-month LTA (total time: 2 years). Have lost count of OPs, probably 12 or so. LTA was by far most damaging.
DDay 1: Aug 20, 2013
DDay 2: Aug 22, 2013
Whole truth: Sept 10, 2013
[This message edited by Cloudnine at 1:44 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I don't know when you found out, but it took my WH about a week to see how incredibly painful it was to see him protecting his AP (Affair Partner) verbally. He would say things like, "Oh, she isn't the one who did anything wrong" or "It wasn't her fault" - this made me insane, it made me feel like he was not on my side, on OUR side, like he would rather protect her than protect us! I'm sure you feel that way too. And your wife needs to cut that out immediately. Your best friend and your wife share very equal responsibility in this situation, both were active participants and both chose to backstab you.
But one thing I always tried to remember is that while you have absolutely zero blueprint for dealing with the devastating pain of this situation, she has no idea how to pull her head out of her butt and fix it, either.
I asked my husband read these things (and asked him to read them several times over a series of days, not just once), and though it took a week for them to really sink in, they helped him help me. When I found out, I was in no emotional state to accurately describe what I was feeling and what I needed. But I told my husband that these things really spoke to me and accurately described what I wanted from him, and how I felt. I would recommend asking your wife to read these two things:
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=324250 - This is a guide for cheating spouses to help them understand how you are feeling and what to do about it, how to behave and how not to behave.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_ws.asp - This is a Frequently Asked Questions page for cheating spouses.
If those things speak to you, show them to your wife and let them do the talking for you, maybe that will give you both somewhere to start. And keep posting!
[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:04 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
I have been looking through a lot of information but cant find similar story to mine. One where She has a one time affair with a 2 yr best friend that I had known they were attracted to each other. but since she is a stay at home mom and supported me all through the years that I owed her the respect and trust that she would not act on any of these things. I know I was setting myself up for this
Even if there was an attraction there, you were not setting yourself up for this - you trusted your wife and asked her to hold up her end of the stick, the way you were holding up your end of the stick. But your wife CHOSE to drop her responsibility to you and your marriage. Maybe later in this process the two of you can discuss how you can take steps to eliminate opportunity and dangerous situations like this before they implode, but there's no excuse for her cheating.
I have one question though. Everyone says donot tell people because we would regret later. What and how. I am too hazy now to make sense of things so I cant see in what way it would harm us. Wouldnt telling close friends or a family member help us by mediating?
This really depends on you guys. My husband and I only told our closest 2-3 friends for the first few weeks, but then I found out he had been lying repeatedly, and I moved out and took my rings off. After that there was no hiding it from anyone - he told his parents and I told mine, and our whole friend community knows because I wasn't living at home for a while (I am now) and it was impossible to hide that.
But I do wish less people knew. When I go out, people who know look at me with pity sometimes (I don't want anyone's pity, I have worked very hard to be strong and I don't want to be treated like a victim), some people judge me for staying with a cheater, and others judge my husband harshly about things I'm already over. In our case, it was very important that his parents knew, though, and we desperately needed 2-3 friends to support us. So, I think all that advice is saying is choose who you tell wisely.
EDIT: I would also be very careful that whoever you tell (and do tell someone if you need help) is a friend of your MARRIAGE. Someone who supports you two as a unit, not someone who is going to take a side.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:05 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
Once you get yourself to a place where you can make good decisions. Think about what it is that you want to do. Is R something you might want ? If so, its imperative you have a criteria of what you expect from your WW. Keep in mind that R is a gift offered from the BS to the WS. You are under no obligation to give this woman another chance. She gave up all her marital privledges the moment she slept with the OM. Both you and she needs to understand that. She also must be totally honest about what happened. How it started, how it progressed and what made her think that sleeping with another guy was the right thing to do. Right now she is blame shifting. She is blaming you for her actions. That's simply bullshit. Don't go for it and don't allow it. No matter what was going on in your M it does not excuse her from sleeping with another person. Period, end of story. She must own her shit. Her A and the decision to enter into it is all on her. She needs to personally accept it and find out why it happened. She also needs to change her behaviors so it will never happen again. You need to have a list of demands and boundaries. You also must have a plan in place should she deviate from those. Consequences are very vital in this scenario. Enforcing those consequences are vital as well. And if you decide that D is what is needed, you must not feel guilty. She had to know prior to banging another guy that D was a possibility. She took that risk anyway. Once again action / consequence. R is not for everyone and not all can do it. Before you decide on what your gonna do, think long and hard.
I'm going to stop blabbing right now. I could probably go on and on about what needs to be done. But this is enough for now. You have found yourself at a great place for comfort and advice. Keep in mind that every member here has walked in your shoes. You might read stuff here that will be great and you might read stuff that may piss you off. Keep it all in perspective. No one is trying to personally attack you. In fact a swift kick in the ass at times is very helpful. Mostly you will get nothing but support. Most of the members here will give advice from hindsight. We are experts because of the things we did wrong. No one here wants another soul to make the same mistakes we did. Read up in the healing library, great stuff in there. Post and read often as knowledge is power. The informed BS is the one who heals the fastest. Once again welcome. I hope you keep posting.
We have gone to a few Counseling sessions but I come away from them worse and angry. Its always all my fault. If I had paid more attention. If I had done this or that.
That would make me angry too.
None of that is true.
The affair is all on her.
You should probably change counselors.
If your wife isn't remorseful - you can't put it there for her, don't try. You can't make chicken salad out of chicken shit.
The current situation is loaded with disrespect; she thinks you are weak and has little guilt about what she has done. You come across as meek and mild and non-aggressive; maybe she thinks you would never divorce her because you don't have the balls so as to speak and you love her much too much.
The answer is to get quietly angry and pull away. Adopt a tough stance and put separation and divorce on the table. You need to take control of this situation and give your wife a taste of what life could be without without this marriage. Otherwise there is no solution; the affair will be rugswept and the unhappiness will stay buried inside of you, waiting for your WW to cheat again.
I remember a TV program some time ago when a small group of WW's discussed their attitude to the affair. They all dismissed the sexual side as being irrelevant; it happened, its over lets move on type of approach. Just the same as your wife.
I suppose its understandable; after all they can't turn the clock back, its going to be the elephant in the room for the rest of the marriage, but lets cope with it by not discussing it at all.
The best thing I suppose is to keep your misery to yourself since your WW responds with anger if you bring the issue up.
MC would help if your wife is agreeable; maybe a counsellor could get her to see commonsense, the need to help you to heal and the requirement for tolerance when you 'rant and rave'..
Trust but verify.
She is not remorseful may be regretful of telling you and facing little consequences.
I think you get the password after some cleaning up by her.
Ask her to send an NC letter, in your presence, they can never remain as friends.Then get tested for STDs and HIV.If she refuses any tell her you will see the lawyer tomorrow.
Again trust but verify.
For many cheating is a deal braker, is it a deal braker for you? Take your own time nd decide what you want from this marriage.
Take control of the situation, your healing is important not her BS needs or what she feels.
[This message edited by kannan at 9:45 AM, October 7th (Monday)]
Now, her screaming at you.
Here's a big fat NO to that.
That is completely wrong.
Why are you allowing it?
I know that's tough to hear, but it is important!
Do you find yourself 'stuffing your feelings' to keep the peace?
Walking on eggshells?
Get. Another. Counselor.
See a lawyer - get informed.
All the energy your spending trying to fix her and your M is the reason your healing is being delayed.
Turn all that focus and energy on you.
Her screaming abuse of you stops when you say it stops.
Put your foot down.
Grab your balls.
Settle for nothing less.
You deserve it.
It does sound as if your WW is upset about what she did and regrets it. But she just isn't *all the way there* yet.
It isn't your job to *save* her from the touchy-feely club guys. She needs to learn how to shut off the *give me attention* sign. She needs to learn how to fight her own battles against creeps. If that means that she doesn't pity-dance with anyone else, then so be it.
Perhaps you might try being a little less *conciliatory* and a bit more demanding of her to *carry her own water*......
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.