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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Finding my strength... or just the end of the road
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We're around 3 years out from DDay and the more I look back on that time period the less it looks like R. I can have confidence that my FWW has had no contact with AP in that time. Honestly that was about as easy as it got for her because he wanted nothing to do with her the day after anyway. Still have issues with one of her exes but that's a complicated story in itself.

The last year there has been no effort to fix the things that we both agree are broken. For her its defensiveness, wall building, rug sweeping, etc. I've stewed for a little over a year, and I'll accept any 2x4 for that. The last year has provided me, however, with the strength to say D is a possible outcome for us and if that happens life is not over, just changing.

There's been lots of triggers lately and some adversity directly related to the A that have put us back to the beginning. I have realized just how little progress FWW has made. Last Friday was an emotional day for her and I fell into my usual role as the caretaker of her feelings. Intentional or not the pattern has always been she gets upset and all progress stops. Yesterday I finally said enough. Said that she doesn't get to use her emotions like that anymore and my response to her was going to be "tough, time to put stop putting your feelings above mine". I haven't been successful at this in the past. Intentional or not her tearful meltdowns have always been a roadblock and I don't accept them anymore. For the first time in a long time I came out of one of our conversations feeling better, and stronger rather than sorry for having shared my issues.

Her road is much, much, much harder than mine at this point and I'm not accepting any more excuses for lack of progress. I have to give sisoon credit for one of his responses to me in a different thread that was incredibly helpful and wise.

Gently, hints are bullshit, and WSes are effed up. If you ask for specific actions, you'll see how committed she is to R.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Jrazz
♀ Guide
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 11:13 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ahh, this really does sound like a "Class of 2010/2011" issue. I also turn to sisoon for advice and "is it normal" tests when I'm not sure about where I am in the process.

At 3 years out, we're starting to feel like we should "be there" by now. We should have our answers. Stay or go? It feels like it should be clear by now.

It sounds like you had hopes/expectations for how this was going to progress, and your relationship is not where you want it to be. Is now the time to decide whether there's any hope for normalcy or happiness? I don't know. Sometimes I cling to the "5 years" marker so I can buy myself more time.

I will say that FWH still seems to be working on his issues, but there are times where I know I'm being dismissed with "okay, I get it" just so that I will shut up and stop bothering him.

In my case, I can do some more work to see where this is going. I have hope, today, that we can still figure things out.

I guess that's what it really comes down to - do you have any actual hope? Do you see flickers of progress when life-stress doesn't seem to set things back?


Cherish those who seek the truth but beware of those who find it. - François-Marie Arouet

Posts: 17864 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
hobbeskat
♀ Member
Member # 38805
Default  Posted: 11:23 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am also beginning to think we are not as far into R as I thought. MAJOR trigger today- the OW messaged me. And my WH's response? To get shouty, shout that this week has been shit then go to bed and leave me alone. I'm about to say enough. I'm glad you're putting boundaries and consequences down.

Posts: 308 | Registered: Mar 2013
FeelingMN
♂ Member
Member # 32240
Default  Posted: 1:53 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That sucks that he did that. fWW rug sweeps like that too although she doesn't shout, she just clams up and basically disappears from any conversation. I understand the all alone feeling though, all to well. I really think the difference for me is going to wind up being accepting of the fact that I don't need to stay in the relationship to be a happy person and have a happy life. I don't know how they sleep. I've told fWW that when she does that to me I'm mostly guaranteed a shitty night sleep and its pretty selfish.


Me 41
fWW 37
DD(19), DS(17), DD(11) (Mine, hers, ours)
Together 14y, Married 12
DDay Aug 2010, 4 mos TT & gaslighting
ONS + EA after 15yr Class reunion out of state

Posts: 267 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Minnesota
Topic Posts: 4

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