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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Being brave
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 9:55 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

MC this morning, wow, so hard, probably the most intense session ever.

I spoke openly and honestly about the options for me, the choice of paths I have.

How I could not choose the path of healing the marriage without an honest and decisive commitment from h to give 100% or to let me go.

Just be honest, be real, say what you are willing to do.

So hard, it still hurts even though I am ready to let go, it's not what I want.

I tried to emphasize to h that I am choosing to go through the pain of R, I am choosing to heal with him. Not because I am afraid not because I need it but because I want to, I love him. But, I am also choosing myself first. If he cannot, does not want to or is unwilling to work as hard as I am, then there is no sense continuing.

I cannot heal our marriage alone. I can only heal myself alone.

He was virtually silent on the ride home.

I asked if he could tell me what he is thinking, "NO"

I asked if he felt like running, "no but I don't feel like staying either".

MC tried to emphasize the necessity of going through the pain, no matter what happens with us. I don't think he sees.

I just don't know if he has it within him to face himself.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1081 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 10:08 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Can't accept, you are being brave. And I heard you. I am sorry he is not strong enough or remorseful enough or both to tell you the truth and be strong himself.

You are right though. He needs to be 100% committed. Take care of yourself. Keep being brave and healing yourself. Maybe he will come along, maybe it won't be too late.


D-day: Christmas 2011 when i saw a text from MarriedOW to WH
D-day 2: 3/28/2013: confessed phone sex over 10 years ago (2000 or 2001) with another OW

Married for over 14 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school


Posts: 1419 | Registered: Dec 2011
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 10:44 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It does feel brave to speak honestly about what you feel and not let the fear of the outcome hold you back.

I think it just comes from seeing your own worth. I deserve this and this is what I expect.

On some things in life there are just no compromised. Self respect is one of them.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1081 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 10:53 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cantaccept,

You can't love a WS back into an M.

I'm sorry you are taking in new pain from your H. I hope you stop, at least until he proves he's commited to R.


FBH (me) - 65+, FWW (her) - 65+, Married 45+, together almost 49 (as of January, 2014)
DDay - 12/2010
Almost Recovered
I share my own experience not because I'm a good model but because it's the only experience I know.

Posts: 8872 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:56 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh so true....

I could not choose the path of healing the marriage without an honest and decisive commitment from h to give 100% or to let me go.

Just be honest, be real, say what you are willing to do.

So hard, it still hurts even though I am ready to let go, it's not what I want.

I tried to emphasize to h that I am choosing to go through the pain of R, I am choosing to heal with him. Not because I am afraid not because I need it but because I want to, I love him. But, I am also choosing myself first. If he cannot, does not want to or is unwilling to work as hard as I am, then there is no sense continuing.

I cannot heal our marriage alone. I can only heal myself alone.

This is it ^^^^

It is so excruciatingly painful when you are willing to give 100%, but they just can't decide if they want to do the same.

How is it possible that we ended up here? That we love these men who can be so wrapped up in themselves that they can cause us devastating pain and not seem to truly "know" it?

It just destroys your belief and hope in love and commitment...

On being brave, my theme songs right now are: (for me) Brave by Sara Bareilles and (to him) Say Something by A Great Big World. I need to be brave in expressing my needs and wants and he needs to Say Something (cuz I'm giving up on him)....

((((cantaccept))))


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 20 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, MC/IC/FC,
He officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am trying so hard not to accept new pain.

How do you stop caring? I am ready to let the marriage and h go if he cannot meet the challenge.

I tell him honestly, yes I love you, yes I am willing to work this through with you.

Now I have said to him, I will not do this alone. I also told him I am at a point of it being too little too late.

I will be ok, it still hurts. I do not love casually and I guess those feelings won't go easily.

As I dream of a life just for me, for what I want it gets easier for me.

It is hard to stay detached from someone you love when you are in the same house.

Just time, 6 months and I will have my final answer.

I am taking steps to secure that new life. I am taking steps to insure that it is possible.

If he changes dramatically, maybe it won't be too late.

I am only going to discuss serious subjects in MC with him. If he wishes to share, I will listen. I am choosing to not expose myself any further.

It really is on him now, as it should have been in the beginning. My expectations were too low at the start, now they may be unattainable for him. It is time for him to show me or just move on.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1081 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
JKL Vikings
♂ Member
Member # 32094
Default  Posted: 11:30 AM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

cant
keep being brave.
we all have your back
He needs to get in, or get out. Doing things half-assed won't work


Her- Alpha Female 39
Me-FWH 41
Married since '02, together since 2000
D-day 2/10/2009
3 sons- J- born Oct 2001
K- born Sept. 2005
L- born Apr. 2008
We ALL have issues. It's how we deal with them that makes the difference

Posts: 508 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Dallas, TX
cantaccept
♀ Member
Member # 37451
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so much for the support. I really does mean so much to me.

This is such a hard road, no one that has not traveled it could ever understand the pain and conflicted emotions. Nothing is black and white, with every question comes a new question.

I am getting stronger. I have learned that being brave does not mean not having fear, it means doing what you know in your heart is the right thing and doing it in spite of the fear.

From blake, I think, "the pain of same has exceeded the pain of change", I remind myself of that over and over.

Sometimes it's easy to slip, to fall back into comfortable, familiar. Then I remember the pain of same, the same pain over and over, now the only one that can change that is me. How I view me, how I respect me, how I value me determines how I will be valued by others. I will not accept abuse or mistreatment. I want it real or nothing at all.


Life is change. Growth is optional. Choose wisely.

I would now like to be known as Can!

dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013

attempted R, it was all a lie

divorcing


Posts: 1081 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: Connecticut
Topic Posts: 8

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