So I guess I'm just trying to get the guilt off my chest. I can't undo what I've done. I told the BW that I would show my remorse by staying out of her life forever. I also told her I would answer any questions she had but other than that--it was on her terms. My husband also contacted her from his work email, so she knows it's not from me, saying HE will let her know if he ever finds that I've broken NC--if she desires.
So I have so much guilt for what I've done to this family, there is nothing more I can do, but I have my own family to worry about. So why can't I shake this?
My wife was contacted by her AP's wife. It wasn't easy for her.
It sounds like you and your husband are handling the NC well. Give them space, give them privacy. You can't fix them. Yes you contributed to the destruction of their marriage, but you can't fix that. You can only work on fixing you and your marriage. That is where the focus needs to be.
Like I said my situation was a little different b/c BH didn’t exactly agree that it was any of her business or that I was to blame for any of their issues, as they had already filed for divorce and were just waiting on the 90 days to be up.
It's unfortunate for the OBS that she still believes your AP's lies, but that's their problem. You and BH did the right thing informing her and providing proof. Hopefully she'll ultimately transition from shock and denial to acceptance and anger, but that's not for you to worry about. Let it go. Feeling guilt over the pain you helped cause AP's family, though, that's healthy. It shows you have a conscience.
I'd sit there and take it. I did. although the BW was nice about it. Get this behind you and then put your energy where you need to = your marriage.
She just needed you to listen, not necessarily take that all on...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
You have done all you can do at this point to inform the OBS and that's all you can do. It is up to her to deal with her WH now. He is just as much to blame as you are. It is now your job to heal yourself, your marriage, and your BH. That is enough of a job that you don't need to also concern yourself with the OBS. You have agreed to NC and that is truely all you can do for her. Now you need to put your thoughts and effort where it belongs.
As a BW, I was greatful at first that the AP contacted me and informed me about the A and answered some of my questions. Only after she continued the A and attempting to contact me and my WH#2 did I become angry with her and her attempts to break up my marriage and family. I basically just wanted her to go away and leave us alone.
I hope that helps a little with how you are feeling right now. I was an OW about 30yrs ago to BGF and I remember how quilty I felt after the fact, but I never contacted her and never broke NC with her WBF. I had my own life to get in order and it was his part to save or break his relationship with his BGF. I still feel guilty all these years later for the pain I caused someone I didn't even know, but I did what I thought was right and I don't regret how I handled it now. (((HUGS)))
I told the BW that I would show my remorse by staying out of her life forever.
As a BS, I think this is the only thing you can do for her and her children now. The OW in my case continues to show up at events that we attend, even though she has been living with someone else for almost four years now. Just last Friday, she approached my sister at a seminar and said "hello"! I believe because she has moved on and is super happy with her new man she believes we should all be "ok" now. This will never happen.
I cannot imagine worrying about your own family while also feeling this guilt. I believe the guilt shows you have deep remorse for the pain you caused an innocent woman and her family. It shows you have empathy for her even though she chose to believe her husband over you. I think you are going to be ok. Keep the focus on your family and let her take care of hers. Eventually, you will be able to let this go.
She didn't believe me anyway and he convinced her I was lying and trying to blackmail him...I still don't know all the lies he told her but I don't care anymore.
I think she was afraid to believe me and it's easier to deny it,and it's easier for her to think of me as the aggressive slut who seduced her innocent husband.
I would recommend writing her a letter but don't send it...just write it for yourself. After every thing happened I had a lot of anger towards my xap (and am still trying to work through it) so I wrote him a letter and it did make me feel better...
I hope it gets better for you!
I don't mean the guilt should consume you, but I think it will help you understand your responsibility, and is a sign of remorse. Telling her was the right thing to do, and leaving her (and her family) alone is as well.
You can't shake it, yet, because it's a big hurt. And I guess that although you may come to understand and forgive yourself, you may always feel remorse...and again, that's a good thing.
Strength to you to continue doing what is right.
cs2384 I've been curious about your reaction to the replies here. Any thoughts?