Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: formerlyjoyful (44597)

Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Triggering and feeling stupid after
knockedforsix
♀ Member
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 7:12 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

On the weekend we had to go away for a work/social party. My WH was able to do some work at the destination so his work picked up a business class airfare and I bought my ticket economy.

On the way up the airline upgraded me which was great but he kept going on about if they didn't upgrade me then he wanted me to take his seat. Problem is that he had travelled previously on the same planes with the OW and "to be nice" had swapped seats with her so she could travel business. This was before anything happened between them but I was uncomfortable about it at the time and now see it as part of the poor boundaries thing.

So I said - no thanks. I just don't want him to give me anything that he gave to her.

On the return journey I didn't get an upgrade but refused to change seats with him. He wouldn't listen to me that I didn't want too. I realise he thought he was being nice but he didn't get that because he had done it for the OW any sense of niceness or being special was completely destroyed.

He was so annoyed with me when we got off the plane and I just lost it in the terminal. I explained that I didn't want because I would have cried the whole way home.

He gets it now but I also feel stupid because really I allowed her to interfere in an otherwise lovely weekend.

Problem is I don't know how to stop these triggers escalating before I lose it.

Anyone got any tips?


Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 7:47 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First, you are perfectly normal. I know this is crazy making stuff...but you are not crazy.

Do what you are doing....for a bit this anger just has to come out. Over time you will learn to filter it a bit...how you do is kinda up to you.

I exercise, read, pray, and I post on here.

You are only 8 months or so past DD...I was raging pretty hard then.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair is great help if your husband is willing to do some of what it suggest. My wife did some, not all, and it helped.

God be with you.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 8:16 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dp NOT feel stupid. Triggers suck. Hell im fully Rd and had a major meltdown this weekend myself. I certainly don't feel like I was just being stupid. My H behaved poorly and I reacted. Simple as that.
The important thing is that we were able to discuss it, and resolve it.

When something triggers you, it is your responsibility to speak up, the sooner the better. So the time to say something about him trying to be generous and trade spots would have been after you landed. That way you can not make a big deal of it and prevent future attempts of him doing the same thing. You would have beenrrelaxed and so would he.

Something like "I don't want you to get upset but I have to tell you this so you don't make the same mistake again. When you try to ....it reminds me of.... so please even though you are being nice it hurt me and I would appreciate if you never do it again"

Not a big deal no major meltdown and now he knows. If you let things fester then it ends up being a big ordeal. They are not mind readers ss my H is fond of reminding me.

Forget the drama and remember the great weekend you had


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8089 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
knockedforsix
♀ Member
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 8:18 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Blakesteele but its actually more like 2.5 years. My husband has done everything I asked and more but I still lose it more often than I would like.

It worries me that I still have this much anger.


Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
AFrayedKnot
♂ Member
Member # 36622
Default  Posted: 8:20 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is anything to feel stupid about. I believe triggers will come up here or there the rest of my life. I think the best way to handle triggers is to get them out in the open asap. The more I try to control them or suppress them the stronger they get. The more honest and open I am about them the quicker they pass.

Could you have mentioned that switching seats would trigger you right off the bat?


BS 39
fWS 36 (SurprisinglyOkay)
DD DS
A whole bunch of shit that got a lot worse before it got better.
"Knowing is half the battle"

Posts: 2553 | Registered: Aug 2012
Clarrissa
♀ Member
Member # 21886
Default  Posted: 8:25 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWS here. Hope you don't mind.

You should never, *ever* have to apologize for triggering. Triggers could be described as akin to Tourettes. They can hit out of nowhere and there's no controlling them this soon out. You didn't create the circumstances that cause them, your WH did so he should *not* get angry when you do trigger. Ideally, he should be proactive in helping you avoid them. Sometimes it's as simple as *thinking* about what might cause you to trigger. He may have genuinely thought he was being nice in offering to switch seats and if there had been no A you could have accepted it in that spirit. But he *knew* you knew of his offer to do the same for OW. He either didn't see or refused to see the connection and see that it could/would trigger you. He didn't *think*.

[This message edited by Clarrissa at 8:27 PM, October 7th (Monday)]


BH Cee64D - 48
WW (me) - 49


All affairs are variations on a theme. No one has 'Beethoven's 5th' to everyone else's 'Chopsticks'.


Posts: 5875 | Registered: Dec 2008 | From: A better place
knockedforsix
♀ Member
Member # 31383
Default  Posted: 8:32 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree that he just didn't think but goodness I am so sick of that wrung out feeling I get after I trigger badly. It leaves me flat and depressed for days.

Will this thing never end....


Me BS 49
Him WS 55
Married 13 years together 14
D Day 13 Feb 11
R going well despite the odd setback. Starting to believe we will make it.

Posts: 63 | Registered: Mar 2011 | From: Australia
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 6:36 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry for the misunderstanding on my part.

I saw the 13 above the Feb 11 and thought it was Feb 13.

Apparently I don't listen to the written word much better then the spoken word.

Still doesn't change the fact that I don't think you are stupid.

I am only 13 months into this...don't know what I will be like in the future. Glad to see other members with longer R experience chiming in.

Peace to us all.

God be with us all.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3594 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
MJane
♀ Member
Member # 40571
Default  Posted: 7:07 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Knockedfor6 I hear you - I read in mails to/from OW how my husband cooked certain meals and desserts for her (same ones I used to get when he was feeling romantic) - refuse to have either of them now given the association....it may seem silly but ultimately it isn't - it was something he have her which will now be forever linked in my mind to her and it now means nothing to me. He is responsible for that and maybe, one day, Ill see those meals as "just" plates of food but not anytime soon...

Posts: 236 | Registered: Sep 2013
TheAmazingWondertwin
♀ Member
Member # 40769
Default  Posted: 7:19 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Something like "I don't want you to get upset but I have to tell you this so you don't make the same mistake again. When you try to ....it reminds me of.... so please even though you are being nice it hurt me and I would appreciate if you never do it again"

This works for me as well. I try to tell him immediately. We have sort of code words to get through that particular moment ("no good", "yah, that wont work", or "moving on"). This lets him know that I know we are in public but he needs to stop pushing whatever it is he is trying to get me to do and just move on. I hate that him trying to be nice can trigger me...but, that isn't my fault. Once a code word is used, we know that later, after the kids are down and we are settled in and in a good spot to talk, we can address what the actual trigger was.
We are only 9 weeks in, so I am absolutely not a guru by ANY means. But, I am just sharing what works for me right now.
I have tried to let go of the guilt about triggers. I cannot control what my brain does.
I have also accepted that this will always be here. Always.
Always.
I have talked with him about that too. I will do my best to not let it rule everything, but from my early standpoint- it is hard to see a time when it doesn't color things.


Everyday is a new day, some good, some bad.
Me- BS 39
Him- FWS
14 years- 2 middle school children
DDay- 07-24-2013
NC broken from August 6- 24, 2013
Avalanche of Truth on November 14, 2013
Length of A: June 10th to Dday- with broken NC

Posts: 474 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: East Coast
Crazyman642
♂ New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 8:41 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I apologize, after reading my response I felt I was hijacking your thread so I deleted my answer.

Tiggers don't get easier, they get easier to hide and hopefully the emotional sting and bite becomes less with time.

[This message edited by Crazyman642 at 8:54 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
UndecidedinMA
♀ Member
Member # 33732
Default  Posted: 8:47 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realise he thought he was being nice but he didn't get that because he had done it for the OW any sense of niceness or being special was completely destroyed

ITA with tush, when these things come up, speak up & explain. My MC/IC worked with for awhile getting me to see he can't read my mind. I need to communicate with him just like I want him to with me.

If you sit & stew you have those blow ups & communication is broken.

I understand the trigger, they just suck.


ME - BSO
Him - FWSO
OW - DBC Xwife
DDAY 09/14/11 ONS w/DBCxWOW with 4 mos EA
Solidly in R

Posts: 997 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: MA
Topic Posts: 12

Return to Forum: Reconciliation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.