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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Retrouvaille
Kimintexas
♀ New Member
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ok, we are going this weekend. What exactly will happen (program wise)? We had a really good connected weekend and now my WH has been a bit disconnected and wishy washy tonight. Trying to just get through this week.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
jo2love
♀ Moderator
Member # 31528
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The link below is to a thread on Retrouvaille. You may find it helpful.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=509383


Posts: 35167 | Registered: Mar 2011
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 10:18 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have had an interest in this for the past 8 months...schedules have not allowed us to attend, plus my wife has been luke warm on the idea...so I get what you state regarding your fWH.

In our state some family courts require this to be attended before a D is granted....I think this bodes well for the intensity and power of this retreat.

If you don't mind...could you please post your experience for those of us considering signing up for it?

God be with you both.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3663 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:30 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Blake, if your wife is concerned that anyone will know exactly why you are there, don't worry, they won't. We all understand that we are there because our marriages have suffered a crisis, but no one knows what that specifically is.

You don't have to share anything with the group at all. If you want you can, but you don't have to. And, really there is only a couple of times that there is a "sharing" time, no pressure.

Most of what you will be doing is very private and just between you and your wife. It really was a fantastic weekend. My FWH (who was doing it for me) had many revelations about himself and found himself way more into the whole process than even I was.


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kimintexas
♀ New Member
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 10:44 PM, October 7th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sister Milkshake-
Not sure if this makes sense but did your Fwh seem to disconnect before going? My husband just seems nervous or absent and kind of wishy washy about it all of a sudden.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry, kim, went to bed after I posted and didn't see your question.

My FWH seemed nervous and apprehensive, didn't know what he was getting himself into. We aren't religious at all, so there was that aspect that he was concerned about, but the just not knowing what it was going to be like was a concern. But, overall, no he didn't seem to disconnect.

I was a little nervous, too, but more excited. I wouldn't be too concerned on how your WH is feeling right now as long as he doesn't back out.

I don't know if I told my FWH this or not, but I know I thought it. If it was really horrible and I felt that it wasn't for us I knew we could leave. Could your WH be feeling like he maybe trapped?


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 7:40 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have to head into work, but I wanted to send a quick response. We just did Retrouvaille last weekend. Our DDay was June 2013, therefore we were about 4 months out, which was a good time for me because I was starting to climb out of the pit of despair and my emotions were leveling off.

We aren't religious. There are very few religion undertones and we were very comfortable.

There isn't anything to worry about. I HATE getting attention drawn to me and the Sister is right, they don't ask you to share anything and they know nothing about your story. They only assume your marriage is in trouble. WH was of course nervous and that first night all the couples look tense, but the next morning everyone had settled in.

They have presenting couples that tell their story. And how they tell their stories will be moving. For the most part you sit and listen and reflect. Your reflections are with each other in private.

Even though my emotions were leveling off, I was still mainly in the hurt and negative stage. I was entering R, but I felt we were doomed, but just listening to other couples made my mind start to shift.

Many of us have supportive families and friends, but there is something about strangers who have no idea who you are and no idea what your story is, but they are invested in your marriage. They will tell you more about their marriage then their families and friends know.

We are both in IC and MC and I thought we were making progress, but looking back after this weekend, it would have taken us months and dozens of MC sessions to get us where one weekend of Retrouvaille got us.

I would recommend it for anyone, you don't want to regret that you didn't try it. We turned a corner that weekend, but it is still up to us to keep moving forward.


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2013
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 8:32 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second what SMS and ILINIA said. My husband was more keen to go than I was, and it was his idea. It was hard work but it was worth it.

KiminTexas, maybe your husband is just nervous. Have you told him you think he's disconnecting?

Try to make it to the post sessions too if you can, because they expand on the weekend experience. We recently helped out with post-sessions for a new group of couples and were able to go back and see how far we've come between then and now. My anger and resentment was very apparent then.

it would have taken us months and dozens of MC sessions to get us where one weekend of Retrouvaille got us.

Same here.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
Crazyman642
♂ New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 9:13 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your posts are awesome and encouraging. We are looking into a variety of marraige seminars and retreats. most of which cost a bloody fortune..

Our DDay was 8/12/13. When do you think is too soon? We spoke to MC and she directed us away for now. But when???


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
DixieD
♀ Member
Member # 33457
Default  Posted: 9:30 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyman, why did MC turn you away? Is your wife in IC?

If your wife isn't remorseful or still in affair mindset, it can be hard, but still valuable.

I don't think it's too soon to try. It may be good for you to go before you hit the anger stage (if you've not there yet) because it will give you something solid to build on later when/if things get tougher. If that makes sense.

Depending on where you live you may have to wait months for a Retrouvaille weekend to take place. That will give you more time too. We found it much cheaper in the long run to attend Retrouvaille than MC sessions.


Growing forward

Posts: 1767 | Registered: Sep 2011
StillStanding1
♀ Member
Member # 40144
Default  Posted: 10:17 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was ready to try it right away, but it took my WH a little while to agree. He still hadn't ended the A when he moved out, but "cooled" it while we looked at possible R. We went mid-April (about 2 months post-Dday).

It is a wonderful, introspective, sharing weekend. Lots of writing. Lots of talking with your spouse. Lots of listening (to the presenters and to your spouse). I think MANY couples are leery and anxious going in. They actually have a term --the "Friday Night Couples". There is a very noticeable difference in the couples from Friday to Sunday. Couples that would barely look at each other and seemed seething with anger... later I would see a gentle touch, a kind smile, laughter, some genuine affectionate outreaches to their spouse. Watching the changing body language gave me hope.

You never have to share anything personal with the group. You have a small opportunity if you want it, but there is no pressure at all. Everything is geared toward listening, learning, and applying new communication techniques in private with your spouse.

There is honestly nothing to fear. If you both go in with a somewhat open mind and are willing to talk with each other, you will be fine. The couples that struggled were the ones that were so "done" that they refused to communicate. There's not too much that the presenters can do about that. They are not counselors or professionals - they are simply people who fixed their troubled M's and want to try to help others. Their stories can be profound and make you feel less alone and give you hope for the future...

Enjoy it. It was a wonderful reconnecting weekend for us. We haven't kept up with the "homework" since then, which has certainly led us down a path of less communication now. My advice: Stick with the program! Good luck.


Me: 40s BS, Him: 40s WH
M 21 yrs - 3 teens
LTA = 2+ yrs, Dday = 2/10/13, he moved out, he officially moved back in 1/25/14 and our work continues...

Posts: 678 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: MidWest
Kimintexas
♀ New Member
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 10:22 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We are about 6 weeks out from d day. We have not been doing any counseling as our last attempt was unsuccessful. She was really crappy about billing and because of that we got screwed insurance wise and that made me somewhat apprehensive. I did find out that when I decided to stop the counseling last year, he pretty much checked out and was planning divorce and started his emotional affair after a year of being emotionally absent.


He stayed with a friend last night and said he had a lot to think about and I think I internalize and freak out that "a lot to think about" means I don't love you.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 2:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think the staying with a friend would freak me out wayyyyy more than his apprehension. I hope you have a wonderful retreat and it helps your M in surprise ways. I'm seriously considering signing us up.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 4:15 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He's not ready for Retrou, it sounds like he might be one of the many people that walk out and never come back.... it happens often. If a WS isn't truly remorseful, fully committed to R, then Retrou is just a waste of time. It's actually not counseling at all, so I hope you don't go in there with the thought that you'll have some major infidelity breakthroughs. It's run by couples just like us who've been there, done that, and learned to communicate about it better. I didn't get as much from it as my H did, but I've never had a problem with communication. It changed my H's life though, and that's a fact.

I would always recommend waiting until at least 6 months out to try anything like this with a fully committed spouse, otherwise, it's very intense and might not be a right fit for your situation. At 6 weeks out, you hardly really know what your "situation" truly is.

I hope I'm wrong for your sake.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 4:50 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I didn't get as much from it as my H did, but I've never had a problem with communication. It changed my H's life though, and that's a fact.
I would always recommend waiting until at least 6 months out to try anything like this with a fully committed spouse, otherwise, it's very intense and might not be a right fit for your situation.
I agree with doesitgetbetter on both of these statements. I didn't realize you were only 6 weeks out from d-day. I don't want to discourage you, but I know we wouldn't have been ready for Retrouvaille at 6 weeks from d-day.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 4:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9652 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Kimintexas
♀ New Member
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 5:04 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I actually ok w/him staying with a friend. He is trusted and it feels safe for him to have a place to go where the person is advocating for our marriage to stay intact.

He called this morning and I have gotten a few sweet texts from him today.

This is yucky.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
ILINIA
♀ Member
Member # 39836
Default  Posted: 5:26 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every situation and couple are different and I think it would be hard to say when is a good time to go.

My WH came completely clean on dday and focused on doing everything right. We did not have any TT that set us back. He arranged for us to go to Retrouvaille at 2 months out and I know at even 3 months out I was still really hostile. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to R, much less go to Retrouvaille. About 2 weeks before, I finally felt like I could attempt to R.

I would see what dates are available to you, as that may limit when you can go.

To be successful, the A has to be done and NC established. He should also be out of the "fog" and both of you need to be willing to work on the M.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 5:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Entering R slowly and cautiously...

Posts: 465 | Registered: Jul 2013
Crazyman642
♂ New Member
Member # 40754
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I had an offer i could not refuse so we are starting with an IMAGO retreat this weekend. It will be good as they focus on childhood trauma as a reason for adult personality treats and decisions. I think it is a BIG PART of what is wrong with my WW. ? If she says she is sorry and NC is not an issue as the OP is dead, (not me, massive heart attack after it ended)she seems committed to wanting R. When do you call them FWW? Not sure where I stand on the label...


ME: BS
HER: FWW
DDay #1: August 12, 2013
Two Beautiful Children 12, and 4
Married 12 years
Not sure where I am or what I am going to do.

Posts: 46 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: VA
doesitgetbetter
♀ Member
Member # 18429
Default  Posted: 7:28 PM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Crazyman, IMAGO is just like Retrou in terms of their communication techniques, but it has the follow through and repairing of issues that Retrou does not. Retrou changed my H's life, but IMAGO saved him, and me.


DDay - Dec '07
Me - BS
Him - FWS
Us - Committed
May 18, 2010 - I forgave him fully!
"Behold, I have refined thee, but not with silver; I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction." Isaiah 48:10

Posts: 3859 | Registered: Feb 2008
Kimintexas
♀ New Member
Member # 40781
Default  Posted: 1:04 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was an amazing weekend. After some of the posts here I was nervous that we were not ready but I have to tell you I absolutely believe this has changed the course of our marriage.

We still have A LOT to work through but the man I was married to on Friday is not the one I brought home on Sunday.


Posts: 17 | Registered: Sep 2013
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