I can so relate to the term "mistake", it still makes me angry.
A mistake is an addition error, a mistake is unintentional. An affair is deliberate, it is a choice. Every action is a choice.
Maybe a new MC? They are definitely not created equal. I started IC immediately after dday, the first two counselors were a joke.
The first tried to intimidate me, shut down conversations and added in some humiliation.
The second would not let me express any emotion at all. The first sign of a tear and he was trying to make me listen to the clock tick.
I finally on the third try found a great IC that we now use for MC and H will be starting IC with him also.
How about IC for you also?
Triggers are hell. It gets a bit easier once you learn what will trigger you but I still find I get "surprised" with a new one on occasion.
My IC suggests just letting it pass through me, don't fight it, feel it and at the same time try to remember it will pass, it is not happening now.
I know, not very comforting when you just want it all to be gone, to not "be" at all, but these small things do help just to get you through.
Music seem to trigger me also, I have always listened to the words. The music catches me but the words hold me. My h says much the same as your w. He doesn't pay attention to the words. I guess we are all different.
Have you read any books together? Is she remorseful, do you feel that from her?
A good one for her if she hasn't read it is "how to helpf your spouse heal from your affair", it is short, basic but very to the point.
Also, has she been on SI? Is she really working on herself? Is she doing everything that you need, or most?
I am struggling also with the outcome of all of this. What helps me now is focusing on myself, being a little selfish and doing things that make me happy. Even if it's not making dinner one night.
Also, I have been holding on to the thought that the only decision right now is that I do not have to decide anything right now. I can decide when I am ready to decide.
Post often, it helps to not feel alone.