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Wayward Side Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Alone time anxiety
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 9:58 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We have had date nights and have been doing things together a lot more. She actually acts somewhat excited about it. At first its all I wanted to do.


However, I get anxiety over it lately. The time when its just the two of us I can't help but feel like crap. Its on my mind nearly every second. I look across the table and at her face and think what a horrible thing I did to her. And every second I am wondering, is she thinking about it right now?

It gets me down a little, and I try to fake it. I hope this is just a stage.

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 9:59 AM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
1DumbHusband
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sadly if your experience is like mine, it's not a stage but a new reality. I often have days like you mention. My BS wants me to tell her when I have those moments so she can see how much I am disgusted and distraught by my own actions. You might talk to your BS and see if she feels the same. I often times feel I shouldn't vocalize my pain because I was the offender. I realize that I am allowed to feel and express my pain but I often times feel her pain is more important than my own.


Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
changedlife
♂ New Member
Member # 40394
Default  Posted: 12:23 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have just started thinking like that recently also. Before, I was worried about what she was thinking when we were together. Now I think about my actions all day long. I think of all the pain I've caused her and how much it has changed her from her fun, loving self. I think think about the affair, the lies, and how much I hate the person I became. I guess the reality of who I really was set in. Before I was trying to ignore it and hope everything would blow over. I was worried about her getting better and not focusing on me changing to be better.

[This message edited by changedlife at 12:25 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


Posts: 42 | Registered: Aug 2013
Taurus517
♂ Member
Member # 37958
Default  Posted: 10:23 PM, October 20th (Sunday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand how you are feeling. Everyday I think to myself what is she thinking since everyday is a trigger because I created this new reality. I hate what I did and have become, I know I'm better than who I was and I don't want to be that person anymore. Reality is that I have caused all this anger, depression, sadness, confusion, and so on. I destroyed the life that she knew and became this monster. I think about all the shit I created everyday now and it hurts. Each day is a new day to do better and learn.


Me: WS 31
A : 17 months
Her : BS/WS 26 (ShockedErica11)
A: 3 months
DD : 3
Relationship : 4
Married : 2
DDay : November 2012
Her DDay : June 2013

Posts: 71 | Registered: Dec 2012 | From: Chamblee
OnAnIsland
♀ Member
Member # 34319
Default  Posted: 8:00 AM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell your bs about your feelings. That you are plagued by thoughts about what you have done. Let your bs tell you whether they want to hear these things from you as they occur. I was floored to hear from my WH that one of the things he has been struggling with in IC has been the shame and guilt. Because he does not share this stuff with me. It would help a lot to know that I am not the only one whose life is ruled by this mess. And to hear the regret and remorse.


D-day: Christmas 2011
D-day 2: 3/28/2013

Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou


Posts: 1479 | Registered: Dec 2011
flup
♂ Member
Member # 21259
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

BS here, I hope that's okay.

I wish my fWW would open up to me and tell me when (if?) she's thinking what you're thinking. You can bet she's thinking about it, personally, I'd welcome the discussion.

Good Luck!


Me: BS 55
Her: fWW 50

D-Day #1: 12 Aug. 2008. WW's 2nd affair w/college teacher.
D-Day #2: 18 June 2009. Affair #1 with neighbor was fall of 2002 - while I was coping with the fallout from 9/11.
Still trying to R.
22 years married


Posts: 430 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: Ohio
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 11:45 PM, October 21st (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Its on my mind nearly every second. I look across the table and at her face and think what a horrible thing I did to her. And every second I am wondering, is she thinking about it right now?

If this is how my WH feels I wish he'd share it with me. Just knowing he thinks about the pain the A caused, without me bringing it up first, would help me get though some of the hard times. Then I'd be closer to believing he really understood & cared about me.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
unforgivable5
♂ Member
Member # 38797
Default  Posted: 11:29 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for the responses, its comforting to hear other WS's having similar feelings, and so great to hear from BS's perspective.

So here is what I know. I can't hide from my feelings, and keeping them in, trying to bury them or not dealing with them is part of what got me here in the first place. I am striving to have an intimate relationship with my wife. Intimacy is honesty. So I talk to my wife about how and what I feel. And she does the same.

Things are better since we have talked about it. Date yesterday was near perfect.

So yes, what OnAnIsland, flup, and Soconfusednow said. thank you.

[This message edited by unforgivable5 at 11:30 AM, October 22nd (Tuesday)]


WH
D-day 3/4/13

Posts: 80 | Registered: Mar 2013
mrmarx
♂ New Member
Member # 38357
Default  Posted: 8:56 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my experience, talking about my own feelings of shame and regret have opened the channel of communication for good real conversation. There is no quick fix for situations like this, this new reality is draining...but those moments when things almost seem normal again are so special. Don't fake how you feel...you need to be honest with your BS and continue building trust and transparency.


Christ what a year!

Posts: 37 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Aus
soconfusednow
♀ Member
Member # 40078
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 22nd (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Things are better since we have talked about it. Date yesterday was near perfect.

so glad to here that.


D-Day January 2013
prior EA in the 90's
me 50
WH 52
NC-several
last broken NC 7/2013 (hopefully)
Married 29 years
2 kids
Want to believe it's over, but is it really? Will I ever trust again?

Posts: 317 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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