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Newest Member: totalshock46 (44575)

Just Found Out Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Found out yesterday
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well just found out my fiance is texting other girls. He is always with me and never goes out so i truly believe he is not physically cheating. Non the less why is he texting other girls innapropriate things. We have a great sex life and life in general. We spend tons of time together and find each other very attractive. I am so hurt! We have 3 kids. 9, and 15 month old twin boys. I confronted him last night and he is so sorry and says he doesn't know why he does this and will do anything to re gain my trust. I can't stop crying. I don't know if I can ever trust him again

Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
meplusfour
♀ Member
Member # 38958
Default  Posted: 11:37 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. The actions of your fiance are in no way due to you or your life together. He is the only one responsible for what he has done. I know it's hard, it seems overwhelming at this point to even think about the future. But right now, just take care of yourself and your children. Make sure that you and your children stay hydrated and eat. If you are having trouble sleeping or coping, consider seeing your primary care physician for medication. As a mother of three, you need to be rested. Do you have any friends or family that you can confide in and provide support? If so, rely on them.

Read in the Healing Library (in the yellow box, top left corner). In the Healing Library, there is a wealth of information and advice. In the early days, those articles helped me understand and process all of my emotions~anger, rage, hurt, sadness.

Take your time. You have been dealt a devastating blow. Is your fiance remorseful? Has he given you total transparency (access to phone, emails, etc.)? Is he willing to figure out what led him to his actions through individual counselling, reading and self reflection? Has he gone NC with the OW?

Sending you strength.


BW (me)42
WH 44
3 daughters, 1 son
Married 10 years, together 13
DDay 3/14/2013, four year PA
In R
"Sometimes you have to accept the fact that certain things will never go back to the way they used to be."

Posts: 356 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Canada
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is so so so overwhelming right now. I can't stop crying because of the hurt. It is so easy for others to say LEAVE HIM. But I think that would be too easy.

I am taking care of myself and trying to remember to eat. My kids don't know anything because we do not yell, we had a calm talk in our bedroom.

He was 100% sorry and said I can have his phone, ipad or anything else. But honestly I don't want to live that way. If I have to make it a daily chore to go through your emails then whats the point.

I have a best friend that I have been talking to about it and she supports my decision either way. I just hate to break up a home with 3 kids if he truly can change.

Will the heart break go away? Will I be able to smile again in his presence. I don't want him to touch me, the thought of intimacy makes me sick.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 11:56 AM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovemy3boys,

If you decide to work this out with your WBF and he is remorseful then the heart ache will subside a bit. I hear that it takes about three to five years to heal.

I know how you feel. I don't like making a daily chore of going through emails and text messages, but it does help you to know he is behaving and it keeps him from returning to his selfish ways. I am not saying this would be forever but for a while, only IMO, it seems necessary.

I wish you so much comfort and send many hugs to you.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 12:01 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If i knew he was physical with someone else then I would be gone and he knows I won't deal with that.

Oh let me mention that we are due to get married on 11/12/13...do I cancel it??????


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
Josephine01
♀ Member
Member # 38511
Default  Posted: 12:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lovemy3boys,

IMO, I would postpone the marriage until you feel more comfortable. Even though it is too early for you to make any decisions about leaving the relationship. It seems like it might be to early to jump into it head first too.


Me, 42 BS
H, 61 WH
2 boys 19 and 15 years old
Married 24 years

Posts: 314 | Registered: Feb 2013
doggiemom12
Member
Member # 36041
Default  Posted: 2:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don't marry this man. You have children to consider. Do you want to me in a nasty custody/divorce situation?

Just cut your losses and leave him now. It will not get better. He is broken and you cannot fix him.

Please, just run - now while you can do it easily.


White bird must fly or she will die . . .

Posts: 268 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: in divorce land
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My first reaction to these "just found out" stories is usually a standard "leave him (or her)!" Every now and again I read an account that triggers a much different response - yours is one such account. I guess some additional information is necessary. For instance, you mention the two of you have a 9-year-old together so I assume that the child is both of yours and that you've been together for at least 9 years now. That's a long time. Has anything like this ever happened before? If this is the first time this has happened, perhaps your fiance is dealing with some mental instability right now? Figuring out what's causing him to seek the attention of other women is important right now and the only way he'll be able to discover the answer(s) to that question is through working with a professional in therapy. Perhaps, as others here have suggested, you can postpone the wedding indefinitely, making both successful progress in independent counseling as well as couple's counseling a condition for setting a date. It's important to be able to quantify what "successful progress" equates to, and that should be based on your comfort level - for instance, "we will set a date when I feel comfortable with the progress you've made in your independent counseling as well as the progress we've made as a couple in our couple's counseling."

Your fiance obviously needs to learn and implement proper boundaries when dealing with forces outside the relationship. Until he has, he is NOT a safe person to which you should tie yourself even tighter than you already are tied. There is hope, however, if he's TRULY willing to do the hard work - this will be apparent in his ACTIONS, not his WORDS.


Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
OK now
♀ Member
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 8:23 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Given he is very remorseful [offered to give up his texting toys] I would definitely give him another chance. You have 3 children and I suspect that the pressures of family life and how the kids suck all of your available time, have led him off the straight and narrow.

As for the marriage date wait a couple of weeks and see how his remorse is holding up.


Posts: 1704 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 6:07 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

anewday78-This is a tough situation because he didn't physically cheat, so what proof will I have that he doesn't start texting girls again.

I keep going back and forth between just giving up and then staying. I tell myself that I don't want to lose my family we have built but the other side of me feels so disrespected and hurt that I just want to tell him "F YOU" and run.

With 3 kids I will see him for the rest of my life.

He is so remorseful its crazy, he says he will do anything to save his family. His insurance covers counseling so that is great! Should we go together or should he go alone?


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 6:09 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

UPDATE: I decided to text the girl he was texting dirty stuff to.

first she said they just chatted about tattoos-LIE

I told her i read their conversation and did she know we have 3 kids and are due to be married next month? She said YES.

I was very nice to her as this is NOT her fault, I just want her to be aware of how texting a very taken man can ruin his family.

She was very sorry but swore they never did anything but text.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
anewday78
♂ Member
Member # 39357
Default  Posted: 6:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally, I think he needs to spend some alone time with a counselor to get to the bottom of why he did this. Once he has some answers for you, that's when you can start going to couple's counseling.
You can make sure he's not texting anybody else through random phone checks - he hands all his communication devices over to you whenever you ask for them FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE.

Posts: 350 | Registered: May 2013
TarnishedSilver
♀ Member
Member # 37166
Default  Posted: 6:58 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this.
Look at this as a warning, ask him questions and keep track of his phone, computer and such.
There is always a reason behind things we all do, he needs to get some IC before you marry.

My fwh started cheating on me 6 months into our relationship and it never stopped for 10 years. I was completely in he dark. It was like he had a secret life. Back then we didn't have cell phones and computers so it would have been hard to find out.

Just saying, after much experience, make sure he truly knows the reason for his actions before you get married.

Take care of yourself


Me-BS (47)
Him-WH (48)
Married 26 years together 31
2 teenagers
Dday #1- 2/20/2011
Dday #2- 1/08/2012

Healing myself is now my top priority.


Posts: 156 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: USA
momentintime
♀ Member
Member # 16394
Default  Posted: 12:54 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He must explore why he needs the attention he gets from the dirty texts. This is his problem and he needs to understand how it affects you and your future. No rugsweeping or minimizing the consequences because if not dealt with it will reoccur.


BS-me FWS - him
D-day 8/04
R'd

"Global editing disclaimer - I edit almost everything I post, and I am not going to post why every time."...re: Bionical girl


Posts: 2923 | Registered: Sep 2007 | From: New York
lovemy3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 40920
Default  Posted: 2:38 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

momentintime-I agree! He is calling for counseling tomorrow luckily insurance covers it.

His answer to why he did it was "I honestly don't know" so I told him if he doesn't know then he needs help.

If this happens again I will not take him back again. Our life is so great and we have 3 great kids, it is his loss if he destroys that again.


Posts: 14 | Registered: Oct 2013 | From: florida
Topic Posts: 15

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