Today I am soooo sad and angry. Let me tell you about last year at this time and why I am so upset. I keep going over the details of last year and I just canít stop. The OW has the same exact birthday as my son (damn her) and last year I thought she was my best friend so I tried to be a good friend; I agonized over what present to buy her, discussed it with my husband (who unbeknownst to me gave her a book as her birthday gift) and we all went to the mall to buy the gift I decided on. Then I even baked her her favorite kind of cupcakes. I baked my husbandís whore cupcakes for her birthday, he watched me do this and said not one word about how she didnít fucking deserve it, nor did he say anything while I was wrapping his whoreís birthday gift.
Then on the actual day of the shared birthday we made plans to go to Chuck E. Cheese and let our son play and have a little family party there. I called the OW to see if she wanted to come over after the party to hang out with my husband and I. I didnít want her to come to my sonís party, I just wanted it to be family, but as usual, she guilt-tripped me (she was very good at that) into letting her come to the party and I was not at all happy about it. The stupid whore always had a tendency of acting very emo and bringing everyone down so I didnít want her there. Even knowing that I didnít want her there and that I only gave in to letting her come because I was trying to be nice, a good friend, my husband said nothing. He once again didnít tell me that she was not my friend and I shouldnít bother being nice to her, instead he allowed his whore to come to our sonís birthday party.
Despite her presence we had so much fun that day, who doesnít have fun watching an excited two-year old? We took pictures and played games as a family, we had cake and joked about the really cheesy decorations; I felt so in love, with my husband and our little family, I thought everything was perfect.
Now looking back on it, it all just seems so horrible that I was the smiling, clueless fool who sat by and hung out with two people who were spitting on me and treating me worse than dirt. There are so many memories like this from last year. I had no idea what was going on and I thought last year was such a perfect one, I felt so in love, our son was so cute everything seemed happy.
I know logically that I am remembering things as better than they were but how do I reconcile that feeling with what the truth was? How? And why? Why, even if they were crazily madly hopelessly in love with each other and just couldnít live without each other ((which according to WH was not the case) did they have to do that to me? A relationship between them I can almost understand, but the lies, the deceit and the disrespect, the absolute disregard for me as a thinking feeling human being is what I cannot comprehend. And I wonder, what does this level of disregard for me say about my husband? I know about the fog of an affair and all that and how it makes a person act in a dismissive and hurtful way toward their spouse but it is still so hard to stomach.
Does anyone else struggle with this? I am sure you all do. How are you coping with it? How did you live with staying with someone who has treated you this way? I am so sad and angry and worried that I will never be able to truly reconcile and for some reason, despite everything that is what I want to do; I still love my husband. Anyway, sorry this was so long, I hope some of you have some insight or even just commiseration. Thank you to whoever reads this.
"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy
Hugs mama - enjoy your baby boy and disregard the husband for now.
Like you, I have memories of an OW hanging out with us. It adds another layer of...astonish is all I can say. To be completely in shock that not one but two people can sit by your side, pretending they are part of your safe circle and instead they are your biggest danger.
All I can say is grace...giving someone something they don't deserve. Because I can't imagine a time or place that such actions would be acceptable.
❣I hope my issues don't discourage ur healing. I've buried a lot & my WH hasn't done his part in R❣
not one but two people can sit by your side, pretending they are part of your safe circle and instead they are your biggest danger.
This is exactly how I feel about it too, how could they both sit there, smiling laughing and lying to my face? It makes me feel like such garbage.
@ sparklezombie: Thank you, I am going to try, I am having a hard time with this pregnancy and am worried so much about it. My last pregnancy I was happy all the time, it was the product of a loving happy marriage and my husband was awesome during it and the first few months of our son's life, even helping me to breastfeed when I could barely keep my eyes open after my c-section. He was amazing and I am having such trouble reconciling that caring man with the one who fucked my "best friend" for 6 months behind my back. I feel weird about this pregnancy, whereas the last one was a planned result of a loving marriage, this one is the product of a broken unhappy marriage and hysterical bonding. It is all just so different. I am trying to be happy about but I am just so sad all the time.
[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 2:41 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]
Here's the tricky part, what they did, and how they went about it, that is all on them. You didnt know. Your H was all caught up in his fantasy world, and couldn't even begin to admit what he had done, so he just pretended that all was well. Who knows what she was thinking, obviously a very broken, sad human to that to a best friend.
I liken my H's behavior during the A, as that not really being who he was. He had changed in so many ways, he was not the guy I fell in love with, or the guy that I married, and decided to have kids with, he was this other person, a stranger, who was sad and angry all the time, I offered my love and support, it wasn't what he needed, or chose to accept.
Now in the present, he is no longer that person, he is kind, loving, and focused on his family, I love this man very much. So I can let go of all the lies, hurtful things he said and did, because he was so broken, so lost, that he was someone completely different then.
It works for me....Not sure a therapist would say I'm right, but hey I found my way to happy again, so WTH.
Oh and Happy Birthday to your wee one.
[This message edited by inshockandhurt at 2:47 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
This was a very hard one. Believe me I did not blindly trust, and in fact am not a fan of the phrase I see on here "trust but verify" Screw that, dont trust, and make sure he knows you don't trust, and why. I was the Queen of Snoopsville for many months. I wrote down mileage, his A was conducted in another city. I dug through his work bag at least twice a week, I had a keylogger on the laptop, I had weekly searches of his vehicle, looking for secret phones, or anything else that may indicate he wasn't being a good boy. I was relentless, I can remember one night in particular when I couldn't sleep, and something was niggling at me there was more going on, I went out and searched the garage, which looks similar to something out of hoarders, in the middle of the night when it was 30 degrees out.
It took a million trillion billion times of looking and not finding anything for me to slowly build my trust back, and interesting thing happened along the way too, I started to get strong, and focus on me, and suddenly at 1.5 year mark, I knew I would be ok no matter how this played out, and that He knew with absolute certainty that if he ever did it again, and I caught him I was done. I came to a level of acceptance that allowed me to let go, and realize I could not make him do, or not do anything. That was all on him.
He of course was not the mean arrogant, nitpicking prick he had been from the time the A started anymore. After the time I handed him my ring and told him to go, and he had his moment of clarity, and the real breakthrough, boo hoo snot running down his face moment, he started becoming the man I knew again, he made up his mind at that point that i had given him a huge gift, and he was going to make sure everyday that I was glad I made that choice by being the man he could be.
So I learned to trust that it wouldn't happen again whenn I really saw the changes happening in him. He was kind, loving, fun, and focused on his wife, family, and self. Everything else ran a distant second.
So yah I highly doubt there will ever be another woman, but I also know that if there is, I am done, and walking away, and will be perfectly fine, because that would be his to own, no reflection on me, or us.
I can't believe I sat next to someone so many times and the whole time she was f**king my husband.
This is exactly what gets me. I keep flashing on all the times we were all sitting there hanging out together and both of them were betraying me and I didn't know. One in particular has been haunting me lately; Last August, like two weeks after it started between them, we went to WH's parents house for dinner and the OW came with us. I keep thinking about the car-ride together and how they both sat there in the car and laughed and joked and talked with me as if nothing at all was going on. And then later at dinner she interacted with my husbands family, my family, took cutsy pictures with my sister-in-law and he let her, and neither of them acted as if they were bothered or ashamed at all. It just makes me so sad, the 6 months of lies is the worst.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:25 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
And I also had a very similar situation to yours. My WH did some arty projects with OW, and I often came out to see them. Worse, WH and OW were not the only ones that knew, over 6 other people, all of whom I would see and hang out with at these events, knew. WH let me stand in a circle of people who were all in on it, and smile and ask them about their lives.
After the affair was over, I found out that OW was also screwing another guy in a committed relationship, who also knew my WH. I flashed back to the time that me, OW, WH AND THIS OTHER GUY all went to lunch together. I was the only one at the table who had no idea what was going on. WH knew he was screwing OW. The other guy knew he was screwing OW. And OW just SAT THERE eating burritos at a table with the two dudes she was banging, one of whom was in a 5-year relationship with another poor girl who is also his business partner, one of whom was WH, and with me, WH's wife. How messed up is that?
[This message edited by Thessalian at 2:32 AM, October 14th (Monday)]