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Newest Member: alwaysnforever (44266)

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User Topic: How do you deal with the disregard?
kiki1
♀ Member
Member # 37184
Default  Posted: 7:15 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((inshock))

I understand. the first night wh slept with ow#1, it was at a cook out. They'd been playing the get to know you, flirt with you dance previously. They knew where it was heading.

My oldest son and i went to the picnic for a little while. the whole time ow was there, waiting. Watching me. I had no idea what was going on. Everyone else did though, as wh and ow were party partners at these people's houses. All these people enabled and encouraged their a. Allowed them to have sex together in their home. Yuck, who does that, besides teenagers. Theyre in their 40's for crimneys sake.

Once i left, the real party started. they spent the night there together, screwing each other.

while it bothers me he put me in that position, and there is nothing i can tell you to reduce that feeling, it makes me sick still. The biggest problem is that he did this to my son, who was 18 at the time.

The next day, she drove him home and i had to drive him back to his fuck fest spot so he could pick his car up.

the whole thing makes me sick. that he did that to me. I wish i had some good advice for you, i'm not sure he was such a different person at that time. i would never expect my h to be so negligent of my feeligns.

to not keep his a separate from our life and humiliate me in front of our whole social circle. Disgusting. I will have nothing to do wiht those people anymore and while he still works with them, we dont socialize with them now.

i suppose there is that. Best maybe to just let it go, in shock. We cant change it, and it was what it was. We can only move forward now and pay more attention.

I'm sorry you made that lowlife cupcakes. too bad she didnt choke on them.

strength, in shock, you are still so much worthy than any ow out there. the shame is on her and him. Not you.


Posts: 508 | Registered: Oct 2012 | From: new york
watchtheskyy
♀ Member
Member # 34197
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Inshock....I sent you a PM!


The first step to living the life you want is leaving the life you don't want.

Posts: 198 | Registered: Dec 2011
3boys
♀ New Member
Member # 38736
Default  Posted: 8:07 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((inshockandhurt))

I also struggle with this. You see, my FWH allowed me to bake/decorate OW's son a birthday cake and then deliver it to his party. Where FWH stayed while I then returned home totally clueless about what was really going on. I was so hurt and humiliated by this on DD.

Now he is very sad that I no longer bake and decorate cakes for anyone. He knows that he and OW are the reason. They destroyed something I truly loved. There is no joy in it for me anymore. I just can't do it without reliving the pain and humiliation of now knowing I was baking a cake for that whore's son. While he stood by and let me. It just about kills FWH now when I go buy a cake for the boys' birthdays. Especially since they had never had one that wasn't made by me beginning with their 1st birthdays.

We are fully R'd at this point. But even now, I don't believe him when he tells me that he loves me. I could never treat someone I love that way. I don't get how he can truly love me and do so.

3boys


BW-47
FWH-54
M-28yrs
DS-24,DS-20,DS-14,DGS-10mon,DGS-5mon.
MOW-holier-than-thou Christian whore
2 yr EA, 2-3 mon PA
Dday-10/10/2009
R

Posts: 31 | Registered: Mar 2013
heartache101
♀ Member
Member # 26465
Default  Posted: 8:37 AM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((inshock)))
To know if it EVER happens again or if I find out there has been lies told cover up of what happened no matter how small I will be gone in a second!
I know in my soul I will pack his bags ok I will throw his shit into his boat and park it in front of his work place.
Change the locks on the house and pay for the divorce no questions done.
That gives me the power. The strength to know I am not an idiot. For whatever reason my spouse lost his freaken mind for that time. He does it again and I take everything!
It has been 20 plus years for me and I am truly glad I stayed no matter what the outcome. We are celebrating our 30 anniversary in Nov. Having a vow renewal he bought a blinging new diamond but if I found out my line was crossed I would be done. Knowing that has given my soul peace. I wish the AP no harm just dont want them near me ever.
AP is just as broken and miserable sometimes more so then your wayward.
I am sorry you are here but there is hope! You can have a great life you have to choose too. If you are having trouble focusing daily on mundane routines then go to a IC. I had EMDR therapy and it was a godsend.
No I dont have a fairytale marriage but I live the real world.


There are degrees to which you let people back into your life and degrees to which you let them back into your heart-which, of course, are not the same thing

Posts: 3185 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Indiana
cancuncrushed
♀ Member
Member # 28156
Default  Posted: 1:05 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My situation was H and coworker. I had to attend 2 company picnics. The last one, while I was now suspecting her, she actually came and sat beside me on the hay ride. She was disgusted when my hair blew close to her. ANd she let me know I was digusting her. My H was sitting next to our son, straight across, watching the whole thing. I tried to read his face. He didnt seem happy about it at all, but still sit there and did nothing. I wish he had requested that I sit by him. I was frozen, and not willing to move for her. Now I wonder, how could I be so disgusting if we might be having sex with the same man???????? She is very facial and physical with her distaste. (permanant stink eye) Very rude. i learned later, they had just went out of town together, and her birthday just passed. I know he bought a card. I feel very stupid too. ANd wonder who else at work knows. We are far from dday or possible dday. But these humiliating moments stay with me. ANd his cowardness. THis was just one example. How do I deal? I guess I dont. I am bitter, and sad. I cant make it go away, and the forgiveness makes me feel better, but I dont forget.I dont think of it real often, but it does reappear.


a trigger yesterday

Posts: 885 | Registered: Apr 2010 | From: athome
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:10 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you made that lowlife cupcakes. too bad she didnt choke on them

I wish!!!

Thanks for that chuckle.

I don't believe him when he tells me that he loves me. I could never treat someone I love that way. I don't get how he can truly love me and do so.

I try to believe him, but then I remember that he told her what a bad wife I was and that he let me go to her house on Valentine's Day to comfort her because she was sad, this was four days before I found out about her and him, he knew she was threatening to tell me and he knew she might have done it that day, if he loved me why could he not protect me? How could he even risk me finding that out in Valentin's day? That day used to be special to us, it was the day he asked me to marry him. I don't feel special anymore.

No I dont have a fairytale marriage but I live the real world.

I definitely know what you mean by that, and I sometimes wonder if that is actually one of the good parts of all this; at least I am no longer stuck believing in little girl fantasies, of course, every Disney movie about love is now forever ruined for me.

Cancuncrushed, I know how you feel, I just don't understand how our spouses could treat any human being this way, let alone one they had promised to love and care for.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thessalian: That is one of the hardest parts for me, is the integration of the new info into all my memories of last year, especially the good ones. I almost wish he had treated me like crap, it would make things easier I think, although probably not. Now whenever I think of how sweet he was during Christmas last year I now have to think about the fact that he probably fucked her the day after we picked up our Christmas tree. It is so hard to think about because that was such a special day for us, how could he spend such a beautiful day with his family and act so in love with me and then go be with her?


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, October 14th (Monday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I keep thinking, did I miss a look between them, why didnt I catch it. I know there was an attraction, I saw that with her, I even warned him to watch it ...she just didn't seem like his type and I trusted him. She was the one I didn't trust.

Same with us^ My WH knew I felt uneasy about her (before their A). I explained the slippery slope to him before he went diving off of it.


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
Thessalian
♀ Member
Member # 40633
Default  Posted: 1:12 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is one of the hardest parts for me, is the integration of the new info into all my memories of last year, especially the good ones. I almost wish he had treated me like crap, it would make things easier I think, although probably not. Now whenever I think of how sweet he was during Christmas last year I now have to think about the fact that he probably fucked her the day after we picked up our Christmas tree. It is so hard to think about because that was such a special day for us, how could he spend such a beautiful day with his family and act so in love with me and then go be with her?

Totally. It makes me feel like all of that nicey-nice stuff is actually just him being glib, like that's just his default state, saying nice things and treating people nicely, which is great, except it doesn't reflect what's going on in his head at all. At first I thought, he was faking with SOMEONE - either me or her. So who was he faking with?

Now I think that, even worse, he wasn't faking with either of us. He was just taking what he wanted right then, right there.

Hugs.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 10:28 AM, October 16th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW, 30
Him: WH, 36

7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.

First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014


Posts: 163 | Registered: Sep 2013
standinghere
♂ Member
Member # 34689
Default  Posted: 4:15 AM, October 15th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

And I wonder, what does this level of disregard for me say about my husband?

I know the answer!

It shows just how broken emotionally your spouse was at the time.

Yes, I struggled with this idea, couldn't see my spouse that way. Then she really started talking, telling the truth, and it gradually became clear. She was a royally f'ed up mess emotionally, and had been hiding it the entire time we were married.


BH - Me - Late 30's (now late 40's)
WW - Her - Late 30's (now late 40's)
4 Children
Her - Love of my life...still is.
Reconciled - Partly...she can't get over it.
Her - Thunderstruck by what she did.

Posts: 912 | Registered: Jan 2012 | From: USA
inshockandhurt
♀ Member
Member # 38789
Default  Posted: 4:13 PM, October 17th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you standinghere, that helps a lot, you are right. I know now more of what my husband bitch of a mother did to him when he was a kid and how it shaped the way he views things and how he unintentionally viewed me, I am trying to keep in mind that he is working on his issues and that he would take it all back if he could. Thank you.


Me: 29 BS
Him:31 WS
D-day1: caught July-ish of 05
D-day2: caught 2/17/13 6 month EA/PA
Both were with friends of mine
2 sons
Trying to reconcile

"Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past."


Posts: 278 | Registered: Mar 2013
Topic Posts: 31
Pages: 1 · 2

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