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User Topic: She says We're done
♂ Moderator
Member # 15162
Red  Posted: 3:33 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Moved to Wayward. All BS's, please post in the spirit of this forum from here on out.

FBH - 42
FWW - 43 (BrokenRoad)
2 kids 7&12

The people you do your life with shape the life you live

Posts: 37410 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Michigan
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 3:34 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All you can do at this point is work on you. Understand your choices and learn to choose differently. I believe every addict faces a moment of choice before engaging their addiction. It happens between the trigger and "use."

Now is the time for you to figure out what triggers you and why you choose to deal with it so destructively. You have to be willing to go deep into those painful crevices inside of yourself. Learn everything you can about addiction. Maybe go to AA and do the steps.

Most spouses of sex addicts have at the least co-dependent or enabling tendencies. It takes a lot, a LOT, to get us to give up & seek divorce. We bend over backwards, we sell our souls, we give up who we are as human beings, in an attempt to save our marriage. For us to be pushed to the point that we are done is truly monumental.

I would make this broader to include most spouses of addicts in general. It's 100% correct because love can be incredibly resilient. After everything I went through with my STBX there were still times I would have stayed with him if he had genuinely worked on his issues instead of using them as an excuse for his bad behavior.

Sometimes it takes losing everything, hitting rock bottom, for addicts to see their actions differently. Perhaps it's being left with your own pain that you're most afraid of.

As hard and shameful as it may be, take responsibility for your actions. Start by owning what you've done and seeing it from the other side. You can't solve a problem you don't acknowledge exists.

I wish you the best in your road to recovery. Don't give up.

There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 411 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
♂ Member
Member # 20747
Default  Posted: 7:40 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks Rainbows.

Me - WS 43
BS - 43 (hurtattheshore)
M - 14 years in October
2 Wonderful Children
2 Very Sweet Dogs

Posts: 81 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: brick nj
♂ Member
Member # 40239
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone who shares the same situation CGB, I am sorry you are here. As others have said, do what you can to help yourself and make yourself better. There will be good days and bad days. Just try to stay focused and do the work you need. I read Patrick Carnes's Book "Out of the Shadows" and would recommend it as a starting point.

Me: FWH 34
Her: 31 and deserving much better than I've given her (CCW82)
Married 4 years, together 6 years.
D-Day: June 17th, 2013
"Don't give up. You're married until you're not. You never know what tomorrow will bring."

Posts: 121 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Dallas
♀ Member
Member # 20704
Default  Posted: 9:49 AM, December 4th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just an update. I am the BW.

We thought we could stay in the house for a few years until our younger son got through high school. It was going to be hard, but we wanted to try for the kids. After a while I realized that it wasn't going to be feasible and started planning for just a few years, at least until our older son graduated high school.

Meanwhile we were playing the happy family. Our immediate families & some close friends knew, but it wasn't like it was broadcast as facebook status. After our families were told, I removed my marital status completely.

I continued to play the good wife even though we had separate bedrooms. I made sure dinner was ready so we could all sit down and eat when he got home from work - I did laundry and didn't even give him a hard time when he was busy and didn't do the things around the house he normally would do, like cleaning or laundry.

For the kids, that is what I kept telling myself. I know that staying together and letting them think what we had was a normal or good marriage would be more damaging than divorcing, but I also felt it was important to remain friends with their father.

We've had separate bank accounts for a a few years so when I messed up my account purchasing sports equipment for our older son, he gave me extra money to cover it. A few days later, after I had money come in, he realized his account was messed up so I gave him money. He needed more than I was able to give him so I took it out of our younger son's account.

Then I even went so far was to drive to his bank (not local) and put it in his account so make sure he didn't incur any fees.

Later that day I learned he had gone to a hooker a week or so before, and paid for at least a blow job.

I was devastated.

Not by the "cheating" because I don't feel it was cheating. But it was a betrayal. He betrayed our trust to provide for his family by taking such a risk. And for taking money from our child to cover his nasty encounter.

He found her on craigslist and went to a slummy town to meet this whore. So much could have happened, at the very least he could have gotten arrested - at worst, he could have gotten killed. But he didn't see that. He only saw his opportunity to get deeper into his addiction. Meanwhile he's telling me he's going to SA meetings and that he feels he's "becoming a man of god" such a joke.

Before he was even remorseful for what he did, he was more concerned about how I found out. I will never tell him how I found out. Hell hath no fury like a pissed off woman.

We are still sharing the house (for financial reasons) but I can't even look at him. And I no longer do anything for him. I provide for me and our kids. To me, he's just a boarder renting a room.

I have a lot of anger over this but am going to therapy and hopefully someday I can let it go and find out what true love is, to know what it feels like to come first and be a priority. In the meantime I'm making sure my sons know that feeling.

He may come here and he may not, I don't care. I didn't say anything here that he does not already know.

Me: BW 43
Him: WS 43 (Cantgoback)
Married: 14 years, together 16
2 boys (15 & 12)
2 Dogs
D-Day 7/31/08 - again 8/24/13
Separated but sharing a house

Posts: 76 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: NJ
Topic Posts: 25
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