Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-
like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: roseyposey (44693)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: What do I tell his friends?
erzulie
♀ Member
Member # 3293
Question  Posted: 3:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Okay, here's a question for my panel of experts.

WH has 3 close friends (and their wives) - with whom I also have had close relationships these past 11 years. One of those friends is the one who married us ...

On D-Day, I sent a short text to the 3 of them; that text said nothing more than "I just want you to be aware that WH and I have separated, and that WH I believe would benefit from your support right now." No other details ...

So, yesterday, WH's friend texts me something to the effect of "we are praying for you both, and hoping that you two can find a way to make it work together." Now, a benign message undoubtedly, but to me, it is also a painful reminder that WH is not being honest with his closest friends. He, I believe, is instead casting himself as the victim in this drama - that I've booted him out of the house, I am the roadblock to our reconciliation, he was denied sex, etc. etc.

I'm not even sure I care about who is right or wrong - that is not the point. The point is - what do I tell these people? These people whom I care about, who care about me, who I stood in front of when I married WH, and who WROTE the vows they read at our wedding - vows I took very seriously and never would have broken?

I don't want to injure anyone any further - including our network of close friends, who have already become victims in this whole mess.

That said - I also don't want to sit quietly by and accept the b.s. that I believe they are being fed.

So - what do I tell them?

I am really struggling with this one.

[This message edited by erzulie at 3:07 PM, October 8th (Tuesday)]


A saying for my SI Family: "We may not have it all together, but together we have it all".

Fooled twice - almost exactly 10 years apart.


Posts: 3377 | Registered: Jan 2004 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 3:11 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to be honest in a simple manner. If you aren't honest then they will continue to be misled & lied to by your STBX. So what do you say? Simply say that he cheated on you. You don't have to provide gory details. You don't have to provide any details. It sounds to me, though, that these people have been very close to you. They deserve the truth, just like you do.


The truth, always. Tell the truth.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9502 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 3:30 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree with NG.

It's not your job anymore to protect your WH and his secrets. If he wants to lie to close friends that's his option but definitely not something you need to facilitate for him.

These people are your friends too. They deserve the truth, and you deserve to have their support, or at least peace in the knowledge that however they react, they are reacting to the truth, not a lie.

As far as how to say it.... I'd probably say that I also wish things would work out, but that became impossible the moment STBXWH took his focus/time/energy etc off the marriage and put it into a relationship with another woman. And thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I try to heal and get through this very difficult time.

It's not an easy situation you're in, but I know you will get through it. I haven't been faced with this particular issue... my XWH had (and still has) zero friends.

Hugs to you ((erzulie))!


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life. ~ JK Rowling


Posts: 747 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
ArkLaMiss
♀ Member
Member # 14918
Default  Posted: 5:16 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree 100% with what gypsybird said to tell them.


Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?

Posts: 1178 | Registered: Jun 2007
GabyBaby
♀ Member
Member # 26928
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'd probably say that I also wish things would work out, but that became impossible the moment STBXWH took his focus/time/energy etc off the marriage and put it into a relationship with another woman. And thank you for your thoughts and prayers as I try to heal and get through this very difficult time.
Perfectly said.


Me - 40s
SorryInSac - WH#2 - 40s. DDay 7/12/14
Married 4yrs, together 7yrs total

DD(21), DS(18, PDD-NOS)
6 Furkids (4 Dogs, 2 Cats)

WXH (serial cheater, 12+ OW)
Legally married 18yrs, together 16.5yrs

Note: I edit often for clarity/typos.


Posts: 6354 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: California
StillLivin
♀ Member
Member # 40229
Default  Posted: 6:51 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The simple truth. No more, no less. True friends will understand and support.
Good luck.


I don't need further confirmation of what a fuckwit he is. I already have plenty, thanks very much. -SBB
D: 7/2/2014

Posts: 2213 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: AZ
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:51 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes, tell the truth. But you don't have to give tons of details.

This is the same story that X spun for people he "got to" before I did. He told such bad lies that there are people who snub me, who were close relatives prior to what he did.

It's justification at it's finest, to make us look as bad as possible and our WH's to earn as much pity as they can. This is how they think they can get support-I think.

The only thing I can think of for advice, is to be as consistent as you can and be weary, on your toes once it starts being talked about.

X really put on a one-man show, with the crocodile tears and telling people how much he tried when he did no such thing-didn't even break up with OW during false R but fails to tell people this.

It may also be good for you if you can think of a plan for what you want to say, so you're not caught off guard if people try to talk about it.

The rumor mill is a lonely place where the lies get more and more confusing.


Ashland 13

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2197 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
Cookie7088
♀ Member
Member # 30038
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sometimes it's just a simple as stating...

Unfortunately, sometimes wives cannot work on a marriage, when you don't like his girlfriend.

[This message edited by Cookie7088 at 10:26 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 649 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: U.S.
tushnurse
♀ Member
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 10:31 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be sure to include the fact that this isnt the first time. something to the effect of, "The first time he had a girlfriend, I was willing to try again. We did, however now he has another, and I will no longer be subjected to being an option, and a second choice.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8194 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Chrysalis123
♀ Member
Member # 27148
Default  Posted: 10:47 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Unfortunately, sometimes wives cannot work on a marriage, when you don't like his girlfriend.

I have used this a few times. At first the person doesn't get what i am saying and there is a big pause.

I then see their face change as they understand what I meant....and they quickly say "Oh I'm sorry" and change the subject.

Works like a charm, and I kept my dignity, said it with a smile, and moved on with a lovely day.


Donít get to the end of your life and find that you lived only the length of it; live the width of it as well.†

Posts: 2636 | Registered: Jan 2010
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 11:18 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tell them the truth, that he had an affair with XXXXX which started XXXXX and you discovered on XXXXXX.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3301 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 11

Return to Forum: Divorce/Separation Post Reply to this Topic
adultry
Go to :
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.