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Newest Member: asherssoul (45716)

Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Kids met AP
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:45 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi, Everyone,

I know this thread has been done to death, but... It's happened. WW introduced the kids to the POS. She either told them not to tell me or they decided on their own, knowing it would upset me (though I wouldn't show them it bothers me). Same old story: this is the man who did his best for two years to hurt my children. I was hoping I would be at least a little indifferent by this point given my fury and disgust with WW, but I am distraught. I was deep down hoping that the stress of divorce might cause their relationship to implode, but I guess it likely drew her closer to him, with me as the common enemy.

Any perspective would be appreciated.

(BTW,my DS's psychologist told me.)


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1676 | Registered: Dec 2012
openedupmyeyes
♀ Member
Member # 27871
Exclaimation  Posted: 7:09 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((((AD))))
He will never measure up to you. You cannot be replaced in your children's eyes. Hang in there. The man in their lives is you. You have set the bar. You are a great dad. That should be your new name. GreatDad!


Me:54 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 767 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
SBB
♀ Member
Member # 35229
Default  Posted: 7:48 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It gets easier, I promise. I was a hot mess when it first happened. The thought of my girls having that whore as a part of their lives was just unbearable. I cried a few rivers.

Now it is just a part of the fucked up side of my 'new normal' in dealing with that fuckwit - she is just part of that steaming heap of shit. As will be the case with the next and the next 'luuurve' of his life.

The sad clown and I were 'together' for almost 10 years. About 3 of those were happy so please don't mistake together for happy. Often the drama of divorce and argy bargy of this new life is the glue that holds their fucked up UnicornFartLand together (the BS as the common enemy). Removing yourself from the equation by going completely dark also removes that glue.

Real life will kick in for them - it might take a few years or they might stick together in misery for a long time. Either way, in time your happiness will not be tied to her happiness or lack thereof.

I've posted these articles lots of times - I suggest you read them both:

'She's Special' (2nd article down - change the pronouns)
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

and 'Romantic Infidelity':
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Both were huge lightbulb moments for me - none of this is about me, this is just how he lives his life. My part in it was in tolerating emotional abuse (which includes infidelity).

You'll get through this friend - just like we all do.

Its horrible, unfair and disgraceful but it is what it is. You'll really need to watch yourself on the NC right now as you're vulnerable whilst this is so raw.

((Abbobdad))


I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

Posts: 5656 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: Australia
velveteer
♂ Member
Member # 30997
Default  Posted: 4:16 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey AD - I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.

As you know I have been through this. In my case WXW waited all of 2 weeks after S to get the kids around OM, although OM was involved anyway - my kids and his were shields for their A.

Getting my head around this was one of the hardest things for me. OM is a scumbag. They all are. You don't want them anywhere near your kids. These are the kids that they hurt with their actions. And then they wanna be fun uncle. Yeah fuck that.

I get it. But, and here is the thing. There is little you can do about this. She will do what she wants - your WW has consistently shown that. This is a pain that you need to feel and get through, and it will get easier. I am S for two years plus now and it still pisses me off, but nothing like it used to. You learn to accept what you cannot change.

I wish I had some great advice about how to deal with this, but I don't. All you can do really is to be kind to yourself, keep up NC and stay the D course that you are on and it will all start to get easier in time - that I can say.

As for their relationship, who knows? Speculating on this is very tempting but ultimately not that helpful to you. Focus instead on you. I spent a lot of time and energy picking apart WXW's relationship with OM and expecting it to blow apart at any time. It hasn't.

Do I think they're happy - no idea. Are there reasons to doubt it - yes of course - loads.

It no longer matters. I refuse to allow my happiness to be dependent on what happens with them.

It will all get easier - it really will. For now, take good care of yourself and the kids. no-one else matters.

V


Divorced

Posts: 877 | Registered: Jan 2011
Abbondad
♂ Member
Member # 37898
Default  Posted: 6:16 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It will all get easier - it really will.

Thank you, everyone.

And Velveteer, you were one of the first to respond to my posts way back in December 2012, when I had completely fallen apart. You assured me then that things would get better, that I would feel better.

I was skeptical to say the least. Darkness had consumed me, as it has so many others who first walk through the doors of SI. But you were right. You were right. So I must have faith that you and everyone are right about this as well. Time. Time...

Thanks again. I will survive.


Divorced April Fool's Day 2014

Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
-Dune


Posts: 1676 | Registered: Dec 2012
lost4now
♀ Member
Member # 21634
Default  Posted: 9:06 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My genious STBXH introduced my 15 year old daughter to his AP (same OW for the past five years) two months after our S. It stung. It hurt like hell. I stayed in bed for an entire day, no shower, no food, no drink, no talking. My friends and family called me all day prompting me to just get up....I would feel better. I didn't want to face the day. Or the days that followed it. The feeling was worse than his affair.

But, the next day came and I got up, showered, made my coffee and got ready for work. And I have done that every single day since then. My daughter sees the OW (slutface!) every other weekend when she visits her dad and the pain is far less. It just gradually got easier to stomach. I don't like it but wasting my time and energy thinking about it isn't going to change it. My STBXH is going to do what ever he wants to and I can't change it. Oh well. It's my new normal.

I will admit to dreaming of the Karma Bus and waiting for that sucker to run him (and her) down! It helps me heal!!!!! LOL


BS - ME 43
WH 44
Married 20 years
DDay #1 12/28/07
DDay #2 9/18/08
DDay #3 12/28/08
Dday #4 11/18/10 (same OW)
Dday #5 8/22/12 (same OW)
2 beautiful daughters
"Love grows where it is nurtured and dies where it is not!"

Posts: 841 | Registered: Nov 2008 | From: NJ
Ashland13
♀ Member
Member # 38378
Default  Posted: 9:44 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hey Abbondad,

I don't know if it will help any, but I'm in the exact same part of things as you are with DD meeting OW and going to X's "new house" without my support.

On the D/S forum I posted some stuff this morning because I had to work very fast this week to get a grip on myself, for I fell apart again as this came to light all at once.

Yes, we the BS are the common enemy, for many reasons. One thing that I think lately is that we represent reality and our WS's often can't stand to face that.

And by bringing our kids into their lala land, they can try to grow the seed they sowed and make it more real than it really is. Kids are people that can be manipulated for a time and can help them think it's real or justify, but I think kids are very smart and will see through after some of their own confusion dies.

I'm cycling some of the same emotion that you are but my realization that helps lately is that it's not about me..
It's about our WW's trying to collect people, like I said and the poor kids don't know which end is up for a time so they will fall for the glitter at first.

DD here is so revved up that I wear earplugs now when they have their phone talk or when he comes to get her and she fires the questions at him. It's such a massive trigger, because it's my daughter too and his regard for me is zero and blatantly so.

That was the hard part for me, that he wouldn't wait for my heart and mind to catch up, but he's always been about control.

I wish you well and though I have little bouts of tears left, I am getting better when it comes to mind.

I'm also wondering about background checks for the people she will be with, including X because he's so different I don't know him anymore.


Ashland 13

You gave me nothing and now it's all I've got - Bono

A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess

Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.

-George Washington


Posts: 2365 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: New England
jackfish
♂ Member
Member # 40257
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs for Ashland.
Great post too!

Posts: 88 | Registered: Aug 2013
tryingsodanghard
♂ New Member
Member # 43590
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, July 29th (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My experience is a little different. My DSD is one of the gems of my life. Her POS bio father abandoned her long ago. We are very close.

My WW, early after I and our son had been removed from our home, decided to foist the POSOM on my DSD. She wouldn't shake his hand, look him in the eye, or accept his gifts. She spent the evening in her room, watching them from the door. She was 12.

This was the beginning of the end of their filthy fantasy. DSD still dislikes her Mom over it, but we are trying.


M in 2005
D's in 2008
Me BH 51
She WW 41
1st D Day 5-2-2012
2nd D Day 5-4-2013
Separated 6-2012
Divorced 9-11-2012
5 yo son, 15 yo SD
After a year of trying, she finally went NC 6-3-2013
In R and domestic partners since July of 2013.

Posts: 35 | Registered: May 2014 | From: South
Topic Posts: 9

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