SurvivingInfidelity.com® > Divorce/Separation

Abbondad posted 10/8/2013 18:45 PM

Hi, Everyone,

I know this thread has been done to death, but... It's happened. WW introduced the kids to the POS. She either told them not to tell me or they decided on their own, knowing it would upset me (though I wouldn't show them it bothers me). Same old story: this is the man who did his best for two years to hurt my children. I was hoping I would be at least a little indifferent by this point given my fury and disgust with WW, but I am distraught. I was deep down hoping that the stress of divorce might cause their relationship to implode, but I guess it likely drew her closer to him, with me as the common enemy.

Any perspective would be appreciated.

(BTW,my DS's psychologist told me.)

openedupmyeyes posted 10/8/2013 19:09 PM

((((AD))))
He will never measure up to you. You cannot be replaced in your children's eyes. Hang in there. The man in their lives is you. You have set the bar. You are a great dad. That should be your new name. GreatDad!

SBB posted 10/8/2013 19:48 PM

It gets easier, I promise. I was a hot mess when it first happened. The thought of my girls having that whore as a part of their lives was just unbearable. I cried a few rivers.

Now it is just a part of the fucked up side of my 'new normal' in dealing with that fuckwit - she is just part of that steaming heap of shit. As will be the case with the next and the next 'luuurve' of his life.

The sad clown and I were 'together' for almost 10 years. About 3 of those were happy so please don't mistake together for happy. Often the drama of divorce and argy bargy of this new life is the glue that holds their fucked up UnicornFartLand together (the BS as the common enemy). Removing yourself from the equation by going completely dark also removes that glue.

Real life will kick in for them - it might take a few years or they might stick together in misery for a long time. Either way, in time your happiness will not be tied to her happiness or lack thereof.

I've posted these articles lots of times - I suggest you read them both:

'She's Special' (2nd article down - change the pronouns)
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2011/12/20/a-vain-fantasy-his-one-true-love-the-exception-that-confirms-the-rule/

and 'Romantic Infidelity':
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200910/beyond-betrayal-life-after-infidelity

Both were huge lightbulb moments for me - none of this is about me, this is just how he lives his life. My part in it was in tolerating emotional abuse (which includes infidelity).

You'll get through this friend - just like we all do.

Its horrible, unfair and disgraceful but it is what it is. You'll really need to watch yourself on the NC right now as you're vulnerable whilst this is so raw.

((Abbobdad))

velveteer posted 10/9/2013 04:16 AM

Hey AD - I'm sorry to hear you're struggling.

As you know I have been through this. In my case WXW waited all of 2 weeks after S to get the kids around OM, although OM was involved anyway - my kids and his were shields for their A.

Getting my head around this was one of the hardest things for me. OM is a scumbag. They all are. You don't want them anywhere near your kids. These are the kids that they hurt with their actions. And then they wanna be fun uncle. Yeah fuck that.

I get it. But, and here is the thing. There is little you can do about this. She will do what she wants - your WW has consistently shown that. This is a pain that you need to feel and get through, and it will get easier. I am S for two years plus now and it still pisses me off, but nothing like it used to. You learn to accept what you cannot change.

I wish I had some great advice about how to deal with this, but I don't. All you can do really is to be kind to yourself, keep up NC and stay the D course that you are on and it will all start to get easier in time - that I can say.

As for their relationship, who knows? Speculating on this is very tempting but ultimately not that helpful to you. Focus instead on you. I spent a lot of time and energy picking apart WXW's relationship with OM and expecting it to blow apart at any time. It hasn't.

Do I think they're happy - no idea. Are there reasons to doubt it - yes of course - loads.

It no longer matters. I refuse to allow my happiness to be dependent on what happens with them.

It will all get easier - it really will. For now, take good care of yourself and the kids. no-one else matters.

V

Abbondad posted 10/9/2013 06:16 AM

It will all get easier - it really will.

Thank you, everyone.

And Velveteer, you were one of the first to respond to my posts way back in December 2012, when I had completely fallen apart. You assured me then that things would get better, that I would feel better.

I was skeptical to say the least. Darkness had consumed me, as it has so many others who first walk through the doors of SI. But you were right. You were right. So I must have faith that you and everyone are right about this as well. Time. Time...

Thanks again. I will survive.

lost4now posted 10/9/2013 09:06 AM

My genious STBXH introduced my 15 year old daughter to his AP (same OW for the past five years) two months after our S. It stung. It hurt like hell. I stayed in bed for an entire day, no shower, no food, no drink, no talking. My friends and family called me all day prompting me to just get up....I would feel better. I didn't want to face the day. Or the days that followed it. The feeling was worse than his affair.

But, the next day came and I got up, showered, made my coffee and got ready for work. And I have done that every single day since then. My daughter sees the OW (slutface!) every other weekend when she visits her dad and the pain is far less. It just gradually got easier to stomach. I don't like it but wasting my time and energy thinking about it isn't going to change it. My STBXH is going to do what ever he wants to and I can't change it. Oh well. It's my new normal.

I will admit to dreaming of the Karma Bus and waiting for that sucker to run him (and her) down! It helps me heal!!!!! LOL

Ashland13 posted 10/9/2013 09:44 AM

Hey Abbondad,

I don't know if it will help any, but I'm in the exact same part of things as you are with DD meeting OW and going to X's "new house" without my support.

On the D/S forum I posted some stuff this morning because I had to work very fast this week to get a grip on myself, for I fell apart again as this came to light all at once.

Yes, we the BS are the common enemy, for many reasons. One thing that I think lately is that we represent reality and our WS's often can't stand to face that.

And by bringing our kids into their lala land, they can try to grow the seed they sowed and make it more real than it really is. Kids are people that can be manipulated for a time and can help them think it's real or justify, but I think kids are very smart and will see through after some of their own confusion dies.

I'm cycling some of the same emotion that you are but my realization that helps lately is that it's not about me..
It's about our WW's trying to collect people, like I said and the poor kids don't know which end is up for a time so they will fall for the glitter at first.

DD here is so revved up that I wear earplugs now when they have their phone talk or when he comes to get her and she fires the questions at him. It's such a massive trigger, because it's my daughter too and his regard for me is zero and blatantly so.

That was the hard part for me, that he wouldn't wait for my heart and mind to catch up, but he's always been about control.

I wish you well and though I have little bouts of tears left, I am getting better when it comes to mind.

I'm also wondering about background checks for the people she will be with, including X because he's so different I don't know him anymore.

jackfish posted 10/9/2013 12:09 PM

Hugs for Ashland.
Great post too!

tryingsodanghard posted 7/29/2014 09:29 AM

My experience is a little different. My DSD is one of the gems of my life. Her POS bio father abandoned her long ago. We are very close.

My WW, early after I and our son had been removed from our home, decided to foist the POSOM on my DSD. She wouldn't shake his hand, look him in the eye, or accept his gifts. She spent the evening in her room, watching them from the door. She was 12.

This was the beginning of the end of their filthy fantasy. DSD still dislikes her Mom over it, but we are trying.

tryingsodanghard posted 11/25/2014 10:52 AM

Hey, abbondad. How are things? You moving on?

HobbesTheTiger posted 11/25/2014 12:22 PM

Did you or the therapist have a conversation with the kids regarding boundaries and what the AP (or anyone) can't do? Like hitting, touching etc.?

Make sure you often tell your kids that you love them, that they can tell you anything and you won't get mad or love them less, that no matter what they do, you'll always love them etc.

Abbondad posted 11/25/2014 13:38 PM

Thank you. Yes, DS's therapist has discussed lines that cannot be crossed. Things have been peaceful for the last few visits. DS has been behaving better. I asked him yesterday how AP is treating him. He just shrugged. A shrug is the best I can hope for I guess.

ideservebetter45 posted 11/25/2014 13:49 PM

This was the worst for me.MY pos ex took my dd5 along with him at times when he was secretly seeing OW.He moved from our house directly in with the whore and took my dd there for visitation.Nice huh? Sucked so bad at first hearing how my sweet dd was coloring with the whore.Broke my heart.My dd is now 8.She figured out a lot of what happened on her own and I filled in the rest answering her questions truthfully.Im not about covering up for him and the whole "mommy and daddy just didn't get along" bullshit.I did my best to keep her family intact and I will not take the blame.My dd is smart.She goes with them and is polite.She is not close with OW and avoids her if she can.Her dad continues to have ow around when my dd visits.He is making his own bed.The only thing I can say is to keep busy on those days.I started going out with friends and doing things I enjoyed.Trust me,the pain crept in a lot but time....just time....hugs.

Holly-Isis posted 11/25/2014 15:10 PM

I would talk about how there are no good secrets. Only surprises. Things that you intend to tell someone later. Like presents or a party. That when people ask you to keep secrets, especially from a parent, it usually means it's time to talk to a parent.

Know that the OM is just a placeholder, not the real thing. Your kids will be able to tell. They know there's something wrong with him being in their lives or they wouldn't be keeping it a secret.