If going to the neighbors unannounced is annoying, stick with that issue. How does her affair and whether her legs are closed relate to the neighbor.
Maybe some counseling for the two of you is in order.
[This message edited by k9lover1 at 7:43 AM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR
VD: I was about to suggest EMDR to you but Sadwife beat me to it. I have actually done this myself. And although I can't explain "why" it helped me, it did. As I told you last night, at year two I was just pissed all the time. I was also running into the OW all over the place, something two and three times a day. I felt backed into a corner. I couldn't destroy her like she did me. I HATED the unfairness of the entire affair, both his part and hers. I was unable to wrap my brain around it in anyway at all.
Another SI member mentioned EMDR and I did a little research and found an excellent counselor ten minutes from my home who did this. I had a total of six sessions. Three where I told her what was bothering me and she told me about EMDR, two which were the actual EMDR light/sound sessions and one post EMDR sessions.
This "woo hoo" type session somehow pushed my anger back a little. I was still angry about the situation but seeing her no longer ruined my entire day or started me into a red rage. I simply was able to deal with it easier than before.
The cool thing about this therapy is that you are dealing with a single issue or trauma. It is a faster therapy than others and pretty much just helps you feel better. For the record, prior to the EMDR, I did see an IC for about six months until he said I was ok on my own.
Hope this helps and remember bud, you are not alone in your feelings and struggles. Many of us have stood in your shoes and just like you, we made mistakes and picked ourselves back up.
You already know this, you stated it in your last post. If you walk away from her and this marriage you will be packing up this pain and hurt and bringing it with you.It will color the rest of your life.
Don't let it.
You may as well dig your heels in and start healing right now. The trauma of her A feels like the extra weight you can't carry, but really VD, ALL the weight you have is too much. Peel it off in layers with your IC. Take one hurt at a time, go through it, understand it and feel the hurt of the little boy and work your way through every trauma and instance of hurt. It's the only way you will get to the other side.
Pull the threads apart and examine them. Don't run, don't hide. You will hate yourself for giving up.
I had a ton of FOO issues, abuse, trauma, pain that I stored in pretty little boxes until I sat myself in IC. I could take out a box and show you what was inside, I was able to list everything that happened to me that made me who I was...but I kept my little boxes with all of the hurt and pain tucked neatly inside.
I didn't get that I had to unpack them, that boxes only clutter my heart my head and my ability to feel things authentically.
So I went to IC and started to unpack. One box at a time. Pain from years back I didn't even allow myself to see came out. I began to find me, know me and appreciate me. One by one I threw the boxes away. It wasn't easy. I had a few boxes I fought to keep, but over time I let them go.
Over time you will to. You don't have to know how to do this. There isn't an answer that I can give you except time and lots of feeling/working through the hurt.
Your wife is doing her part. She isn't perfect and remember, it's only been a year...this shit isn't quick. She is walking in the right direction to get/be healthy.
You need to do the same...one step at a time. It's frightening and you don't know how you will feel about the M or the future direction you need to go in until you get to that fork in the road.
Give yourself a break, feel the anger and continue to communicate with your wife. Let her know your needs. She is doing the work and eventually what's "right" will become second nature to her. She will think about her actions, even the little ones, and how they affect you/the family and herself. It's a process.
Give yourself permission to not have all the answers but allow yourself the time to find them.
"Life is getting to me and I'm not handling it well. She told me I can, I said I can't, I don't know how. She told me that's an excuse I tell myself to give up and she knows I can deal with things. I told her I'm just sick and tired of always being strong, always handling things well, always doing what's right. I've been strong my whole life, she never has been until recently. That my life's beaten the tar out of me and I could take everything on until she hurt me and I don't know how to deal with that hurt. I don't have the tools, I'm not equipped to do it. My own coping mechanisms, though they've served me well and don't hurt others, aren't sufficient to work through this."
This is how I feel at four months so it scares me to that you can still feel this way after so much time.
I have been through some crazy shit in my life and up until now I think I have handled it pretty well. I never used it as an excuse to act a certain way or played the victim. My husband knew how much I had been through and he still didn't think of that when he had his affair. I never thought in 1 million years he would hurt me this way; that was part of the reason I married him.
I think I can be happy with him again if I can get through this but I often think what if I never able to get over what he did? How do I know if this is a dealbreaker for me?
I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can say: better now than in 20 years. I can say: you can learn to feel, and you can release your pain, as impossible and as scary as you think that will be, and if you do, you'll be glad you did.
Your 3rd post in this thread (1:31 AM) is key. If you don't remember what you wrote, reread it until it's imprinted on your memory. You outline important issues in that post, and that gives you an outline of what to do to heal.
Just as WSes have to face the pain they tried to avoid, healing requires you to face the pain that's breaking through now (or is it always within your awareness?). The thing is: you can do it.
Do the work, VD. It's painful. BTDT. For me, facing the actual pain turned out to be immense orders of magnitude better than fearing it. I expect that's how you'll respond, if you do the work.
"there wouldn't be any fucking problems if you could have kept your legs closed and your mouth shut."
Your 1:31 AM post says you know that's bullshit, and I ask you to post again confirming what you wrote.
You said it: you want to be done with yourself. Right now, I don't know if you're done with your M, but I'd bet everything I own and can borrow that you're mixing up traumas from your FOO and from your M.
You can end your M, but you'll still be stuck with your FOO traumas. Solve those, and you may find yourself in the middle of a good M and good life. In any case, I wouldn't make big decisions right now, if I were you, because I don't think you can get your head, heart, and gut into alignment (which is how I think big decisions are best made).
Work on releasing pain in IC. The work is tough, but the payoff is sublime.
(BTW, one result for me from doing this sort of work is that I pretty quickly stopped going the extra mile when I didn't want to. Just sayin'....)
I totally get that frustration. I can also see how a manipulator could use this against you. If that happens...wouldn't it be better to find this out then not know it and waste years?
In our case...some of my poor coping skills, combined with those of my wife, create a barrier to doing this seemingly "no brainer" task. My wife is not actively using my posts against me.
After 12 months of weekly counseling and a concentrated effort I can see this now. Unfortunately, it is taking longer to remedy this interaction then I like....so I can't suggest how to change this.
Just saying engaging is easier for me then it is for my wife...thus her A. But my engaging tactics were unhealthy and hurt our intimacy too....so just because we don't avoid conflicts doesnt make us better to handle them. KWIM?
Facing conflicts is the first step to engaging them. Your spouses reading your posts can be a positive step.... It might show they desire to look at the conflicts....even if it is just peeking at them....they are looking.
Pesce be with us all.
[This message edited by blakesteele at 12:33 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Just wanted to see how you were doing.
I have been following your story from the beginning. I may be overstepping but I think that you and I tend to process things similarly.
Look, this is just my opinion, but almost everything written by you praises your wife, how remorseful she is, and how committed you both are to saving this.
I just re-read nearly all my posts since dday. I was/am the same. I'll admit I was thrown off yesterday when I saw your post.
What's really going on?
I've been operating under this mindframe of "she did this to me, she can fix it". But she can't fix me, only herself. She can help me, but only as much as I allow. She told me I need to actually feel my feelings which I don't.
Is this true? In your posts I haven't seen a person saying that your wife has to fix you. I have seen a person accepting that they can only fix themselves.
She said I don't allow myself to be happy, to feel secure, to feel safe, to feel anything. I'm not even allowing myself to truly feel my pain. I told her I don't know how.
Sheesh, if we could only just allow ourselves to feel safe and secure. This ain't something that just happens. Safety and security still elude me even two years out. It's better for certain, but do I feel safe and secure? Not really, not like I used to. And that's simply my reality. The truth is that I will never have the safety and security that was taken from me. Never. I'll get close...I hope...but I accept that I will never be where I was in the "safe and secure department."
I disagree that you don't feel your pain. I have read your posts and seen it there.
I don't know what happened to trigger these feelings in your R. But I do know that around a year and half out I really struggled. (I think you are around a year and a half out...I don't remember) It becomes a weight on you. A year is a long time. Especially when it just seems like it is never going to get better. It does though. With time and effort. Even if you don't stay with your wife, this shit gets better.
Anyway, I don't have much in the way of insight. I was just thinking about you.
[This message edited by SuperDuperWonderboy at 7:53 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
I hope you are doing ok.
Recovery is building a pyramid of inference from which to climb and see clearer, and heavy usage of the reflexive loop.