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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: My head and my heart are at war.
Zayda1
♀ Member
Member # 35387
Default  Posted: 10:06 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Every moment of my day my head and my heart are battling. My head is screaming "tell him you want a hug" all the while my heart is yelling "wait, what if he is having another affair, what if he is laughing at you behind your back!"

We have been to two MC and he has seen two IC's and all of them tell me he seems to be aware of his issues and truly seems remorseful. But, for some reason I am still holding myself back. I feel like I've gone backwards.

Giving or asking for a hug from my husband shouldn't be an inner battle. It should be as natural as breathing. What is wrong with me? Why am I making this so hard? One minute I want to divorce him the next I'm having a panic attack because I can't imagine my life without him.


I am paralyzed my fear. Fear of what if he does it again, what will other people think, what if everyone is laughing behind my back...I could go on and on.

I realize this should be brought up in IC, but my new IC can't see me until the 26th, so I am letting it all out here until then.

Sorry for rambling, my thoughts are so jumbled and I really need to just get this out.


Married 9 years, together for 11 years
2 children (7 years & 4 years)
Discovery of PA 04/15/12 (It only lasted a "couple of weeks" but it still shattered my world.)

Posts: 465 | Registered: Apr 2012
Lonelygirl10
♀ Member
Member # 39850
Default  Posted: 10:32 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm having the reverse problem. I'm taking a month of no contact from my wBF. My heart is screaming that I want to contact him and hug him, and my head is saying that I need to stay away and make him do this work on his own.

There's nothing wrong with you. You're not making it hard. It IS hard. It's very hard. The one person that you loved and trusted betrayed you. All the feelings that you have now are normal.

And being paralyzed by what others think is normal too. I was paralyzed by what my friends and family thought, and even paralyzed by what his friends thought. I'm still paralyzed by those things, and I think that my fear probably hurt our R a little. But it's all part of it, and normal to feel that way.


29 Bgf
Dday: April 2013
Relationship ended: January 2014

Posts: 1121 | Registered: Jul 2013
niaveone
♀ Member
Member # 40317
Default  Posted: 10:53 PM, October 8th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh Zayda1, I could have wrote your post too. I feel like I'm reverting too. My WS has been doing everything right. He's been remorseful, transparent, at my beck and call. Takes the kids everywhere that *might* seem like a reason for him to get out.

The last month or so, he's more closed up about the affair. Not that he is being difficult. Just that in HIS healing process, talking about it hinders HIM and he is trying to help himself while trying to help me...so my anxiety goes up. I'm more vigilent in asking where he is, who he is talking to, if he's happy and if he feels he or we need to work on anything. I never find anything. He's always where he is supposed to be. It's making him nervous seeing me like this.

I *think* having things go well...I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was so shocked by the affair, by the lying, by the justifying...it scarred me and I'm terrified to let go and be vulnerable for that to happen to me again. It's very, very scary. And it's very, very exhausting at the same time.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married: 16 years
2 children
2 DDays

Posts: 206 | Registered: Aug 2013
Dreamland
♀ Member
Member # 40488
Default  Posted: 7:51 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

God why is it that we feel like this. I am afraid that I will never get better. Or that I will never forgive. This is the most painful thing I have endured. It just keep going and going and going.
It's like that stupid infidelity energizer bunny.. It just won't shut up. I just want to kick it so I can get some peace and quiet. I so need some quiet.


Me-BS 50 Him-WH 47, DD17
Together since 1993, Married 19 yrs
DDay 3/12,4/12,7/12 EA-PA OW - 25 single husband chasing bastard whore

Posts: 515 | Registered: Aug 2013
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think this is pretty normal. I talked to my IC about it yesterday and she said if you can't jump in with both feet you'll have inner turmoil forever....

I've come to the conclusion that the biggest fight we have is within ourselves.

I'm trying to decipher what my biggest emotional need is. It could be self respect. If this is true then of course staying in a marriage with infidelity compromises my biggest need.

This is very hard stuff.. hugs to all. Dreamland - could you go on a vacation for a while?


his Ddays: 2/10, 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4756 | Registered: Dec 2010
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 10:37 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Zaydal,

I think I know what you are feeling. I struggle with hte same questions ALL THE TIME. There has not been a single day since D"Day that I have not struggled with indecision. What does it say about me if I stay? What does it say about me if I leave him? How can I respect myself? Will my children, friends respect me either way?
Sometimes I feel so much anger because he has put me through this and with no cause or reason.
The only thing I find that helps sometimes is reminding myself that I am responsible for my own happiness now. I try to tell myself that I should not sacrifice my happiness and well being because of his selfish actions.


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

1) I ask this question for you to answer for yourself, not necessarily for publication: what is he doing to show remorse?

2) I didn't commit to R for 90 days after D-Day - I just wasn't going to commit myself until I was pretty sure my W had committed herself 100%. Are you perhaps holding back because you want more evidence? I'll tell ya - I wish I had waited longer than 90 days....


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 9986 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
ItsaClimb
♀ Member
Member # 37107
Default  Posted: 1:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

if you can't jump in with both feet you'll have inner turmoil forever....

Funnily enough, I was thinking about this ^^ very thing today. I was wondering whether I would ever have a day that I wouldn't be second guessing my decision to stay or go. HOW on earth do I make a decision about something that leaves me feeling so conflicted?!

My fWH is doing everything I could ask of him, so my problem isn't there, my problem is me. On the one hand I love the life we have together - if you take the infidelity out of it we have a really good life (well we have had for the last 6 or so years before I found out about the A), the kind of married life I dreamed of. We're best friends, we love doing the same things, we really, really enjoy our life together. On the other hand, I feel that by R-ing, I will be compromising my self-esteem, my self-respect, my integrity. I will always have the thought of his infidelity somewhere in the back of my mind, causing me pain. It's the most gut-wrenching decision to have to make.


BS 46
Together 29 yrs, M 25 years
2 daughters 24yo(married with a brand new little daughter) & 19yo
D-Day 18 Aug 2012
6mth EA lead to 4mth PA with CO-W. I found out 8 1/2 yrs later

Posts: 945 | Registered: Oct 2012
toughernow
♀ Member
Member # 40915
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

sisoon,

Like you I waited a while before committing to reconciliation (to trying reconciliation would be a more accurate way to state it). I kicked him out for 2.5 months immediately after finding out. Invited him back because he was not coping with the separation AT ALL! Our teenage son who moved out when I invited him home to "try". Our son was still so angry at him he could not stand to be in the same house with his dad. Those first few months were so difficult. Blow ups almost every day. I clearly was not ready to be with him yet, and i should have trusted my instincts. But, instead I was still trying to look out for him, as was the pattern in our relationship all along. Truth is that I also missed the closeness between us. After almost 30 years together my life had become so intertwined with his and I had become so comfortable with him.
In my case my WH has committed himself completely to the reconciliation, even though I have been indecisive, indifferent and at times hostile.

ItsaClimb,

Your situation sound very much like my own ( as much as these types of situations can be alike)

My fWH is doing everything I could ask of him, so my problem isn't there, my problem is me. On the one hand I love the life we have together - if you take the infidelity out of it we have a really good life (well we have had for the last 6 or so years before I found out about the A), the kind of married life I dreamed of. We're best friends, we love doing the same things, we really, really enjoy our life together. On the other hand, I feel that by R-ing, I will be compromising my self-esteem, my self-respect, my integrity. I will always have the thought of his infidelity somewhere in the back of my mind, causing me pain. It's the most gut-wrenching decision to have to make.
These words echo the feelings that I have. I could have written this word for word. Almost 1.5 years into reconciliation I wonder if I will always have the "inner turmoil"


BS (Me) - 47
WS(Him) -48

Married 23 years - together for 29 years


DDay - June 10th 2012 then TT'd-June 2012 - July 2012 (and beyond????)
2 amazing children

"Understanding love is one of the hardest things in life." - Fred Rogers


Posts: 98 | Registered: Oct 2013
jjsr
♀ Member
Member # 34353
Default  Posted: 3:36 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are trying to protect yourself and rightfully so. You have been hurt, hurt in away no one should be hurt BUT if you are truly going to R then you have to take that leap which is scary, scary!!!
I am just now at 2+ yrs out being able to do this without freaking out in my head every minute of every day.


Me: BS
Him: WS
Married since 1985
Parents to 2 adult sons and 3 of the cutest cats you have ever seen
D-day 8/6/11 Truth about ONS and 9/21/11 Truth about EA
Trying to reconcile

Posts: 1617 | Registered: Dec 2011 | From: midwest now.
Topic Posts: 10

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