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Reconciliation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Things that make me feel loved
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 10:13 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My homework this week for MC is to write a list of things that make me feel loved to give to WH. I am so stressed about this because I seem to only be able to think of things that don't make me feel loved. What kind of statement does that make about me and the marraige if I can only think of things I don't want him to do or that irritate me or that trigger me. I don't even know anymore what makes me happy and feeling loved and safe.


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
SpiderGrl
♀ Member
Member # 40157
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Frankly, to me it says you are fairly easy to please. See if you can obtain a copy of The 5 Love languages. It will help you realize what makes you feel loved. I had my idiot husbands love language backward and that was a revelation.


Me 36- BW
Him 37- WH 6 month EA pushing PA.
DDAY- 7/2/13
Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. -Gandhi
Pls forgive weird sentences and spelling mistakes, I post from my phone and autocorrect hates me.

Posts: 101 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: US
bunni972
♀ Member
Member # 33690
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Our MC asked us to make a list of the things we want from each other/the marriage. We are going to draw up a contract and then revisit it in 6 weeks or so.


ME: BS 40
HIM: FWH 41
2 boys: 20, 17
DDay #1: October 17th 2011 (A w/ co-worker & visit with 2 "working girls"
DDay #2: September 20th 2013(A w/ girl from Craigslist. Had sex multiple times with 2 women he found on Ashley Madison.
Not s

Posts: 97 | Registered: Oct 2011 | From: West Frankfort, IL
bionicgal
♀ Member
Member # 39803
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Some of us get used to not having our needs met, , , so much so that we no longer know what they are! Some of us have had been this way from childhood. . . So, you are not alone!


me - BS (40s)
DDay - June 2013, A was 2+ months, EA then PA
In MC & Reconciling
An affair is more like a mental break than a relationship.

I edit, therefore I am.


Posts: 1879 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: USA
SisterMilkshake
♀ Member
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 11:35 AM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

FWH calls me everyday on his break or lunch. Today he asked me "What are you going to do today?" It is crazy, but that makes me feel loved. Pre d-day, he never would ask me how my day was or what I was going to do that day (unless he wanted me to do something for him ).

I would say to focus on the little things that make you feel loved, roses. During your day notice the things he does. Does that make you feel loved? Please don't be stressed about it. If you truly can't articulate these things yet, be honest with your MC. Tell your MC that you have given this some thought but you just don't know at this point.

MC homework shouldn't be causing you more stress in your life. Take a big breath, and don't sweat it. You will not be getting graded by your MC. You will not get an F. As long as you just didn't totally blow it off, you did try. ((((roses303))))


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 9539 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
neverdidithink
♀ Member
Member # 40568
Default  Posted: 12:03 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe if we share it will get you jump started? I feel loved when:

H calls me "Babe"

He touches me or gazes over and smiles for no apparent reason

He sees the pain his A has inflicted and tells me he is sorry for his actions that brought us here

He tells me that he loves me, and tells me WHY/WHAT he loves about me

He texts me just to tell me he's thinking about me/us

He texts when he hears a song that speaks to us/his feelings (and includes some relevent lyrics)

He leaves for a trip and leaves a card for me to find once he's gone

He shares this feelings with me even when they're not rosy. (us, work, kids... He used to try to hide things when he was unhappy or frustrated and seems to have learned that honest commuications at all times is vital to the survival of our marriage)

The don't have to be big things andthey don't allneed to be happy things. In my world the smallest gestures seem to mean the most.


[This message edited by neverdidithink at 12:05 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW 52
Him: WH 55
Married 8 years
4 20-something his and hers kids

Trying to understand the behavior of some people is like trying to smell the color 9


Posts: 320 | Registered: Sep 2013
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ Member
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had to do the same thing. It was VERY hard for me to ask for what i wanted...i am one of those that's a people pleaser and not very used to getting my needs met. It was hard homework. it took me a long time.

But might i suggest making the list of actions that annoy/trigger you. Then, think of an action that he could to to NOT do the annoying thing on the list. (start with small things)

Here's an example of how i used a negative to make a positive One thing my WH did that was hurtful/trigger for me was not doing something when i asked him. Example...he always emptied the vacuum container direct into the garbage can instead of into a bag. I hate lifting the lid, tossing a garbage bag in there and the dust flies in my face. Its gross. yet he totally disregarded my feelings and just kept doing it anyways. Disrespectful. Rude. Its a stupid, small trivial thing.....BUT in my eves, its those stupid, small trivial things that, over time, build up and lead to the big giant things.

So one thing on my list was "when i ask you to do something small for me, please just do it...while it may seem dumb or irrelevant to you...its important to me, otherwise i wouldn't have asked"

Its a small thing...but it shows me that he respects my feelings on the small stuff...and it helped us to work on the big stuff.

Hugs to you!!


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
roses303
♀ Member
Member # 40161
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Been thinking a lot about this and this really hit home.

So one thing on my list was "when i ask you to do something small for me, please just do it...while it may seem dumb or irrelevant to you...its important to me, otherwise i wouldn't have asked"

This has been a big issue in our marriage. He has a hard time understanding that sometimes you do stuff you don't necessarily like or want or understand the necessity of just because you love the person who asked you to do it. I used to sometimes get upset and he never understood ( even though I tried to explain) that it wasn't the action, it was the disregard of my request because he thought it was stupid. And he would then dig in his heals because me asking him to do something was submitting to me. I don't know how many times he would "take a stand" over something trivial because he wanted to be a man and to it his way. Even after I explained my reasoning and asked that just once he do something my way as an expression of his love,he would still dig in his heels. Kinda made me feel like dirt in his eyes that he wouldn't the dishwasher like I asked just to make a point.

[This message edited by roses303 at 12:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: BW - 46
Him: WH - 49
MOW: my BFF from college and good friend for 25 yrs
Married 14 years, 2 Tweens
DD: 5/20/13 2 year long EA/PAs (one 7 yrs ago and one this past year)
Status: day by day, in MC, working on R

Posts: 141 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: roses303
blakesteele
♂ Member
Member # 38044
Default  Posted: 12:39 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

((Roses303)).

This is tough for me too. I am questioning myself as to why I was willing to settle for less of a marriage pre-A. My wife may be asking that same question. Our marriage was almost a "we don't want to be like our parents" kind of a marriage rather then the "we want our marriage to be this" sort of thing....any wonder why we are lost? Didn't even realize this till after her A and lots of counseling.


Maybe doing the list that is easy for you (the hurts) would be beneficial?

Keep the faith.


ME: 42 BH, I don't PM female members
SHE: 38 EA
Married: 15 years
Together: 17 years
D/Day 9-10-12
NC: 10-25-12
NC: Broken early November 2012, OM not respond
2 girls; 7 and 10
Fear is payments on debts you have not

Posts: 3609 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: Central Missouri
Topic Posts: 9

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