My parents divorced when I was 10. He left her for the OW, they've been married 30 years.
Mom was very bitter for a long long time.. he left her high and dry with four little kids. They struggled with money, but I don't remember that part. He was the nurturer and she was the disciplinarian. But I have no idea how they were together.
37 years later Mom is very happy. HE is not.
Husband's parents: still together, she is very resentful, they bicker all the time... she is a hoarder and my children have never been to her house. Apparently it is like a cave now. There is so much denial and rugsweeping I've never seen anything like it.
They were all so young, and so ill-prepared for parenthood. I have sympathy for all of them. Yet their choices have had a profound impact on us... and although the situations may be different, the coping methods are similar...
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...
My H's family is dysfuntinal at best. His dad cheated on his mom and married the woman. She had 3 sons and no daughters so she treated H's sisters well but ignored him. His dad did whatever his step-mom wanted. His own mom coped with it all with drugs and alcohol.
Finally this is R 8/14/13
"Forgiving is a journey; the deeper the wound, the longer the journey".
I hate infidelity.
My parents married at 25. Had three boys. Loved and respected each other. From what I know there was no infidelity, but just a very loving marriage. Sadly, Mom passed away at 48.
All three sons have had wife's who had affairs. Both my brothers ended up divorcing their wives.
My wife's family.....her dad had upwards of 20 affair partners, and would often take my wife to their houses to play with the AP's kids while they were doing there thing.
Wife's mom had several affairs as well.
Funny neither one of them supported me when my wife's affair was discovered. It was all my fault and I needed to remember that my wife is a woman who knows what she needs and isn't afraid to go get it.
[This message edited by wonderboy at 12:57 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
XH's parents: divorced when he was in middle school; I think his father had at least one affair and possibly left for OW. Was married several times after XH's mom. She has never been remarried. From what he tells me, they seemed to have a good relationship before the D. Somehow along the way, he learned to be conflict-avoidant in the extreme. As in, if there is ANY disagreement or difference of opinion expressed AT ALL, the relationship is doomed and horrible and "he can't live like this." No idea what happened there; he won't talk about it.
Married 2.5 years
Reconciled after divorce
"Someday you'll look back on all these days
And all this pain is gonna be invisible." - Hunter Hayes, "Invisible"
My wh side is messy. His mum was having an affair, he was a result of the affair but was passed off as her husbands baby for 5 years (i've no idea if he knew) until she left him for his dad. They have both cheated on each other at least once that i know of since being married.
My brother's first marriage ended with her cheating.
My husband's parents...they too have been married 40-ish years and are still together. They complain non-stop about each other, my mother in law is emotionally enmeshed with my husband, my husband has daddy issues from his dad not being around much until my husband was in his 20s.
My parents divorced when I was 10. He left her for the OW, they've been married 30 years.
Wow--so close to my story. My parents divorced when I was 18. They were married for 26 years. He left her for the OW 12 years younger than him-they had been having an affair for 3 years. He married the OW 3 months after their divorce was final--very painful for not only my mom, but me and my sister too.
My mother was a basket case for many years--very very angry--still is if she has to see my father for any family related event--which happens maybe once a year because of my kids and school stuff. She got married two more times after her divorce from my father. She is currently still married to her 3rd husband and seems really happy. He is a wonderful man and a big bonus, also a very wealthy man, she has financial freedom and peace for the first time in her life so I'm happy about that at least.
My dad is still married to the OW who has gone from the hot blonde with big hair that would get up on the bar and dance--to a conservative frump who hates to socialize and has spent loads of time in counseling and other really way out find your inner self activities--a one point she had a doll that she called Little <insert her name here> that she would rock and hold and say that she was learning to give the little girl in her love that she never got as a child--yeah, really.
The irony is that is one of the main reasons he told my mom he was leaving--she was no fun.
Raising hand--dysfunctional family here too.
He started working more and at first it was a town away so he would come home on the weekends. Over time that stretched to hardly ever coming home. On one such occassion I saw him at a pay phone. I was about 13 or 14 at the time and new what it meant. I confronted him and he lied. My mom must have heard my coversation as they D not much longer. He became a major hoarder. Had three storage units across two different states. Still think of him when we watch Storage Wars, or Hoarders.
Upon becomming a BS in January I became very angry at the POS thing dad did my my mom. He died a few years ago, but upon a recent trip to his grave gave him a piece of my mind.
Rarely heard my mom or day say "I love you" and not much physical contact. I can also recall one time when my dad hit my mom. We were in the car with me in the middle, I think my dad did something stupid in the car, mom called him out and he stretched out his arm and hit her. I also felt it! We then tried to eat out and pretend everything was OK.
So my parents M was an example of how not to do it. Somehow mom was able to raise 4 kids with 2 different dead beat dads!
My fWH's parents on the other hand.... His father cheated on his mom so many times it literally made her go bonkers. For 40 years she has only dated one other man, she refuses to go out at night and she won't ever initiate contact with her children. (she also does this weird ass thing with her eyebrows but I'm pretty sure it isn't related to her husband's affairs. SCARY!!!) Every member of my fWH's family has either cheated (repeatedly) or has been cheated on.
WH's parents celebrated their 50th this past summer. That was a fun event coming less than a month after dday. Their marriage works for them but I wouldn't call it functional. My FIL is/was short tempered, could be violent and very self centered. I think he has some undisguised issues. Based on his difficulty with interpersonal skills, explosive anger issues when stressed or taken out of his comfort zone I think he may be on the spectrum and never learned coping skills. My MIL runs the household and keeps his routines in check. So much so that FIL doesn't do anything without checking with her and she lays out everything step by step for him so that there are no surprises. There is no physical affection at all in the household ( except with the grand kids). As a result, WH married someone a little like his mom. Strong, independent and codependent enough to take over what ever needed to get done. Then he felt resentful. He didn't want to be his dad. He wanted to be is own man. He craved attention and when it was given to the kids and not to him. He resented it more. He didn't get affection at home growing up so he sought it wherever he could get it and if he wasn't getting enough from one person he went to another. Someone who wasn't his mother. Someone who didn't want anything from him. Someone who didn't take care of him. Someone whose sole purpose was to feed his ego and "desire" him.
[This message edited by roses303 at 1:32 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Guess I'm the only cheater for miles around in my family.
H's parents divorced due to infidelity when he was 6. Mother dated married men. Mother's boyfriend abused him. Every other man in his life was a known cheater. He cheated on every girlfriend he had.
Kinda wish I had known all that before this last year! Yikes!
My parent's divorced before I was 2. I have only seen my dad twice since then. My mother has been married 5 times. All were abusive..some terribly so(husband #3 shot her in the head...and raped me when I was 15).
My mother had been the OW in her relationship for 8 years. He divorced his wife and they lived together for a few years before they broke up.
I had a lousy example of what a healthy,happy marriage should look like.
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
I also won the in-law lottery. My FWH's parents were warm people, fun to be with, and we got along very well. But...........sometimes I would pick up on some underlying irritation (especially from my MIL to my FIL), and then there were the twin beds. Even though on the outside they seemed solid, I sometimes wonder if my FIL had an affair at some point. I haven't had the courage to ask FWH.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
Dad cheated on mom growing up. I didn't find out until I was a teenager. I was so devistated- I felt like my parents who were in the process of teaching me how to respect my body and save sex until I was in committed, monogamous relationship, were SUCH hypocrites.
I didn't trust men AT ALL growing up except for my dad. Then, as a young teenager, I learned that I couldn't trust him either. It took me a really long time to work through that.
I don't think people realize how their negative choices have such long-standing impacts on their children.
At least the current man "only" cyber-cheated.
"Love means never having to say you're sorry."
My wifes parents divorced...her dad was an alcoholic, her mom finally had enough and left.
Throw us in the boat of knowing more about what we "didnt want in a marriage" then "what we thought a marriage could be".
Good post...I have wondered about this as well. Statitistics I am familiar with appear to follow the trends of this post...family's repeat family cycles...but there are exceptions.
Here is to us who are trying to be the exception with regards to surviving infidelity.
My WH... His mom cheated on his dad while he was in 'Nam and they D. She later was the OW whose AP left his family to marry her. H#2 abandoned WH and his mom when he was 15 due to alcoholism. She later became a LTA OW to another MM. I love MIL dearly, but she certainly planted the seed in my WH that A's are okay if the MM isn't happy! My FIL has been M 5 times to 4 different women. Almost each time, the lady had a son who was WH's age at the time of his D. (Feeling replaced much?) FIL swears he never cheated on any of his W's.
My WH hated being a child of D, so he rationalized that what he was doing was OK, as long as he stayed M and took care of the family. He deserved to be "happy", right? Sigh. Infidelity sucks.