My mom went on to have 3 more A's
When we had a kid, we told them they couldn't fight while the 3 of us were around. Incredibly, they pretty much stopped fighting when we visited.
W's parent were also M until her mom died. Apparently they didn't raise their voices. One thing I liked about W2b was that we could disagree without attacking the other.
W & I don't fight. We just work out most of our disagreements with mutual respect. Of course, she may have a different view.
I'm 99+% certain my father cheated at least once, when he visited us on business when we lived overseas. That tore me up. (But the temptation was very strong. High-level people used to travel half way around the world just to enjoy the country's sex industry's workers.)
W thinks her dad cheated when he was on a business trip, but I have no idea of the validity of that.
Our son's ILs got married a week before or after we did and are still M. Strange coincidence. (They seem like great people, but I have no knowledge of their relationship.)
[This message edited by sisoon at 5:17 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
Unfortunately, the mean asshole outlived her. She deserved to live at least 1 day free of the asshole.
[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 7:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
My dad cheated on my mom wheb I was a toddler. She has made him payppretty much every day since. Next year will be 50 years for them. I think overall they are haooy. But my mom is definitely in control and doesn't hesitate to make my dad feel like he owes her everything everyday
My dad drinks in excess and I fear isnt as happy as he should be. He really has been a great spouse father and man for the greater part since he cheated.
My h's parents are the definition of dysfunction. Married because they had to, divorced as soon as the boys were out of the house. According to my MIL. whk I know exaggerates her H, my H's dad, hecheated he lied, he stole, all of which I have reservations, but the one thing I don't doubt is homosexual tendencies. He is more of a girl than I am.
So yah dysfunction runs amok.
Mostly, this thread reminds me that we'll probably all scar our kids in some way, which is not to make light of the shitty childhoods. Just that sometimes it is "damned if you do, damned if you don't" - i.e. ensure your kids know how to deal with conflict...but also protect them from conflict lest it make things feel unstable. And a million other tough calls.
But I internalized those values. I evaluate myself and my behavior constantly, and I know that lies corrupt any relationship.
fWH's parents are both alcoholics. They abused their children emotionally and physically. His mom became an OW when fWH was about 10 and eventually abandoned the family and married OM. (I didn't know this until after d-day.)
fWH learned that the way to handle problems was to lie, deny, and minimize. His mom was such a master of denial that she was able to leave her young children with an alcoholic child abuser and still claim to be a good mother.
She says that he wasn't an alcoholic until after she left, and that he never abused the kids. This despite the fact that both of them hit the kids for years before she left, and she knew about fWH's two suicide attempts due to the abuse.
fWH internalized all kinds of f@cked up values. Rationally, he had good morals, but when things got stressful and emotional, he went back to the lessons of childhood. Never admit anything negative, don't think about difficult things, ignore it and it'll go away, pretend it didn't happen etc.
Ex's parents were married forever, they also had issues but still were #1 for each other--at least by the time I entered the family. It was iffy early-on, Ex's father was gone for extended amounts of time on business. Like for 2 and 3 years at a time so who knows. Ex had 2 brothers--all divorced, one was divorced twice. All cheaters and terrible husbands and fathers.
Interestingly enough, even though I knew from the beginning that my ex was a risk, because his parents were still married and seemed a lot like mine, I thought it would eventually work out. God, was I stupid or what???
My wh was born to a 19 yr old mother that was married to his bio-dad for about 5 mins. Despite living within 45 mins of where his bio-dad is, he has never met him. He was essentially given to his grandparents in exchange for an $800 car. He was raised by them, as their son for 99% of his life. They were a fantastic couple. I have never known a man as wonderful as my FIL. They were married 54 years when he passed away and set off a chain reaction that blew apart the entire family and I truly believe caused my current situation because my wh had ZERO coping skills and completely shut me out as a confidant when previously we had been best friends.
I want above almost anything to be that happy old couple. I am struggling this week with my anger and the desire to punch someone in the face but I still want that fantasy and I am praying that it will not be a fantasy for us. Although, at this rate, I may be spending those happy years in a straight jacket.
Me. Amazing parents. Their love and dedication to each other reads like a fairy tale.
Him. (WH) Parental infidelity on behalf of both parents. His Mom, suicide attempts, alcoholic. His Dad. Closet homosexuality. Multiple affairs.
It gets worse.
My WH was sexually abused (Oral sex) at age 7 by his older Brother. His Sister and Mother knew. To this day, his Mother has never acknowledged the abuse. His Sister spoke to Mom at the time of abuse.
So...my Husbands affair(s) and his ability to engage in a wholesome, healthy relationship were darn well doomed in his adolescence. Had I know any of this, I would not have married.
SAWH's family makes mine seem like Leave It to Beaver. Parents have lived separate lives for 30+ years but still married. Always working long hours in professional careers and leaving my H and his sibling alone at somewhat young ages unsupervised where my H got into trouble for various things and hung out with bad kids. I suspect (not sure but just a theory based on circumstances) that my MIL had an affair and that is what led to the fracture in the relationship as well as my H and his sibling seeing some thing they should not have seen (something violent...not sure to what extent of what the reason behind the violence was...H has been very limited in his willingness to expand on that). No one ever talks about anything in his family, no one addresses the obvious problems. Things like the refrigerator leaking and not working right and no one bothers to get it fixed or replaced (and they have the means to do so...they are just super passive and don't do anything until there is a crisis - does this sound familiar? Hmmm...marriage in trouble, have an affair, wife finds out about affair and then you start to care about the marriage.).
My husband's parents had a miserable marriage from what we all hear. They divorced when we were in college, but she had been thinking about it for some time. He was emotionally unavailable and did not express affection physically or verbally. He yelled a lot. She is passive aggressive.
WHs brother is a recovery sex addict who lost his marriage to his acting out.
Married for over 15 years
2 beautiful boys in elementary school
You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Maya Angelou
He was so so sad years later when my husband cheated on me. He offered to talk with my husband to talk some sense into him.
I had no role model for a good marriage but I still know how to be faithful and always try to make it better.
But my husband's parents were swingers so.... no role models there either!
[This message edited by babbs at 1:41 AM, October 11th (Friday)]
three years ago I had a talk with my Dad, who left my Mom 30 years ago and married his AP. I didn't even have to spell it out, I just said we were having marital trouble. He answered - there's nothing out there that you don't already have at home..
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
The conditions we face do not define us. They remind us of who we are and who we want to be.
My FWH's parents marriage is another story.
"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson
WH's parents are a mess. They were abusive to each other. They cheated on each other. His dad married OW. His mom is emotionally a mess still and very bitter . She used to listen in on WH's dads call with OW. She would take notes then sit next to him and sob. He was maybe 6 or 7. Yes he has issues and I have issues.
We hope to have lots of conversations with our daughters about what not to do before they get married.