I was very upset about an argument we had this morning and our MC was having WH look at me, see the pain and respond. He started with "I'm so sorry I did this, I didn't mean to hurt you. I'll try to help you get through this etc".
She then stopped him and said "what is 'this'". You keep apologizing for "this". You need to own what you did. Lay it out. Tell her you are sorry for starting a correspondence with her friend behind her back. You are sorry for sleeping with her friend. You are sorry for texting thousands of times a month. You are sorry for devoting energy to a relationship that was not your marriage. Own up to it. It was not a this. It was a long series of actions all of which you need to be remorseful for.
WH sat there like a deer in headlights. This was not what he expected but I think it really cleared his fog. Apologizing for a this is easy. Owning up to what happened is hard and painful but needs to happen to reconcile.
Then we got into a discussion about the semantics of him 'trying to help me heal'. I had never really understood why his reassurances hadn't resonated with me . Well it is all semantics. Saying you'll try doesn't mean you'll do. Saying you'll try is a cop out. It gets you off the hook. As does "helping". It is not his job to help me, that's pushing the responsibility back on my. It is his job to do everything in his power to heal me. He needs to man up, put conviction behind his words and follow through.
Now if only he can process and input this information and get off the road before the deer in headlights gets run over.
Agreed, they have to "own" it and (for me) blanket apologies didn't cut it. I needed to hear specifically what he was sorry for AND how he was going to not make the same choices again.
Ours was good, but my wife was so broken that she couldn't talk to her like that, I needed it, but in the end i had to do without.
THANK YOU for this submission.
I'm glad we found her and I hope she is getting through to WH. I'm going to write a list of specific things I need an apology for and remorse over. Not just I'm sorry but I'm sorry and horrified that I did each and every one of these things. Because the I'm sorry for hurting you and I'm sorry for the affair isn't enough for me. I need more to be able to move on. Hopefully I can get that from him because if not we remain in limbo.
I also email it to our MC this morning, but have not heard anything back, maybe she will keep it for the next time we meet.
THANK YOU AGAIN. might have just moved the fog bank around her head for me.
Do what I did, strip off all the stuff from the site, but send him the orginal thread. It hit my WW like a stone. She got it yesterday, i don't know how long that will stay with her, but I also sent it to our MC for inclusion in our next meeting. I just cut and pasted it into an email and fired it off. I had been trying to tell WW that saying Sorry didn't make me feel any better, that saying it will never happen again didn't help. This orginal thread and sending it was a start.
I hope it works as well for you and yours..
We have a new MC, 2 sessions so far. I think she gets it. I may send this to her as well. The last one really didn't. And I mean really didn't.
Married almost 30 years and here I am. heartbroken.
Trying to make it thru each day. Trying.
Working toward R - this shit is hard!
So, while I knew things were not as great as they could be, I was completely oblivious to what was going on in his brain, that he was basically leading me on, contemplating divorce and falling for another woman.
But I digress. He did apologize for not doing more to fix things before it came to all that. Such as counseling or . . . "something".
I can't say I recall him getting specific about anything else. And one of the hardest parts about this whole thing is that I had to go through two Ddays. He told me about the A, that it was short and now it was over. And five months later, on Christmas Day, no less, I find out it never ended at all and all those months I was dying over what he did to me one hand . . . and pouring my love all over him on the other, he was still seeing her. He saw how tortured I was and he still saw her.
MAN does that hurt like hell.
Well, anyway, I think your post is giving me something to think about. We've had discussions about him owning up to what he did and I don't really know that he gets it. He feels like shit, and he makes that very clear, but that's not the same as owning up to it.
I don't know. Thanks for your post. Glad it was a breakthrough for you guys.
[This message edited by Patchy at 2:23 PM, October 11th (Friday)]