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Divorce/Separation Post Reply     Print Topic    
User Topic: Helping the WS...what would you do?
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 8:31 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ex WS was supposed to come over to see the kids tonight. Being chronically late, I thought nothing of his tardiness. Sent a text that we were in the garage. Found out the cellular network was down when the text failed to send.
Went in the house to find he had left a message on the land line. He threw his back out somehow and could not come over. He sounded like he was in a lot of pain.
Normally I would send a text because NC and all that jazz.
I had the kids call and talk to him. He told them he was sorry he couldn't come over.
Now I still felt a little guilty. Then I thought about how it was his choice to leave and the reality is that his OW lives on another continent. His parents have been banished by him to his cottage a 2 hour drive away.
Why do I feel a tiny niggle of obligation? Really I would have liked to tell him that his fiancée better book a flight quickly to come take care of him.
Why should I care?
Because I'm human I guess and I do have the empathy that he lacks.
He called later to ask me to bring over the crutches that I have in my garage. These are crutches he got when he injured his knee and never returned to the hospital.
I told him they wouldn't help his back and he was better off using a chair back as a walker.
Also, I would have to bring the kids with me to drop off the crutches. I just can't leave the house willy nilly like he can.
Honestly I am waffling between guilt feelings and anger.
Why should I feel sorry?
I know how much it hurts to have this happen. It happened to me and I had to crawl to get to the bathroom. He was at work at he time I believe.
Really. What would you do?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Nature_Girl
♀ Member
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 8:43 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do a blankety-blank thing. You're not his wife, you're not his girlfriend, you're not his BFF. He can man up & figure out how to get his own help.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - I DIVORCED HIM, I'M FREE!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBOJpIwF47Y

Posts: 9713 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
courageous
♀ Member
Member # 34477
Default  Posted: 8:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He fired you from that job. While it is tempting to hep him.... He will not be grateful or value you like you wish.

I can understand your desire to help because we can't turn off our compassion personality like they can. It really is better if you don't help because in my case he completely forgot how kind is as him and went back to vilifying me which hurt me even more.


Me: BW (35)
Him: ExWH (31) EA/PA with MOW coworker
Married 9 years, 2 small kids
dday 3/12/2011 divorced fall 2012

My ipad does a lot of crazy typos.


Posts: 651 | Registered: Jan 2012
gypsybird87
♀ Member
Member # 39193
Default  Posted: 9:05 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hmm. This is tough. I totally agree with the prior posts stating this is not your job, not your issue etc. But I think it changes slightly because there are kids involved.

If it was me, I think I would drive over with the crutches and the kids. Wait in the car while the kids take them inside and visit with him for a few minutes. He gets what may (or may not) help his injury, but more importantly the kids get to see their dad and you've set a good example of rising above and being kind.

I don't really see a downside... unless he lives far from you and it would be a real hassle, in which case don't bother. AND as long as you protect yourself by expecting absolutely nothing in return. No thanks, no appreciation, nada. Think of it like dropping some coins in a homeless man's cup. Do the action that feels right to you and then move on from it, expecting nothing in return.

But, hey .... this is just one girl's thoughts. There are so many on here wiser than me.

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 9:06 PM, October 9th (Wednesday)]


Me: Enjoying life
Him: Someone else's problem

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage. ~ Anais Nin


Posts: 866 | Registered: May 2013 | From: Oregon
clralb
♀ Member
Member # 17185
Default  Posted: 9:16 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I wouldn't do anything to help the ex unless it benefitted me or the kids.

Let him crawl to get around. It's not so bad. I had foot surgery and couldn's seem to get the hang of crutches, so I crawled on my butt to get around.

He can suck it up.


"To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear."
Buddha

Posts: 681 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: southeast
Lola2kids
♀ Member
Member # 32789
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well, I didn't bring over the crutches partially because it was 8:50 pm and the kids go to bed at 9. Also, I would have to bring them over and he lives on the 19th floor of a condo and of course I don't have keys for his place. It would have been hard to send the kids up because they have to call his unit.
I did send a text asking how he was. I gave some suggestions to ice it and that it sounded like an SI joint injury (ironic? SI?).
I suggested a chiropractor and ice and Advil. It's as much as I would have done for a coworker that mentioned a sore back at work.
It was a little surprising how little I felt at him being hurt. I honestly thought at first, "am I supposed to feel sorry for him?"
It was a little strange.
Is this indifference?


BS: (Me) 47
Kids: twins DD(10)
D-Day April 18, 2011
Him:out Sept. 11, 2011
He moved to Europe June 27, 2014.
"They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder but I am growing more and more fond of his absence"

Posts: 1405 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: Ontario, Canada
Rainbows
♀ Member
Member # 39362
Default  Posted: 12:30 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sounds like indifference to me. It also seems like you're further along in your healing than maybe you realize. Events like this can be a good litmus test to see where your feelings are right now.

He fired you from that job. While it is tempting to help him.... He will not be grateful or value you like you wish.

I totally agree with this, he's a big boy and will figure it out.


There is always a rainbow after every storm.

Posts: 404 | Registered: May 2013 | From: California
sparkysable
♀ Member
Member # 3703
Default  Posted: 12:44 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Personally? He hung himself when he tore your life apart, I'd let him swing in the wind, but I'm a bitch like that.


D-day OW#1 2/2004; R for 6 years; D-day OW#2 5/2010

Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.


Posts: 3364 | Registered: Mar 2004 | From: NY
Topic Posts: 8

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