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User Topic: Acceptance?
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Question  Posted: 9:35 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I understand that in order to let the anger go and truly move forward you have to gain acceptance.

Where does it say "how" to do this? I want so much to let go of the anger, it's tearing me apart inside.

Thanks!


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
SerJR
♂ Member
Member # 14993
Default  Posted: 9:44 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Acceptance does not mean approval.
Acceptance means accepting the fact that certain things happened and that the past cannot be changed. It means that you are ready and actively working on moving forward to the next phase of your life.

Sometimes, just knowing what it is can help.
It is a process and it takes both time and energy to get there. It's not something that happens suddenly. But with every choice and action you make to take care of yourself you are moving there - one step at a time.


Me: BH - Happily remarried.
Hope is never lost. It exists within you - it is real. It is not a force in and of itself - it is something that you create with every thought, action, and choice you make. It is a gift that you create for yourself.

Posts: 17097 | Registered: Jun 2007 | From: Further North than South
brokenniceguy
♂ New Member
Member # 39195
Default  Posted: 10:19 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I second SerJR and want to add acceptance does not mean forgiveness either. It took my MC telling me that.

I struggled with acceptance for almost a year. Here is how I learned acceptance - Some friends encouraged me to sign up for a long bike race a few months ago (5-6 hours on a bike...). About 4 hours in, I was in agony and I the middle of the woods with 3 options: continue forward with the pain, stop and sit down and wait to die or someone to carry me out, or reverse the route which had even more pain involved. At that point the concept of acceptance set in: I really had one choice - forward even though it was going to hurt. But eventually the hurt will go away and this will be a memory, regardless of all the events that led to that moment in the woods. For the remaining part of the ride I almost felt good experiencing acceptance.

Now when I think of accepting the affair, I think of that lesson on the bike. However, it could be any other painful reality we can't avoid, such as a bad day at work, broken bones, failing a test, or childbirth for the ladies. Not that these should minimize the affair, but they hopefully help understand how we do acceptance all the time and may not even know it.

At least that was my experience...Good luck.


Posts: 25 | Registered: May 2013
Ostrich80
Member
Member # 34827
Default  Posted: 11:23 PM, October 9th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My perception of acceptance is letting go of what you thought things were going to be like. Realizing it doesn't mean you can't find happiness again, it just may be a different future. This was the hardest thing for me...giving up what I thought my life was going to be and realizing the man I knew has been replaced and I most likely won't be seeing him again.


BS..me
WS..him
Been with him over half my life
4kid
DD1 10-01-09 DD2 02-12-12 discovered it never ended
OW..nothing special. Just your average skank
Status..#$%@????

Posts: 5042 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: midwest
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Content  Posted: 1:29 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That is GREAT advice, thank you all. I love the analogy of the bike ride, it makes sense. So the first thing we need to do on the 180 is "acceptance" that's basically to "let go" of the anger. We accept it took place, but what if we do accept it and you still get angry from triggers? Does that mean you haven't mastered acceptance?

I just want my pain to end, I want to be able to think with a clear mind and I can't do that sitting here thinking about this and trying to piece his timeline together. Now that I've gotten most of the truth, I feel at peace and now concentrate on getting healthy and taking care of myself. I'm really hoping no big bombs are going to drop, do you people think I am pathetic b/c I've had d=day three times now? Am I too gullible? Is it wrong to want to believe your husband even though you he could still be lying? That's where the anger comes in, I get yet another lie and I'm mad.

Thanks for your help, nobody said this was going to be easy.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
silverhopes
♀ Member
Member # 32753
Default  Posted: 2:34 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe acceptance is taking one bite at a time. Acceptance of one detail at a time, one reality at a time. It might be overwhelming to try to accept it all at once. Like SerJR said, acceptance doesn't mean approval. In fact, accepting your own feelings about it might be part of the process. "This happened, and I am not OK with it. I accept that it makes me really angry that he cheated on me, and it's OK to be angry about it."

Acceptance might mean processing it for a long time. It doesn't happen all at once. Sometimes we have to think of things many times over for it to sink in and for ourselves to handle it. One bite at a time, it takes time.


Find peace. Or sleep on it.
Sometimes my monkeys, sometimes my circus.
Infidelities are like icebergs - they may take many different shapes and sizes, but they all damage your ship.

Posts: 3905 | Registered: Jul 2011 | From: California
cantgetup
♀ Member
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 6:05 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I swore I didn't have it in me to accept. I'm not built that way. How on earth was I going to live with what I was being forced to accept? The horribleness of it all. I kept telling myself there was no way this was ever going to be ok, while at the same time trudging forward to see what would happen. I did gain acceptance. I'm shocked at my self. But glad I pushed forward.

Posts: 315 | Registered: Jul 2012
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm just not worrying about it and taking it day by day. Acceptance and forgiveness - I'll worry about it later. I need a break from all this.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 11:05 AM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So once you get through acceptance, then I assume the next step is forgiveness? Again that is about us not the WS.

I do think I get the "acceptance" it's a matter of choice "where" you allow your thoughts to go. When they come in, you can go someplace else and you won't get all worked up. So, I'm going to do that now that I've finally got the entire truth.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
sisoon
♂ Member
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 12:31 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Screw acceptance! In my language, the only way to release the anger is to feel it and let it go.

That doesn't mean beating anyone up, least of all yourself. (Of course, it could mean hitting a punching bag....) It's knowing that you're angry and know what you're angry about.

Two things have worked well for me:

1) Telling my W 'I'm angry that you did ____.'

2) At our MC's direction, writing by hand for 3-5 minutes at a time 'I'm angry that _____' or 'I'm angry about_____', filling in the blanks as I see fit without censorship.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10097 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 1:27 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I agree to an extent with sisoon why do I have to forgive? Or accept? I am living , I will move on but she does not deserve acceptance or forgiveness and I need to stay in anger for my protection. I am afraid to leave anger then I will be weak again I am not talking about any kind of violence. Just anger , which I release at the gym or yoga or boxing or my motorcycle !!! Whatever. But I like being in anger I channel it to other parts like work also. If I accept than I accept ! And I will never accept what she did to me ever ! I feel this is an individual choice and everyone handles it different. I treat people how I am treated. So my anger will not show with people who respect me so I am not worried about carrying this to my next relationship. That's how I feel but I am sure tons will disagree.


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
EZ24get
♀ Member
Member # 29752
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If I accept than I accept ! And I will never accept what she did to me ever !

^^^ That's how I feel too. WH and I actually agreed, that cheating was never an acceptable option. I still do not think it is, and never will.

The way I think about it,... I have to acknowledge that it has happened but, it remains absolutely unacceptable.


Told my request was one so unlike being you. Then, was punished for asking, by watching you become all that I needed, for someone new.
...so,..he traded my heart,for a hard-on.

BW~ me 38
CH~ he 38
20 years on 12/12/12, 2 kiddos 14&17
D-day 1


Posts: 67 | Registered: Oct 2010 | From: here
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 3:15 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've done the anger thing, and I'm SURE I will "explode" at any given moment. I've now almost beat up 3 women, and I'm not violent

I know it sounds like IF we "accept" what they did it some how makes it okay, that's NOT what it is. It is NOT forgiveness, it is NOT FORGETTING, it's for you NOT her. That's the same thing about forgiveness, it's NOT for her IT'S FOR YOU.

I've lived MANY years as a victim of incest, victim of rape, victim of alcoholic parents (mom died when I was 16 from it); victim of emotional and physical abuse; I really could go on here. It was when MY son stole my pain medication and became a drug addict and I sought help at Alanon did I really LEARN how damaging being the victim is to a person. It was slowly killing me. I actually made amends to the people that wronged me, when I "let go" of that anger, I guess calling it acceptance, that is when I could breathe. It didn't change those other people's lives one bit, it CHANGED MINE. There is a quote I want to finish with that I'd like you to think about....

Resentments
They are like taking poison while waiting for that person to die...... think about it..,


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
rachelc
♀ Member
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 3:21 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but I don't think resentment and acceptance are the same thing.
I don't accept what he did. I agree with above poster that accepting means saying it's ok. I accept that it happened, and currently deciding if I can live with it, but that doesn't mean resentment.
I agree that resentment can ruin your life and that being bitter is not worth it. But I don't think that means acceptance.
If I divorce my husband it will be that I cannot accept what he did. I won't be resentful or bitter. I will forgive him. But accepting it means to me that you're saying it's ok for someone to abuse you. It's not.


his Dday: 2/10
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

Me: I didn't sign up for this.
Him: you're already in this. All you can do is resign...


Posts: 4939 | Registered: Dec 2010
Thefly559
♂ Member
Member # 40268
Default  Posted: 3:32 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I believe pain and anger if used correctly are tools . They can develop into great things. In life laws are made after people die, inventions are created from anger or someone hurt! Great music! There is a lot of good that can come from the right type of anger. Yes I now accept what she did not because I want to but because I have to , the same way I accept a loved ones death , or a grave tragedy. But I do not like it or forgive her ever. Like I said I use the anger for protection and fuel . That is me and how I choose to deal with it. I am sorry for your tragedies and life experiences and for all in this boat but we all cope in our own way. I don't think anyone is right or wrong. She took a part of me that I will never get back and destroyed our or my dreams and family , I choose never to forgive her. Myself I will forgive eventually for letting her. But never her!


"what does not kill you , makes you stronger"

Posts: 648 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: nyc
ladies_first
♀ Member
Member # 24643
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here's another post on acceptance:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=508392


"We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~J. Campbell
"In the final analysis, it is your own attitude that will make or break you, not what has happened to you." ~D. Galloway

Posts: 2143 | Registered: Jun 2009
crazyblindsided
♀ Member
Member # 35215
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Yes I agree with the poster who said that acceptance is more of an understanding of what happened. That we recognize the A happened and will always be a part of the M history.

I have just come to acceptance recently and I can tell my anger is mostly gone now (I am 20 months from Dday). I still get sad that it happened and I think there will always be a tender spot.

I'm more sad at who my WH became or proved himself to be in his A and post A fog.

Best way I got to acceptance, I focused solely on myself and stopped looking to my WH to heal me. I healed myself and accepted his A the best way I could, on my terms.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 6:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday)]


BS/FWS (me):40 Madhatter
WS/BS:42 Serial Cheater
Together 18 years, Married 13
DD(10) DS(7)
DDay(s) 5/08, 5/09, 3/30/12
Final Dday 7/11/14 Affair never ended

Posts: 2266 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: California
foundoutlater
♂ Member
Member # 32900
Default  Posted: 7:33 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

For me I had to accept that it actually happened. I was so far from reality that it would hit over and over again that this is real. When that stopped is when I accepted that it actually happened, that it is part of my history. To move forward I had to accept that it is OK to work through this with the W and build the relationship with her that I want. I donít see how I could move through this (not stay stuck) without accepting that it happened.

I can relate to the anger. For me it is a slow process. I have accepted that I will always be angry about it. But I realized there are other things that happened in my past that I will always be angry about. Accepting that has helped me.


Your beliefs donít make you a better person, your behavior does.

Posts: 1131 | Registered: Jul 2011
Itstoohard
♀ Member
Member # 37629
Default  Posted: 7:39 PM, October 10th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

One of my goals since dd has to to learn to accept that my past is not what I thought. Acceptance to me is as been said " to accept someone's death". It's happened and I can't change that. My first and number one goal has been to forgive myself for putting up with all his abuse- mostly verbal- for so many years. I know now it's was his discuss with his self for the A, so he took it out on me cuz he blamed me for all his brokenness. I lived in a war zone where I was the enemy. Yep, I have to forgive me first.


BS 64
fWH 64
PA 22 yrs ago
Started as EA for 2 yrs then ONS CORRECTION Started as an EA for 8 years
Trustismyissue

Posts: 180 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: US
cluless
♀ Member
Member # 40538
Default  Posted: 11:34 AM, October 11th (Friday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It's interesting when you said
Acceptance to me is as been said " to accept someone's death". It's happened and I can't change that.

That's how all of this feels to me, like I'm experiencing a death. You CAN'T change what happened no matter how much you wish you could. I feel even worse because I KNEW something was going on an at the time I didn't care. I remember thinking "good he can have an affair" then I'll have an excuse to divorce him.

He also treated me like the enemy for most of our M. His A lasted 18 months with his first love. I guess during the course of this A he realized he didn't love her and she was a mistake. But that pain of him pursuing her in the first place is what gets me so sad. I was dying, I had just been diagnosed AGAIN to have my 4th surgery, my body was tired, I was at my lowest in recorded history and that is when he chose to after another woman.


WH 57
BS 55 -- Me!
LTA EA/PA 1-1/2 years.
D-Day 8-12, 2nd D-Day 9-13, 3rd D-Day 10-13 (stopped counting tt still coming in)
Married 17 yrs, together 20.
MC & IC has been a JOKE.

Status: In careful R. Sometimes spinning our wheels and starti


Posts: 166 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Oceanside
Topic Posts: 20

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