I changed it a bit to match our situation, but it's basically the same content.
Just to give some background - My boyfriend had an EA, sexting and making plans with another woman to have sex with her, flirting with other woman through texts and Facebook, sending naked pics, and was on adultfriendfinder and sites like that messaging women. There were 6 weeks between the 1st DDay and the 4th. And lies the whole time. Anyways, other than saying he just won't do it again he hasn't in the 2 months since the last DDay done much to show remorse and willingness to change. He finally very reluctantly agreed to coupes counseling this week though. So that's some progress.
I want to send him the letter because it literally says what I've been trying to tell him and what I want him to understand. I think it's also good because it shows hope of a reconciliation, but only if you put in the work. I've been trying to tell him a lot of the things the letter says, but I don't think he hears me when I say it, especially if we are in an emotional conversation. I think it would be good for him to read.
What are other peoples thoughts on this? Is it a good idea? Or should I hold off since he finally agreed to counseling? I'd really appreciate anyone's input. I'm very new at all of this and lost and unsure of what the right actions are sometimes. Thanks.
I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
Even after discovery and confrontation, the self-lies of the WS protect them from the enormity of what they did. To reach a point of true remorse those blinders have to come off!!!
For my fWS, she needed to come here and read letters like that. Read the pain of others. Read NJF. Read After the Affair. Read How to Help My Spouse Heal. Read all of it to have that "Holy Shit Look What I Have Done" moment.
"Knowing is half the battle"
Expecting progress not perfection
..that feeling you get in your stomach, when you heart's broken. It's like all the butterflies just died.
Until he's really committed to R, putting yourself on the line any more than you already are is, IMO, emotionally dangerous.
In your shoes, I'd contemplate the 180, and save the discussions for how you feel until he's shown he's worthy of being permitted an audience to your thoughts and feelings. He does not deserve access when you are vulnerable and he is not yet remorseful---and giving it to him may prove harmful to you.
(This comes from a woman whose husband never really "got it." And who did, in fact, try---on countless occasions--to GET him to "get it." It can't be done. He will get it, or he won't--and there's very little you can do other than take care of yourself. And that, of course, is of utmost importance, because he cannot be counted on to do that right now. As hard as it is, sit back and watch his actions. They will tell you all you need to know about his readiness and willingness to do the hard work necessary to R.)
I think I am going to give it to him. I know it won't make him change and it won't make him "get it". But I do want to let him know how I feel. And that letter explains a lot of things that I have tried to tell him, but he has not heard since it was during an emotional conversation. Giving it to him is mostly for me I guess. I think I will feel better after I give it to him (or read it to him - that's a good idea).
My boyfriend knows I am on a support forum, but does not know anything about it and does not know it is SI. He wouldn't go looking trying to figure out which one I am on either. That would be way too much work for him.
Solus - I totally get what you are saying and I appreciate your response. He "seems" to be committed to R now. He bought some books and is going to couples counseling with me next week. But I might wait to give it to him until I really feel like he is committed to R. I know I can't make him get it. He won't get it unless he wants to. And I will definitely focus on taking care of myself! :)
So thank you for all of your advice! I really appreciated it! :)